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Two Ethics Quests from Ask A Manager
May. 27th, 2025 10:42 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
minoanmissI am having trouble including the link, due to not being able to see properly. sorry about that.
1. Manager husband is cheating with a much younger employee ( Read more... )
2. My employee has terrible attendance issues … in this economy? ( Read more... )
1. Manager husband is cheating with a much younger employee ( Read more... )
2. My employee has terrible attendance issues … in this economy? ( Read more... )
ceretaLink.
Dear Pay Dirt,
My boyfriend, who is 60 years old, and I (48) have been together for 15 years. I make low six figures, and he makes about $20,000 to $30,000 less than that. We live in his house with about 10 years left on the mortgage. We’ve talked about getting married, and he is anxious to move into a home that is more friendly to aging in place. We’ve been saving money to buy a house together, plus I have a few thousand from selling a small townhouse a few years ago.
My concern is that if we buy a house together, he’s made it clear that both of our names will be on the mortgage but it will be only his name on the house title. His philosophy is that if we’re married and he dies, I will inherit the house anyway. My concern is that if we split up (let’s be realistic here), I will be left on a mortgage that I’ve helped pay down with nothing to show for it. (This is after I’ve basically paid his $800 mortgage as “rent” since we moved in together 10 years ago. I also pay our cell phone bill and he pays all other utilities.) He says we can write up documents showing what each of us brought to the house purchase and what each of us contributes monthly, but my gut says I’m putting myself in a precarious financial situation. Am I right to be concerned, or can we put something on paper so I can protect myself whether or not we’re married?
—Paying With Nothing to Show for It
Dear Paying With Nothing to Show for It,
I’m a big “trust your gut” girl. You already feel as though you’re paying more toward your joint expenses than you should, and if I read between the lines, you seem to feel that by paying $800 in rent, you’re a mortgage meal ticket. That’s no way to feel about someone you supposedly want to marry.
I don’t understand his reasoning. If you each put down an equal amount for a down payment and contribute the same amount on the mortgage, you should share ownership of the property equally. You should own the property as joint tenants with rights of survivorship. If he puts down substantially more, and is willing to shoulder a proportionate share of the expenses, then you can own the property as tenants in common, reflecting the percentage of the total each of you has contributed. If he can’t understand and agree to this sharing of an asset, I wonder what else he isn’t getting about you and your relationship.
As for papering over the issue, sure. You can sign a partnership agreement covering the purchase of the property—and all of your other joint assets. You can dictate how much each of you should put in to cover your expenses and then divide who pays for what any number of ways: by percentage of income (you’d pay more since you earn more) or equally. But why not back that up with ownership?
Dear Pay Dirt,
My boyfriend, who is 60 years old, and I (48) have been together for 15 years. I make low six figures, and he makes about $20,000 to $30,000 less than that. We live in his house with about 10 years left on the mortgage. We’ve talked about getting married, and he is anxious to move into a home that is more friendly to aging in place. We’ve been saving money to buy a house together, plus I have a few thousand from selling a small townhouse a few years ago.
My concern is that if we buy a house together, he’s made it clear that both of our names will be on the mortgage but it will be only his name on the house title. His philosophy is that if we’re married and he dies, I will inherit the house anyway. My concern is that if we split up (let’s be realistic here), I will be left on a mortgage that I’ve helped pay down with nothing to show for it. (This is after I’ve basically paid his $800 mortgage as “rent” since we moved in together 10 years ago. I also pay our cell phone bill and he pays all other utilities.) He says we can write up documents showing what each of us brought to the house purchase and what each of us contributes monthly, but my gut says I’m putting myself in a precarious financial situation. Am I right to be concerned, or can we put something on paper so I can protect myself whether or not we’re married?
—Paying With Nothing to Show for It
Dear Paying With Nothing to Show for It,
I’m a big “trust your gut” girl. You already feel as though you’re paying more toward your joint expenses than you should, and if I read between the lines, you seem to feel that by paying $800 in rent, you’re a mortgage meal ticket. That’s no way to feel about someone you supposedly want to marry.
I don’t understand his reasoning. If you each put down an equal amount for a down payment and contribute the same amount on the mortgage, you should share ownership of the property equally. You should own the property as joint tenants with rights of survivorship. If he puts down substantially more, and is willing to shoulder a proportionate share of the expenses, then you can own the property as tenants in common, reflecting the percentage of the total each of you has contributed. If he can’t understand and agree to this sharing of an asset, I wonder what else he isn’t getting about you and your relationship.
As for papering over the issue, sure. You can sign a partnership agreement covering the purchase of the property—and all of your other joint assets. You can dictate how much each of you should put in to cover your expenses and then divide who pays for what any number of ways: by percentage of income (you’d pay more since you earn more) or equally. But why not back that up with ownership?
ceretaOlder column.
Q. Fragrance sensitivity: I began dating “Kara” about a year ago. When we first met, she told me she suffered from migraines, often induced by strong smells. I switched my deodorant and stopped burning scented candles in my home (a big change for me—scented candles had previously helped me control my anxiety). I’ve changed other things too; we’ve even left parties early because hosts had plug-in air fresheners. This has been challenging for me, but I do love her and I want her to be well.
A month ago, Kara tested positive for COVID after losing her sense of smell and taste. She had some gastrointestinal symptoms, and, without thinking, I sprayed scented air freshener to cover up bathroom smells. Kara couldn’t smell the air freshener, and she didn’t have a migraine. I feel disconcerted that I’ve been “cleansing” my life of all scented fragrances for a year, only to realize this is perhaps all in her head. I don’t want to bring this up because I don’t want to upset her during a difficult time. But I also don’t want to raise children with someone who is either a hypochondriac, seeking attention, or unable to exist with the normal fragrances that are part of daily life. Is it worth bringing up with her? Should I seek some sort of medical opinion? Does it matter whether it’s all in her head or a legitimate physical response? Please help.
A: I confess I had rather the opposite response you did: Since Kara can no longer smell anything, at least for now, it stands to reason that scents would stop being a significant migraine trigger too. And at the risk of sounding glib, where else would migraines and fragrance sensitivity be a problem, if not “in the head”? I’m not at all inclined to take this sudden change in her migraine triggers as evidence that she’d previously been faking them.
But you say you don’t want to raise children with someone who can’t “exist with the normal fragrances that are part of daily life,” so even if we set aside the “Kara is a hypochondriac” hypothesis, you’ve apparently realized something pretty significant about your future together. Part of me wants to argue that things like changing deodorant brands and occasionally leaving parties early because your hosts used artificial air fresheners aren’t so challenging that they’re worth ending an otherwise good relationship over, although I can understand the difficulties of finding certain smells relaxing or anxiety-relieving when your partner can’t abide them. But if you consider this a deal breaker, I don’t want to try to convince you to stay with her, mostly for her sake—I think she deserves a partner who finds accommodating her fragrance sensitivity manageable, and who doesn’t assume a temporary respite in her triggers means she’s been faking migraines. I think you should do your best to put your suspicions aside and enjoy your relationship with Kara, but if you can’t, do her a favor and let her find someone else.
Q. Fragrance sensitivity: I began dating “Kara” about a year ago. When we first met, she told me she suffered from migraines, often induced by strong smells. I switched my deodorant and stopped burning scented candles in my home (a big change for me—scented candles had previously helped me control my anxiety). I’ve changed other things too; we’ve even left parties early because hosts had plug-in air fresheners. This has been challenging for me, but I do love her and I want her to be well.
A month ago, Kara tested positive for COVID after losing her sense of smell and taste. She had some gastrointestinal symptoms, and, without thinking, I sprayed scented air freshener to cover up bathroom smells. Kara couldn’t smell the air freshener, and she didn’t have a migraine. I feel disconcerted that I’ve been “cleansing” my life of all scented fragrances for a year, only to realize this is perhaps all in her head. I don’t want to bring this up because I don’t want to upset her during a difficult time. But I also don’t want to raise children with someone who is either a hypochondriac, seeking attention, or unable to exist with the normal fragrances that are part of daily life. Is it worth bringing up with her? Should I seek some sort of medical opinion? Does it matter whether it’s all in her head or a legitimate physical response? Please help.
A: I confess I had rather the opposite response you did: Since Kara can no longer smell anything, at least for now, it stands to reason that scents would stop being a significant migraine trigger too. And at the risk of sounding glib, where else would migraines and fragrance sensitivity be a problem, if not “in the head”? I’m not at all inclined to take this sudden change in her migraine triggers as evidence that she’d previously been faking them.
But you say you don’t want to raise children with someone who can’t “exist with the normal fragrances that are part of daily life,” so even if we set aside the “Kara is a hypochondriac” hypothesis, you’ve apparently realized something pretty significant about your future together. Part of me wants to argue that things like changing deodorant brands and occasionally leaving parties early because your hosts used artificial air fresheners aren’t so challenging that they’re worth ending an otherwise good relationship over, although I can understand the difficulties of finding certain smells relaxing or anxiety-relieving when your partner can’t abide them. But if you consider this a deal breaker, I don’t want to try to convince you to stay with her, mostly for her sake—I think she deserves a partner who finds accommodating her fragrance sensitivity manageable, and who doesn’t assume a temporary respite in her triggers means she’s been faking migraines. I think you should do your best to put your suspicions aside and enjoy your relationship with Kara, but if you can’t, do her a favor and let her find someone else.
minoanmiss...I Don’t Understand How She Could Accept This. I can’t seem to accept this new “grandson.” ( Read more... )
minoanmissThis one is brutal. I'm putting even the title under the cut. Involves reproduction, abortion, and cruelty. ( Read more... )
Amy gets it right
Sep. 3rd, 2024 06:18 pmconulyDear Annie: I am a 29-year-old woman, and I've been having an ongoing debate with my boyfriend of 10 years.
I wear makeup because I am insecure about my skin and my face in general. I have tried any and all products recommended to me to help clear up my skin.
I have suffered from eating disorders in the past and have constant fixation and amplification of every flaw, so I'm aware of the fact that it might be body dysmorphia that is in part driving my anxiety about my face. I am going into therapy and seeing a dermatologist next month, and I will start my process there.
But in the meantime, when I look in the mirror at my bare face, I see a monster. Makeup takes away some of that anxiety -- gives me confidence in myself, allowing me to enjoy life a little more.
While I know that it is not healthy to be so dependent on cosmetics, they are helping me get through these feelings for now.
The problem is that my boyfriend hates that I wear makeup. He constantly insists that I stop wearing it, to the point that we regularly get in heated arguments about this. He even jokingly says he will break up with me if I continue to wear it. I tell him that not wearing makeup just doesn't work for me. I tried it once for a year. It didn't clear up my skin, and it was horrible emotionally.
I really don't know what to say to him at this point other than that I am in the process of hopefully solving this problem, but even if my blemishes clear up, the mental and emotional aspects will take time. I understand others will say: "It's just makeup. Ditch it for him if you really love him!" But I don't think people understand how much I really can't stand seeing the face I have naked in the mirror. It brings me to tears and causes anxiety attacks -- which I feel like my boyfriend would resent me even more for. He doesn't have much patience for insecurity of any kind. I'm not sure what to tell him other than, "Let's wait and see." Any advice? -- Can't Face the Mirror
( Read more... )
I wear makeup because I am insecure about my skin and my face in general. I have tried any and all products recommended to me to help clear up my skin.
I have suffered from eating disorders in the past and have constant fixation and amplification of every flaw, so I'm aware of the fact that it might be body dysmorphia that is in part driving my anxiety about my face. I am going into therapy and seeing a dermatologist next month, and I will start my process there.
But in the meantime, when I look in the mirror at my bare face, I see a monster. Makeup takes away some of that anxiety -- gives me confidence in myself, allowing me to enjoy life a little more.
While I know that it is not healthy to be so dependent on cosmetics, they are helping me get through these feelings for now.
The problem is that my boyfriend hates that I wear makeup. He constantly insists that I stop wearing it, to the point that we regularly get in heated arguments about this. He even jokingly says he will break up with me if I continue to wear it. I tell him that not wearing makeup just doesn't work for me. I tried it once for a year. It didn't clear up my skin, and it was horrible emotionally.
I really don't know what to say to him at this point other than that I am in the process of hopefully solving this problem, but even if my blemishes clear up, the mental and emotional aspects will take time. I understand others will say: "It's just makeup. Ditch it for him if you really love him!" But I don't think people understand how much I really can't stand seeing the face I have naked in the mirror. It brings me to tears and causes anxiety attacks -- which I feel like my boyfriend would resent me even more for. He doesn't have much patience for insecurity of any kind. I'm not sure what to tell him other than, "Let's wait and see." Any advice? -- Can't Face the Mirror
( Read more... )
Dear Prudence: Two on a Theme
Aug. 27th, 2024 11:02 amminoanmissHelp! My Husband and I Became Temporary Parents. It Showed Me a Scary Side of Him.
Dear Prudence,
My husband and I agreed that we didn’t want to have kids. But last year, we said yes when someone in his family needed us as foster parents. I’d like to think that I was an OK foster mom: I made her my first priority and understood that our life was going to be organized around her. It turned out that her mom was in active addiction during pregnancy so she had more medical needs and troubles than most babies. It was not a radical or transformative experience with love, empathy, and bonding. It was an anxious, sleepless slog for a kid who needed it.
I felt like my husband passed the hardest parts off to me: all of the nighttime care, the daycare problems, the more painful doctor appointments, or the annoying social services bureaucracy. We fought about it but it never really got better. We only had her for six months but it was the longest six months ever.
My husband was heartbroken when it was time but I mostly felt relief when it was safe for her to return to her birth mom. Our monthly visits are perfect for me. We’d been together for 15 years and married for a decade but I suddenly saw all these cracks and selfishness within my husband that I’d never seen before. I’m still angry with him and I don’t know what to do—our marriage is back to feeling sweet and balanced but I can’t forget this nightmare experience. Part of me says this is a clue for how he’ll treat me badly if we grow old together and part of me says it was an experience we’d never had before and will never have again. What do I do here?
—Open Eyes
( Read more... )
Help! My Boyfriend’s Family Tried to Starve Me During an Isolated Backwoods Vacation.
Dear Prudence,
I am a vegan for a variety of reasons. I don’t preach and often find it easier to bring my own food rather than pick at my hosts for what goes into a meal. My boyfriend was invited to a family summer gathering. It was very isolated and rural. I explained I was bringing my own food (his father and brother made special vegan jokes to me before). What happened was the kids raided my food (it was in my pack) when the pantry snacks got locked up. I’d brought enough food for me for five days; they went through everything in five hours! I got upset, and it was just a big joke to everyone. Then it seemed to become a game. If I set aside some peanut butter and celery, someone would eat it. Same for the oranges I put aside for breakfast (I got offered cereal and milk instead). I tried to get my boyfriend to drive me to a grocery store, and he told me it would take more than two hours one way and to lighten up. By the time I left, I wanted to cry. My boyfriend and I have been fighting about it. He tells me I was overreacting and it wasn’t like I’d starve out there. Is he right? We’ve been together for nine months and talking about moving in together. I am having doubts.
—Vegan Vacation ( Read more... )
Dear Prudence,
My husband and I agreed that we didn’t want to have kids. But last year, we said yes when someone in his family needed us as foster parents. I’d like to think that I was an OK foster mom: I made her my first priority and understood that our life was going to be organized around her. It turned out that her mom was in active addiction during pregnancy so she had more medical needs and troubles than most babies. It was not a radical or transformative experience with love, empathy, and bonding. It was an anxious, sleepless slog for a kid who needed it.
I felt like my husband passed the hardest parts off to me: all of the nighttime care, the daycare problems, the more painful doctor appointments, or the annoying social services bureaucracy. We fought about it but it never really got better. We only had her for six months but it was the longest six months ever.
My husband was heartbroken when it was time but I mostly felt relief when it was safe for her to return to her birth mom. Our monthly visits are perfect for me. We’d been together for 15 years and married for a decade but I suddenly saw all these cracks and selfishness within my husband that I’d never seen before. I’m still angry with him and I don’t know what to do—our marriage is back to feeling sweet and balanced but I can’t forget this nightmare experience. Part of me says this is a clue for how he’ll treat me badly if we grow old together and part of me says it was an experience we’d never had before and will never have again. What do I do here?
—Open Eyes
( Read more... )
Help! My Boyfriend’s Family Tried to Starve Me During an Isolated Backwoods Vacation.
Dear Prudence,
I am a vegan for a variety of reasons. I don’t preach and often find it easier to bring my own food rather than pick at my hosts for what goes into a meal. My boyfriend was invited to a family summer gathering. It was very isolated and rural. I explained I was bringing my own food (his father and brother made special vegan jokes to me before). What happened was the kids raided my food (it was in my pack) when the pantry snacks got locked up. I’d brought enough food for me for five days; they went through everything in five hours! I got upset, and it was just a big joke to everyone. Then it seemed to become a game. If I set aside some peanut butter and celery, someone would eat it. Same for the oranges I put aside for breakfast (I got offered cereal and milk instead). I tried to get my boyfriend to drive me to a grocery store, and he told me it would take more than two hours one way and to lighten up. By the time I left, I wanted to cry. My boyfriend and I have been fighting about it. He tells me I was overreacting and it wasn’t like I’d starve out there. Is he right? We’ve been together for nine months and talking about moving in together. I am having doubts.
—Vegan Vacation ( Read more... )
conuly1. Dear Prudence,
I’m a 31-year-old female living in Chicago who happened to fall in love with an Orthodox Jewish man. I was raised Catholic in the south. We met at work, began as friends, and that friendship blossomed into a very loving, supportive relationship that I honestly never saw coming. Part of that is because I was completely closed off from love. In my 29 years before I started dating him, I never dated anyone. I had the strongest of the strongest walls up. Completely cut off from anyone that gave me anything close to intimacy. Then came him. He slowly broke down my walls, and I learned how to love, how to be there in a relationship, and how to find myself in a relationship. He treats me extremely well, loves my family, and wants to marry me.
We’ve been dating for a year a half at this point, and I’m coming to terms with the fact that I should probably convert. I kosher-ized my kitchen, I’ve eaten at all Kosher restaurants, I’m reading all the required books for Orthodox conversion, and I am understanding more and more about Judaism. He’s met everyone in my family, come to family events, and come home with me multiple times (I live hours away from my family). I’ve met his brothers on basically one occasion and never met his father. His mother passed away two years ago. I don’t get to attend his family holidays, as I’m not Jewish.
I lost my best friend of 15 years when I started this relationship. She didn’t agree that I should take the risk, and didn’t like the difference in privacy that she and I had as I navigated this first-time relationship. She struggles with her own boundary issues that I think came into play during this new time of friendship.
So my question is this: Do I convert? My life would look different. I wouldn’t eat at the same restaurants, wouldn’t celebrate the same holidays, wouldn’t attend the same (two) religious services I grew up going to each year. I would make Shabbos each Friday evening, not using my phone or any other electricity for 25 hours every weekend. All for a man I love so dearly. So do I do it? Do I make the next step? What are your thoughts?
—Do I Convert
( Read more... )
************
2. Dear Prudence,
I met the woman I thought I’d spend my life with, and we were together for four years. As we got older and her extended family died and we started talking about kids, she became much more religious. Her religion passes through the maternal line, and so she says it’s very important for her as part of the family. She eventually gave me an ultimatum: Convert or break up. I love her, but I’m an atheist and the best I would be able to do is lie my way through, which is a bad foundation for marriage. We broke up and it’s been two years, but I still miss her. Recently she reached out and said she’d changed her mind and wants to try again, and I don’t have to convert. I don’t even know how to start thinking about this. What should I do?
—Second Time Is or Isn’t a Charm
( Read more... )
I’m a 31-year-old female living in Chicago who happened to fall in love with an Orthodox Jewish man. I was raised Catholic in the south. We met at work, began as friends, and that friendship blossomed into a very loving, supportive relationship that I honestly never saw coming. Part of that is because I was completely closed off from love. In my 29 years before I started dating him, I never dated anyone. I had the strongest of the strongest walls up. Completely cut off from anyone that gave me anything close to intimacy. Then came him. He slowly broke down my walls, and I learned how to love, how to be there in a relationship, and how to find myself in a relationship. He treats me extremely well, loves my family, and wants to marry me.
We’ve been dating for a year a half at this point, and I’m coming to terms with the fact that I should probably convert. I kosher-ized my kitchen, I’ve eaten at all Kosher restaurants, I’m reading all the required books for Orthodox conversion, and I am understanding more and more about Judaism. He’s met everyone in my family, come to family events, and come home with me multiple times (I live hours away from my family). I’ve met his brothers on basically one occasion and never met his father. His mother passed away two years ago. I don’t get to attend his family holidays, as I’m not Jewish.
I lost my best friend of 15 years when I started this relationship. She didn’t agree that I should take the risk, and didn’t like the difference in privacy that she and I had as I navigated this first-time relationship. She struggles with her own boundary issues that I think came into play during this new time of friendship.
So my question is this: Do I convert? My life would look different. I wouldn’t eat at the same restaurants, wouldn’t celebrate the same holidays, wouldn’t attend the same (two) religious services I grew up going to each year. I would make Shabbos each Friday evening, not using my phone or any other electricity for 25 hours every weekend. All for a man I love so dearly. So do I do it? Do I make the next step? What are your thoughts?
—Do I Convert
( Read more... )
2. Dear Prudence,
I met the woman I thought I’d spend my life with, and we were together for four years. As we got older and her extended family died and we started talking about kids, she became much more religious. Her religion passes through the maternal line, and so she says it’s very important for her as part of the family. She eventually gave me an ultimatum: Convert or break up. I love her, but I’m an atheist and the best I would be able to do is lie my way through, which is a bad foundation for marriage. We broke up and it’s been two years, but I still miss her. Recently she reached out and said she’d changed her mind and wants to try again, and I don’t have to convert. I don’t even know how to start thinking about this. What should I do?
—Second Time Is or Isn’t a Charm
( Read more... )
swingandswirlCarolyn Hax: Fiancé secretly tracks ‘gold digger’s’ contribution to shared home
She wants to believe fiancé’s “gold digger” jab was just anxiety talking — but he also has a spreadsheet of what each has spent.
(no subject)
May. 16th, 2024 07:19 pmconulyDear Captain,
Like 12 years ago, I (she/her) met a guy (he/him) online dating. He was perfect on paper and I felt sparks, which isn’t very common for me. Due to some mental health stuff he was very open about, he was super flaky. We’d get together a few times, then he would disappear for months. We ended up in that cycle for a while – having a great time for a bit before extended periods of silence. He was always kind, gentle, and non-judgmental and was doing his best. I ended up feeling very strongly connected to him, in a way that I haven’t with most other people.
In late 2015, he discovered that a) a different mental health diagnosis better fit his symptoms, and b) he had late-stage cancer and would be starting aggressive treatment. Things were not smooth sailing, cancer-wise. In summer 2016, he got in touch late in the evening and said he needed some support. I headed over to his neighbourhood and we went for a walk and talked for hours. Things got deep and we both shared a lot. There was some vodka (both of us) and some drugs (him) involved. He was waiting for some test results and expected them to be bad. We ended up in a small park in the middle of the night and things got a bit mutually flirty. And then the heavens opened up and we were caught in a sudden, intense rainstorm. Captain, it was the most romantic thing that has ever happened to me. Anyway, we both (him first) expressed interest in touching, made out under a bridge, then went back to his place and naked fun ensued.
A day or two later, I invited him to mine for more no-strings-attached fun. (Bad idea, since I had caught feelings). He enthusiastically agreed, but cancelled before we met up, saying he wasn’t really up to being around people. I assumed he got the test results back and his fears had been confirmed. This time, the silence lasted over three years. I reached out every few months, but never got a response. It broke my heart. I started to wonder if he had cared about me at all. So I stopped reaching out and put him out of my mind. About a year ago, I looked online to see if he was even still alive. I found an obituary, but it was for his girlfriend, who had died unexpectedly a few months prior. I left that man alone.
Then a few days ago, after a tough few weeks – and a dream in which I hit it off with, then got ghosted by Jason Mantzoukas – I was cycling past where he used to live, and got all up in my feelings. I went back to that park, cried, and sat on the grass until my foot got numb and it started to get cold. There’s not much to find online, but I don’t see an obituary. I found a picture that I think is relatively recent and he looks good. Like, lookin’ good, but also looking healthy.
So. Where does casually* reaching out fall on a scale from 1 to This is Bad News Bears and Everyone Knows It But Me? *Saying I was randomly thinking about him recently and asking how he’s doing. No Feelingsbombs.
I know that, usually, when someone stops talking to you, they don’t want to. Is it worth considering he might be too embarrassed about how things went down to reach out? Is there a legitimate possibility that things could be different now, if he is cancer-free and his mental health is mostly under control? Or am I deluding myself because of strong feelings and an idealized relationship that I’ve imagined?
Unbreak My Heart
( Read more... )
Like 12 years ago, I (she/her) met a guy (he/him) online dating. He was perfect on paper and I felt sparks, which isn’t very common for me. Due to some mental health stuff he was very open about, he was super flaky. We’d get together a few times, then he would disappear for months. We ended up in that cycle for a while – having a great time for a bit before extended periods of silence. He was always kind, gentle, and non-judgmental and was doing his best. I ended up feeling very strongly connected to him, in a way that I haven’t with most other people.
In late 2015, he discovered that a) a different mental health diagnosis better fit his symptoms, and b) he had late-stage cancer and would be starting aggressive treatment. Things were not smooth sailing, cancer-wise. In summer 2016, he got in touch late in the evening and said he needed some support. I headed over to his neighbourhood and we went for a walk and talked for hours. Things got deep and we both shared a lot. There was some vodka (both of us) and some drugs (him) involved. He was waiting for some test results and expected them to be bad. We ended up in a small park in the middle of the night and things got a bit mutually flirty. And then the heavens opened up and we were caught in a sudden, intense rainstorm. Captain, it was the most romantic thing that has ever happened to me. Anyway, we both (him first) expressed interest in touching, made out under a bridge, then went back to his place and naked fun ensued.
A day or two later, I invited him to mine for more no-strings-attached fun. (Bad idea, since I had caught feelings). He enthusiastically agreed, but cancelled before we met up, saying he wasn’t really up to being around people. I assumed he got the test results back and his fears had been confirmed. This time, the silence lasted over three years. I reached out every few months, but never got a response. It broke my heart. I started to wonder if he had cared about me at all. So I stopped reaching out and put him out of my mind. About a year ago, I looked online to see if he was even still alive. I found an obituary, but it was for his girlfriend, who had died unexpectedly a few months prior. I left that man alone.
Then a few days ago, after a tough few weeks – and a dream in which I hit it off with, then got ghosted by Jason Mantzoukas – I was cycling past where he used to live, and got all up in my feelings. I went back to that park, cried, and sat on the grass until my foot got numb and it started to get cold. There’s not much to find online, but I don’t see an obituary. I found a picture that I think is relatively recent and he looks good. Like, lookin’ good, but also looking healthy.
So. Where does casually* reaching out fall on a scale from 1 to This is Bad News Bears and Everyone Knows It But Me? *Saying I was randomly thinking about him recently and asking how he’s doing. No Feelingsbombs.
I know that, usually, when someone stops talking to you, they don’t want to. Is it worth considering he might be too embarrassed about how things went down to reach out? Is there a legitimate possibility that things could be different now, if he is cancer-free and his mental health is mostly under control? Or am I deluding myself because of strong feelings and an idealized relationship that I’ve imagined?
Unbreak My Heart
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minoanmissDear Amy: “Liz” and I have been best friends since high school. We’re now in our 30s. We’ve been there for each other through breakups and divorces and childbirth and her coming out as a lesbian.
We have always told each other everything, so when she started telling me things via text about her new girlfriend that sounded like emotional abuse, I told her I worried that’s what it was. There have been many, many red flags throughout their relationship that pointed to emotional abuse and I had in the past mentioned that it sounded as such.
She said she wanted to meet in person to explain why she didn’t feel it was emotional abuse. I explained that if the meeting was to convince me of her girlfriend’s virtues it was a waste of time. After that I didn’t hear from her for months, despite my texts and phone calls. She finally reached out to me six months ago to say that they were probably breaking up. I kept my mouth shut this time, having learned my lesson.
That was the last I’ve heard from her in months. I’ve reached out many, many times and have received no response.
I don’t understand what is happening or how to resolve it if she won’t respond. I’d hate to think that a 20-year friendship is destroyed because of what, exactly? What should I do?
Concerned
Concerned: One theory is that "Liz" did not in fact break up with her girlfriend, and because she has remained in the relationship and she knows how you feel about it, she has decided to keep her girlfriend, and let you go.
It is a devastating reality that when you have a loved-one you believe to be in an abusive relationship, you sometimes have to willingly relinquish your own influence, to continue to stay in the relationship.
Reach out to her in a neutral attitude of support. Do not raise the issue of her relationship, and don’t pressure her to be in touch. Simply tell her, “I was thinking about you today and hope you are doing well.” Share a bit of news from your own life, and then hope that eventually she will gradually work with you to restore your friendship.
We have always told each other everything, so when she started telling me things via text about her new girlfriend that sounded like emotional abuse, I told her I worried that’s what it was. There have been many, many red flags throughout their relationship that pointed to emotional abuse and I had in the past mentioned that it sounded as such.
She said she wanted to meet in person to explain why she didn’t feel it was emotional abuse. I explained that if the meeting was to convince me of her girlfriend’s virtues it was a waste of time. After that I didn’t hear from her for months, despite my texts and phone calls. She finally reached out to me six months ago to say that they were probably breaking up. I kept my mouth shut this time, having learned my lesson.
That was the last I’ve heard from her in months. I’ve reached out many, many times and have received no response.
I don’t understand what is happening or how to resolve it if she won’t respond. I’d hate to think that a 20-year friendship is destroyed because of what, exactly? What should I do?
Concerned
Concerned: One theory is that "Liz" did not in fact break up with her girlfriend, and because she has remained in the relationship and she knows how you feel about it, she has decided to keep her girlfriend, and let you go.
It is a devastating reality that when you have a loved-one you believe to be in an abusive relationship, you sometimes have to willingly relinquish your own influence, to continue to stay in the relationship.
Reach out to her in a neutral attitude of support. Do not raise the issue of her relationship, and don’t pressure her to be in touch. Simply tell her, “I was thinking about you today and hope you are doing well.” Share a bit of news from your own life, and then hope that eventually she will gradually work with you to restore your friendship.
(no subject)
Jan. 17th, 2024 04:26 pmconulyDear Prudence,
This is one of those “my husband is great but…” questions. The “but” is he falls asleep on the couch sometimes. Not all, or even most, of the time but it tends to happen in waves where he will often for a week or two then won’t for several weeks. He has no problems with our bed in general. I am a light sleeper, typically waking up at every tiny sound (and with two young kids there are lots of those) but mostly being able to fall back asleep quickly. I’ve never asked my husband to come to sleep early or change his nighttime routine to accommodate me. All I ask is he comes to bed instead of falling asleep on the couch whatever time that happens to be.
If I wake up and see that he isn’t in bed but should be (basically if it’s past midnight), then no matter how hard I try I cannot stop my brain from fully waking me up. I can’t stop wondering if he remembered to check the doors are locked, or if he started the dishwasher, or if he got a call from work and is in his office. I inevitably have to get out of bed to find him and then I can’t fall back asleep for over an hour. My husband claims he isn’t trying to fall asleep on the couch but that he “can’t control it.” I’ve never “just fallen asleep” on the couch without meaning to/knowing I am and I want to call BS on that excuse. I think he just doesn’t want to get up and ready for bed when he is comfortable and half asleep on the couch. So, do some people really fall asleep so fast and hard that they can’t reasonably be expected to change, or does my husband need to try a little harder? I also can’t help but think that sleeping a full night in bed has got to be healthier than sleeping a few hours, waking up and getting ready for bed, and going back to sleep. I should note he has tried setting an alarm but almost always turns it off without fully waking up.
—Just Come to Bed
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This is one of those “my husband is great but…” questions. The “but” is he falls asleep on the couch sometimes. Not all, or even most, of the time but it tends to happen in waves where he will often for a week or two then won’t for several weeks. He has no problems with our bed in general. I am a light sleeper, typically waking up at every tiny sound (and with two young kids there are lots of those) but mostly being able to fall back asleep quickly. I’ve never asked my husband to come to sleep early or change his nighttime routine to accommodate me. All I ask is he comes to bed instead of falling asleep on the couch whatever time that happens to be.
If I wake up and see that he isn’t in bed but should be (basically if it’s past midnight), then no matter how hard I try I cannot stop my brain from fully waking me up. I can’t stop wondering if he remembered to check the doors are locked, or if he started the dishwasher, or if he got a call from work and is in his office. I inevitably have to get out of bed to find him and then I can’t fall back asleep for over an hour. My husband claims he isn’t trying to fall asleep on the couch but that he “can’t control it.” I’ve never “just fallen asleep” on the couch without meaning to/knowing I am and I want to call BS on that excuse. I think he just doesn’t want to get up and ready for bed when he is comfortable and half asleep on the couch. So, do some people really fall asleep so fast and hard that they can’t reasonably be expected to change, or does my husband need to try a little harder? I also can’t help but think that sleeping a full night in bed has got to be healthier than sleeping a few hours, waking up and getting ready for bed, and going back to sleep. I should note he has tried setting an alarm but almost always turns it off without fully waking up.
—Just Come to Bed
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swingandswirlThis is a doozy, y'all.
Dear Carolyn: A few years ago, I quit having sex with my husband. For a while, he slept on the couch, but now he’s taken to sleeping in a tent in the backyard — even in the dead of winter! It’s so embarrassing. I’ve begged him to sleep inside, but he says he likes sleeping in the fresh air. I’m sure all our neighbors are talking about how he’s sleeping like a cave man. How can I make him come to his senses and sleep like a human being?
— It’s Just Tacky
( What even is this answer? )
Try it this way: You have what you want, and he has what he wants. Your neighbors, assuming they even care, have something to titillate them for about five minutes, if that.
The meaningless pains and nuisances set in motion by fears that something was “tacky” or “embarrassing” or “sure” to be gossiped about would fill enough tents end-to-end to wrap the globe like a nylon mummy.
So give it a rest, for that reason alone.
And remember that you, it seems unilaterally, are the one who cut off a supply of physical affection that many regard as emotionally sustaining. So while halves of couples always have that prerogative — bodily autonomy is paramount — you were able to do this with a peaceable level of acceptance from your husband.
To now be yammering at him for the way he chose to accept it? Don’t even try to pass that off as okay.
Readers’ thoughts:
· “Tacky”? I really, really hope that was a troll.
· Does he take snacks in there? Watch movies on a laptop or iPad? How big of a tent are we talking about? This sounds like a DREAM situation, and the rest of my afternoon will be spent on tent research.
ceretaDear Amy: I am an older woman who fell in love with a man 17 years younger than me. I love this man with everything I have. We met about five years ago at my home during Thanksgiving.
Unfortunately for us, his brother is married to my daughter.
I have practically raised their daughter from infancy; she’s going into second grade this year. When my boyfriend and I started seeing each other, my son-in-law decided he would punish me by keeping my granddaughter away from me. (She was 4 at the time.)
The pressure and pain I endured was overwhelming and I broke up with the first man I've ever loved, who I was completely comfortable with, in order to spend time with my granddaughter.
Then, last year, my guy and I reunited. I love him more every day, but the same thing happened again — my granddaughter wasn’t allowed to come to my home anymore and my son-in-law treats me like dirt. So we broke up again because the pain is almost unbearable for both of us.
I would like your thoughts on this, please, because I need help. I don’t want to live a miserable life without the love of my life.
— Heartbroken
Heartbroken: I’m going to take it as a given that your partner doesn’t present any risks to your granddaughter, and that your son-in-law’s treatment of you is a reflection of the rage he feels at his perception that you are encroaching upon his family.
Nowhere here do you mention your daughter, who is married to this controlling and abusive man. He is managing to control the lives of four people: his wife, his brother, you, and your granddaughter. Perhaps it’s time that someone stood up to him.
You can’t stand up to him if your heart is aching and breaking, and so you will have to train yourself to withstand the consequent separation. It might help if you see your own choice as sending a strong message to both your daughter and granddaughter: “I won’t let him control me.”
Live your life. A counselor could help you and your partner to navigate the anxiety you feel. You should also consult with a lawyer. In my state, grandparents can file a legal petition for visitation.
Unfortunately for us, his brother is married to my daughter.
I have practically raised their daughter from infancy; she’s going into second grade this year. When my boyfriend and I started seeing each other, my son-in-law decided he would punish me by keeping my granddaughter away from me. (She was 4 at the time.)
The pressure and pain I endured was overwhelming and I broke up with the first man I've ever loved, who I was completely comfortable with, in order to spend time with my granddaughter.
Then, last year, my guy and I reunited. I love him more every day, but the same thing happened again — my granddaughter wasn’t allowed to come to my home anymore and my son-in-law treats me like dirt. So we broke up again because the pain is almost unbearable for both of us.
I would like your thoughts on this, please, because I need help. I don’t want to live a miserable life without the love of my life.
— Heartbroken
Heartbroken: I’m going to take it as a given that your partner doesn’t present any risks to your granddaughter, and that your son-in-law’s treatment of you is a reflection of the rage he feels at his perception that you are encroaching upon his family.
Nowhere here do you mention your daughter, who is married to this controlling and abusive man. He is managing to control the lives of four people: his wife, his brother, you, and your granddaughter. Perhaps it’s time that someone stood up to him.
You can’t stand up to him if your heart is aching and breaking, and so you will have to train yourself to withstand the consequent separation. It might help if you see your own choice as sending a strong message to both your daughter and granddaughter: “I won’t let him control me.”
Live your life. A counselor could help you and your partner to navigate the anxiety you feel. You should also consult with a lawyer. In my state, grandparents can file a legal petition for visitation.
Carolyn Hax: Productivity
Jul. 27th, 2023 09:32 amceretaAdapted from a reader chat.
Dear Carolyn: Before the pandemic, my wife and I — early 30s, both lawyers — had long working hours and frequent business travel, with weekends spent largely on family events and cultural activities. Once our respective firms sent us to work at home, we calculated we would gain 30-plus hours a week, even while still working full-time, due to not commuting, traveling or socializing in person. We promised each other we would use that time to be productive in ways our prior schedules did not permit.
I kept up my end of the bargain: In six months I read 25 biographies, developed decent conversational skills in two foreign languages, upped my running program to the point that I am marathon-ready, and started volunteering for voter registration advocacy, all while continuing to work full-time. My wife has done … not so much. She has been reading fantasy novels, occasionally watching a History Channel documentary, and has generally used the time to “unwind.”
I have confronted her several times, and she tells me she is “rejecting productivity culture” and doesn't feel like improving herself right now. We share housework, cooking, and other practical matters, and she does exercise, but I'm getting increasingly frustrated — disgusted, even — that she would waste this gift of free time just to watch TV and read books better suited for children.
I have asked her to get counseling and a depression evaluation, but she has refused and thinks she is conducting herself “fine.” Do you have any suggestions, other than divorce?
— Productive
Productive: Divorce might be her best option, so do I have to leave it out?
Wow.
People are different. People can be different and still be good. People can be different and still be worthy. They can have different needs, want different things, set different goals, have different levels of energy and ambition, evolve in different ways. If you can't love and respect someone who made the perfectly valid decision to enjoy life, then maybe the most generous thing you can do is admit your heart isn't in the marriage anymore, and free you both to discuss what comes next.
Is anyone so awesome a catch that it would be worth not being loved or respected — worth arousing “disgust” — just to stay married?
Plus, if your definition of “improving” oneself didn’t include rest and juicy novels, then our differences would be irreconcilable.
But I digress. She's not taking advantage of you, leaving an illness or bad habit unaddressed, or betraying you. She's working, doing her share of chores, taking care of herself. “Fine” sounds fine.
You, within your rigid ideas of a life worth living, just don't like her — that's what you're saying, to my ear. So what else am I supposed to suggest? Language tapes over your home's speakers, like heavy metal outside an embassy in Panama, to break her?
Readers' thoughts:
· “Just to read books better suited for children"? Holy cats!! Reading anything different from what she reads all day will be good for recharging and growth. Your way to “improve yourself” isn’t the same for your wife — nor should you be the one to decide how she uses this time.
· Something tells me that, pre-covid, Productivity Guy was super busy because he wanted to be, and his wife was super busy because she was forced to be.
· The contempt in that question is so palpable it’s tough to see them coming back from it.
· I suspect Productive doesn’t particularly like himself, either. That’s the toxicity of the cult of productivity. It convinces us we’re worthless if we’re not constantly checking items off a to-do list.
There was an update: divorce. Read here.
There was another update: reconciliation. Read here.
Dear Carolyn: Before the pandemic, my wife and I — early 30s, both lawyers — had long working hours and frequent business travel, with weekends spent largely on family events and cultural activities. Once our respective firms sent us to work at home, we calculated we would gain 30-plus hours a week, even while still working full-time, due to not commuting, traveling or socializing in person. We promised each other we would use that time to be productive in ways our prior schedules did not permit.
I kept up my end of the bargain: In six months I read 25 biographies, developed decent conversational skills in two foreign languages, upped my running program to the point that I am marathon-ready, and started volunteering for voter registration advocacy, all while continuing to work full-time. My wife has done … not so much. She has been reading fantasy novels, occasionally watching a History Channel documentary, and has generally used the time to “unwind.”
I have confronted her several times, and she tells me she is “rejecting productivity culture” and doesn't feel like improving herself right now. We share housework, cooking, and other practical matters, and she does exercise, but I'm getting increasingly frustrated — disgusted, even — that she would waste this gift of free time just to watch TV and read books better suited for children.
I have asked her to get counseling and a depression evaluation, but she has refused and thinks she is conducting herself “fine.” Do you have any suggestions, other than divorce?
— Productive
Productive: Divorce might be her best option, so do I have to leave it out?
Wow.
People are different. People can be different and still be good. People can be different and still be worthy. They can have different needs, want different things, set different goals, have different levels of energy and ambition, evolve in different ways. If you can't love and respect someone who made the perfectly valid decision to enjoy life, then maybe the most generous thing you can do is admit your heart isn't in the marriage anymore, and free you both to discuss what comes next.
Is anyone so awesome a catch that it would be worth not being loved or respected — worth arousing “disgust” — just to stay married?
Plus, if your definition of “improving” oneself didn’t include rest and juicy novels, then our differences would be irreconcilable.
But I digress. She's not taking advantage of you, leaving an illness or bad habit unaddressed, or betraying you. She's working, doing her share of chores, taking care of herself. “Fine” sounds fine.
You, within your rigid ideas of a life worth living, just don't like her — that's what you're saying, to my ear. So what else am I supposed to suggest? Language tapes over your home's speakers, like heavy metal outside an embassy in Panama, to break her?
Readers' thoughts:
· “Just to read books better suited for children"? Holy cats!! Reading anything different from what she reads all day will be good for recharging and growth. Your way to “improve yourself” isn’t the same for your wife — nor should you be the one to decide how she uses this time.
· Something tells me that, pre-covid, Productivity Guy was super busy because he wanted to be, and his wife was super busy because she was forced to be.
· The contempt in that question is so palpable it’s tough to see them coming back from it.
· I suspect Productive doesn’t particularly like himself, either. That’s the toxicity of the cult of productivity. It convinces us we’re worthless if we’re not constantly checking items off a to-do list.
There was an update: divorce. Read here.
There was another update: reconciliation. Read here.
(no subject)
Jun. 4th, 2023 04:44 pmconulyDEAR ABBY: One of my dear friends is Christian. She knows I'm Jewish. I don't expect her to acknowledge many of the Jewish holidays because I'm sure she's unfamiliar with them. However, Hanukkah is ubiquitous, and it would be nice if she would wish me a "Happy Hanukkah."
Every year, she wishes me a "Merry Christmas," buys me a Christmas gift and a Christmas card. She's a truly nice person, and I don't think she's deliberately being dismissive or insensitive. I have mentioned this to her several times over the years, but it seems to fall on deaf ears. Without insulting her or seeming ungrateful, how can I let her know this bothers me? -- OBSERVANT IN OHIO
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Every year, she wishes me a "Merry Christmas," buys me a Christmas gift and a Christmas card. She's a truly nice person, and I don't think she's deliberately being dismissive or insensitive. I have mentioned this to her several times over the years, but it seems to fall on deaf ears. Without insulting her or seeming ungrateful, how can I let her know this bothers me? -- OBSERVANT IN OHIO
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minoanmiss(Not the title TBA used but I wanted to be clear it was the same letter.) ( Read more... )
ceretaDear Carolyn: My girlfriend of two years was invited to the wedding of a classmate of hers. I asked whether I could attend as her date. She said that, because the invitation didn’t include me, I shouldn’t go. I asked whether she wouldn’t mind asking the bride. She refused.
I assumed she would stay only a very short time. By midnight, I finally hear from her. She proclaims that I am completely wrong and should not have made this into a big deal. My problem is that she didn’t even try. And she was going to see two people with whom she has history. I believe I wasn’t included because of them, which she denies.
— R.
R.: Your girlfriend was right: An invitation addressed only to her means you weren’t invited, and it’s not acceptable to pressure couples to add guests.
If you really believe your girlfriend is a liar who can’t be trusted without a chaperone, then please direct your efforts to asking yourself why you haven’t just broken up with her — instead of angling for invitations to weddings you apparently had no other reason to want to attend than to supervise her.
I assumed she would stay only a very short time. By midnight, I finally hear from her. She proclaims that I am completely wrong and should not have made this into a big deal. My problem is that she didn’t even try. And she was going to see two people with whom she has history. I believe I wasn’t included because of them, which she denies.
— R.
R.: Your girlfriend was right: An invitation addressed only to her means you weren’t invited, and it’s not acceptable to pressure couples to add guests.
If you really believe your girlfriend is a liar who can’t be trusted without a chaperone, then please direct your efforts to asking yourself why you haven’t just broken up with her — instead of angling for invitations to weddings you apparently had no other reason to want to attend than to supervise her.
petrea_mitchellActual headline: Why Tho? How can I encourage my friend to dump her unnecessarily mean boyfriend?
Dear Lizzy,
I have a friend who is dating a guy I think is bad for her. He is every red flag in the book. He is condescending, throws tantrums when things don’t go his way and is unnecessarily mean. He is pretty much every terrible guy Taylor Swift has ever written a song about.
Whenever she tells me about their relationship, I try to listen and come from a place of non-judgement, but it’s getting harder for me to do that. I’m concerned that she may end up moving in with or getting engaged to this person.
Am I out of line to tell her that I think she should break it off? She’s an adult and has to make her own decisions, but every time she tells me about their relationship it sounds more and more toxic, and I’m worried about her. What can I say to her that doesn’t judge or push, but also encourages her to see that this is a bad situation?
Resisting the Urge To Yell “DUMP HIM”
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Dear Lizzy,
I have a friend who is dating a guy I think is bad for her. He is every red flag in the book. He is condescending, throws tantrums when things don’t go his way and is unnecessarily mean. He is pretty much every terrible guy Taylor Swift has ever written a song about.
Whenever she tells me about their relationship, I try to listen and come from a place of non-judgement, but it’s getting harder for me to do that. I’m concerned that she may end up moving in with or getting engaged to this person.
Am I out of line to tell her that I think she should break it off? She’s an adult and has to make her own decisions, but every time she tells me about their relationship it sounds more and more toxic, and I’m worried about her. What can I say to her that doesn’t judge or push, but also encourages her to see that this is a bad situation?
Resisting the Urge To Yell “DUMP HIM”
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Dear Prudence: The Plot Thickens
Oct. 29th, 2022 09:06 pmermingardenTwo letters that seem to be about the same incident, and which offer very different perspectives.
The first letter was published October 3:
Q. Hypochondriac In Love: Is it a red flag that my partner initially refused to take me to the emergency room? I am a young woman who is living with my boyfriend of over six years. We are very happy except for my chronic medical issues occasionally causing me great pain and some tension between us. The other night I was having serious abdominal pain and vomiting. I begged him several times to take me to the ER and he refused, reminding me that I’ve gone to the ER before for what my insurance considered non-emergencies and charged me extra for it. Finally, I called 911 for an ambulance and he took the phone from me and told them not to come. He drove me then to the ER and was angry when I threw up in his car. They did a CT scan and diagnosed me with acute colitis, cystitis, and a kidney infection. I apologized to him and I admit I can sometimes be a bit of a hypochondriac and he’s normally compassionate about my illnesses. I love him very much but I wonder if I should take this as a bad sign.
A: No, you shouldn’t take it as a bad sign. You should take it as a relationship-ending, unforgivable sign.
The second letter was published today, October 29:
My wife (“Laura”) and I have been together for 10 years and we’ve mostly had a good relationship until the past couple of years. Laura is a hypochondriac. In the beginning, it was really minor and barely noticeable—she insisted any cold she got was actually pneumonia or an upset stomach was appendicitis. As time went on, she became convinced she was suffering from an undiagnosed illness and after years of seeing doctors and getting tested, a doctor diagnosed her with a syndrome that mostly consists of a collection of symptoms with no other cause, no test to confirm the diagnosis, and no treatment except lifestyle and diet changes. I had hoped by getting a diagnosis her hypochondria would calm down.
It has not and I fear it is getting worse and turning into Munchausen syndrome. It was brought to my attention recently that Laura may have written into this column about an incident that happened a few weeks ago where she was vomiting and I wouldn’t take her to the hospital and prevented an ambulance from coming to get her. In the letter, she changed some identifying information—but the other details matched an incident that happened between us. My concern with the letter was her presentation of her diagnosis with medical terms derived from the CT scan and not the actual diagnosis the ER doc gave her, as well as leaving out key information, such as the questionable leftover chicken she had eaten earlier that day and the UTI she was diagnosed with earlier in the week and was supposed to be taking antibiotics for. She wrote that she was diagnosed with “acute colitis, cystitis, and a kidney infection”, however, except for alluding to her UTI moving into her kidneys, the doctor told her that she likely had food poisoning (acute colitis) and needed stronger antibiotics for her UTI because of the slight bladder and kidney inflammation (cystitis). He gave her new antibiotics for the UTI and when I went to throw away the old ones when we got home, I noticed that they were much fuller than they should be and asked her if she’d been taking them. She said that she may have missed a “couple of doses” but there were a lot of pills remaining.
I’m really scared that she is trying to make herself sick. If she did write the letter, then I am also scared that she is trying to get public validation and sympathy and that she may continue to escalate. I’ve alluded previously that this is all in her head and it did not go well so I hesitate to ask her outright but I need to do something. I don’t want her to hurt herself and I want her to get the help she needs. Should I try to talk to her therapist about my fears? I know he can’t break doctor-patient confidentiality but can family members tell them about their fears so they can do some probing? Should I mention my fears to her physician? Her family? Even before this incident, I knew some sort of intervention needed to happen as we have nearly $10,000 in medical debt from her various tests and medical visits. Her health is more important than the money, but if this is Munchausen and it can be fixed by therapy, then I’d prefer that than to keep adding to our debt.
—In Love With a Hypochondriac
Dear In Love,
Well this complicates things… Sorry for telling her to leave you. I don’t know what a therapist or doctor will do with the information you provide, but it can’t hurt to share your concerns with them as well as a couple of trusted family members. I will add that, whether she made herself sick or not, she was actually sick and you should have helped her get to the hospital. If your suspicions are true, I hope she can get help but in the meantime, you should make it a priority to respond to her very real illness and suffering, despite your belief about its origins.
The first letter was published October 3:
Q. Hypochondriac In Love: Is it a red flag that my partner initially refused to take me to the emergency room? I am a young woman who is living with my boyfriend of over six years. We are very happy except for my chronic medical issues occasionally causing me great pain and some tension between us. The other night I was having serious abdominal pain and vomiting. I begged him several times to take me to the ER and he refused, reminding me that I’ve gone to the ER before for what my insurance considered non-emergencies and charged me extra for it. Finally, I called 911 for an ambulance and he took the phone from me and told them not to come. He drove me then to the ER and was angry when I threw up in his car. They did a CT scan and diagnosed me with acute colitis, cystitis, and a kidney infection. I apologized to him and I admit I can sometimes be a bit of a hypochondriac and he’s normally compassionate about my illnesses. I love him very much but I wonder if I should take this as a bad sign.
A: No, you shouldn’t take it as a bad sign. You should take it as a relationship-ending, unforgivable sign.
The second letter was published today, October 29:
My wife (“Laura”) and I have been together for 10 years and we’ve mostly had a good relationship until the past couple of years. Laura is a hypochondriac. In the beginning, it was really minor and barely noticeable—she insisted any cold she got was actually pneumonia or an upset stomach was appendicitis. As time went on, she became convinced she was suffering from an undiagnosed illness and after years of seeing doctors and getting tested, a doctor diagnosed her with a syndrome that mostly consists of a collection of symptoms with no other cause, no test to confirm the diagnosis, and no treatment except lifestyle and diet changes. I had hoped by getting a diagnosis her hypochondria would calm down.
It has not and I fear it is getting worse and turning into Munchausen syndrome. It was brought to my attention recently that Laura may have written into this column about an incident that happened a few weeks ago where she was vomiting and I wouldn’t take her to the hospital and prevented an ambulance from coming to get her. In the letter, she changed some identifying information—but the other details matched an incident that happened between us. My concern with the letter was her presentation of her diagnosis with medical terms derived from the CT scan and not the actual diagnosis the ER doc gave her, as well as leaving out key information, such as the questionable leftover chicken she had eaten earlier that day and the UTI she was diagnosed with earlier in the week and was supposed to be taking antibiotics for. She wrote that she was diagnosed with “acute colitis, cystitis, and a kidney infection”, however, except for alluding to her UTI moving into her kidneys, the doctor told her that she likely had food poisoning (acute colitis) and needed stronger antibiotics for her UTI because of the slight bladder and kidney inflammation (cystitis). He gave her new antibiotics for the UTI and when I went to throw away the old ones when we got home, I noticed that they were much fuller than they should be and asked her if she’d been taking them. She said that she may have missed a “couple of doses” but there were a lot of pills remaining.
I’m really scared that she is trying to make herself sick. If she did write the letter, then I am also scared that she is trying to get public validation and sympathy and that she may continue to escalate. I’ve alluded previously that this is all in her head and it did not go well so I hesitate to ask her outright but I need to do something. I don’t want her to hurt herself and I want her to get the help she needs. Should I try to talk to her therapist about my fears? I know he can’t break doctor-patient confidentiality but can family members tell them about their fears so they can do some probing? Should I mention my fears to her physician? Her family? Even before this incident, I knew some sort of intervention needed to happen as we have nearly $10,000 in medical debt from her various tests and medical visits. Her health is more important than the money, but if this is Munchausen and it can be fixed by therapy, then I’d prefer that than to keep adding to our debt.
—In Love With a Hypochondriac
Dear In Love,
Well this complicates things… Sorry for telling her to leave you. I don’t know what a therapist or doctor will do with the information you provide, but it can’t hurt to share your concerns with them as well as a couple of trusted family members. I will add that, whether she made herself sick or not, she was actually sick and you should have helped her get to the hospital. If your suspicions are true, I hope she can get help but in the meantime, you should make it a priority to respond to her very real illness and suffering, despite your belief about its origins.
