agonyaunt | Entries tagged with household labor

You be the judge: my housemate always loses our keys. Should he pay for a smart lock?

The prosecution: Mark Rami has offered to go halves on an electronic key fob – but he should pay for it all.
Rami is a good mate. We met at uni and he moved in to my place eight months ago when I had to remortgage my house and found the cost had gone up exponentially. I have a three-bed and am recently single, while Rami needed to find a new place after his old landlord sold up, so it made sense for both of us.

We’re both 32 and like living together as we’ve got similar interests: kickboxing, going to the gym, cooking. We’re both pretty tidy, although I’m definitely less laid-back. Rami misplaces things – in particular, our house keys. I can’t tell you the number of times he has lost them. It’s ridiculous.

He’s lost them on nights out, or just coming back from work. One time he left a set on the train. The first couple of times I gave him spares and didn’t ask him to pay for a new set because I had loads, but after that I would say: “Mate, this is on you.” He told me it’s because his old house had a smart lock, where you key in a code. And when he lived with his parents, they had a key box. He says he’s just not used to carrying around keys.

As a compromise, I installed a key box outside the house, concealed in a little pouch by the front window. You put a code in to unlock the box and get the keys out. At first, I didn’t like the idea of having the keys right next to the front door, and wondered if people would be able to smash the box open, but I got used to it.

But then Rami wouldn’t put the keys back into the box. He’d take them straight into the house. A couple of times when I came home, I couldn’t get in. I’d have to call him to open the door. One time he went out to meet a friend, and took the keys with him, so he locked me out completely.

Rami needs to respect the key box. Now I’ve taken to carrying my own set of keys, which defeats the purpose. He has suggested getting an electronic key fob for our door. I’m not a huge fan of this idea – I don’t like how it looks and it’s expensive. Rami said he would pay half, but seeing as he’s the one who keeps losing keys, I don’t think I should have to pay for it at all.

( The defence: Rami )

( The jury of Guardian readers )

minoanmiss

I think I’m … going to keep it?

( Read more... )

Current Mood: curious

minoanmiss

Sometimes even Prudence needs a little help. This week’s tricky situation is below. Submit your comments about how to approach the situation here to Jenée, and then look back for the final answer here on Friday. ( Read more... )

Current Mood: curious

swingandswirl

This poor woman's partner is damned lucky to still be whole, is all I'm saying.

Dear Carolyn: Yesterday, I spilled a bunch of breast milk on the floor because I was pumping while simultaneously trying to clean up our living room during my lunch break from work. My husband got irritated at me about the spill, which came -close- to hitting his laptop (but didn’t!), and I was apologetic.

On reflection, though, I am furious about that interaction. I have the kind of breast pump that can be worn on the go, and the implication is that I can work while wearing it. But it’s not enough that I’m providing food for our baby while working a full-time job, I have to triple-multitask by trying to do housework during work hours because he never does.

And instead of noticing that I’m spinning so many plates that one came -close- to dropping, and offering to help, he snapped at me for the near miss.

Am I just spiraling, or do I have a point? And, is there any way to get this point across without just sounding like a harpy?

— Sigh!

( Sadly, murder was not on the list of suggestions. )

Current Mood: flabbergasted

minoanmiss

( Read more... )

conuly

Dear Carolyn: Several months ago, my wife informed me she wanted to hire a house cleaner, saying she was tired of the mess, tired of feeling overworked and tired of fighting with me about chore division. A week later, a maid arrived at our house. I find it incredibly stressful. I worry that the maids aren’t careful with our things, that they might peek at our private documents, and that all in all this is a ridiculous expense ($300 a month!) that could better go elsewhere, though my wife said this is what she wanted to spend her entire annual raise on. When the maids leave, I’m fried, but I admit that my wife does seem much happier. I still wish she could just relax and lower her standards a little, but … am I the one who has to get over this?

— Fried

( Read more... )

conuly

Dear Annie: My son has been dating a girl for a little over three years. My husband and I really like her. Our son loves her. Here's the problem: I have asked her before to help in the kitchen with meal preparation and cleanup, and she refuses.

They come once a week for meals, and we eat in front of the TV while watching shows. Everyone brings their dishes to the kitchen, but I'm left with the cleanup. Once, when I asked her for help, she said that she is company and wouldn't expect me to help at her house. They were here for Thanksgiving, and my mom asked her to join us at the table and visit, but she declined, saying she was OK where she was. My mom was hurt and upset.

I'm planning a big Christmas dinner and want the girls to help with cleanup and to sit and visit after the meal. How can I get her to get involved in the kitchen work, both before and after, and to put her phone away and sit and visit with us? -- Disappointed

( Read more... )

cereta

( Unequal distribution of labor )

lilysea

DEAR HARRIETTE: I am about to get married, and my fiancé and I have come to an impasse over something that I don’t think is such a big deal. I grew up in a household where everybody had chores, but we also had a housekeeper who came once a week to do heavy cleaning. It was so helpful having Mrs. Lancaster with us. She became part of the family. I want the same thing for my new home. Of course, both of us should do chores, but I believe having extra help will ensure we keep everything organized and clean. My husband thinks this is excessive and a waste of money. He grew up in a household where no extra help was ever there. They couldn’t afford it. We can. Plus, I work 80 hours a week usually. I need the help. How can I get my fiancé to see that? -- Clean Up, Rochester, New York

DEAR CLEAN UP: This is one of many value-driven conversations you must have with your fiancé to determine whether the two of you can compromise when needed to build your life together. While it may sound clichéd, it is the little things in a marriage that help to make your bond stronger or erode it entirely.

Since your husband-to-be does not see the need for a housekeeper, a compromise might be to have someone come in once a month in the beginning. Suggest this as an acknowledgment that you know he doesn’t see eye to eye with you on this point but that you know you need help in order to keep your home in the manner you believe appropriate.

lilysea

( Micromanaging, possible controlling behaviour, possible gaslighting )

xenacryst

Dear Carolyn: My husband tries to be helpful around the house. But he seems to have rather large blind spots. I’ve learned he truly doesn’t see the packages piled up on the porch when he walks inside. He cleans up the kitchen, but misses the pots on the stove and the countertops with spills and crumbs. He doesn’t remember when trash day is so he never gets the can to the curb.

I have tried to point out some of these in a gentle way, but he gets upset that I don’t appreciate how much he does around the house.

But when the job is half-done, I feel resentful that I have to always remember — and finish — the household jobs. He will do anything I ask, but I’m tired of asking. I want him to recognize and carry some of the load with me.

Half-Done Household

Half-Done Household: He is carrying some of the load. He might even argue he’s carrying more than his half — because you have to ask, half of what whole?

If he were expecting to live in a sparkly clean environment on your labors alone, that would be one thing. But from what you describe, he’d be content to live amid his crumbs and spills. That’s a different problem for you, for both of you, altogether.

So before you envision a fair division of labor, you need to reconcile your way to a fair vision of the outcome. Your standard of “clean enough,” his, or somewhere in between?

Another discussion point: If you insist — for the sake of argument — on surgical cleanliness, does he still need to do half of whatever that requires? Or is the one with higher standards responsible for the aboves-and-beyonds?

With housekeeping, the tendency is to think vertically: You do dishes, I do laundry; I vacuum, you take out the trash; each job done to completion.

Maybe the answer here is to agree to think horizontally instead: You tend to dishes, laundry, vacuum and trash to your standards, and I finish them to mine. He cuts, you style.

You can also close any resentment-breeding gaps with professional help. And, a smartphone: His can ping him weekly on trash night. Marriages have been rescued by less.

cereta

I thought I might break the rhythm with something I suspect we will all more or less agree on ;).

( Division of labor is not QUITE equal. )

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Agony Aunt

Entries tagged with household labor

Actually, I'm going 'Lose the housemate'

Dear Prudence: My New Cat Is Stolen Property!

Dear Prudence: Avocado Disposal Dispute

Carolyn Hax: Hello, Whole Man Disposal Service?

Dear Prudence: My Husband Throws Away My Things Without Asking, Because Minimalism

(no subject)

(no subject)

Sense and Sensitivity: Mouse in the house and a rat in the marriage

Dear Harriette: Couple Reaches Impasse Regarding Housekeeper

Dear Prudence: Do I have dementia?

Carolyn Hax: not really helpful

Dear Carolyn: slightly uneven division of labor

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