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minoanmissContent advisory: all sorts of harassment from bigoted speech to unwelcome touching. ( Read more... )
minoanmiss
minoanmissAsk A Manager, 13 Feb 2024:
I was rejected from a role for not answering an interview question. I had all the skills they asked for, and the recruiter and hiring manager loved me. ( Read more... )
I was rejected from a role for not answering an interview question. I had all the skills they asked for, and the recruiter and hiring manager loved me. ( Read more... )
(no subject)
Jul. 17th, 2023 08:34 pmceretaDear Care and Feeding,
I have been very happy with my daughter’s kindergarten teachers, with one tiny exception. At her parent-teacher conference, one of her teachers greeted me with, “I feel like I never see you around here, Mom!” I’m a working mom with complicated feelings about not being able to pick up my daughter every day, so that stung! (And I’d guess that more than 90 percent of the moms at this Brooklyn school are in the same boat.) I didn’t respond in the moment, but I am considering writing her to let her know that this stuck with me, so she doesn’t lay the mom guilt on anyone else at the next event. (As an aside, my husband was at the conference too, has rarely been around the school because he also works full time, and his non-presence was not remarked upon.) The school focuses on teaching children about inclusive language and thoughtful communication. So the question is: should I say something? Or am I letting my own conflicted feelings potentially complicate my relationship with my daughter’s teacher?
—Working Mom
Dear WM,
I’m sure your conflicted feelings colored your reaction—but I am also sure that the teacher slipped up here. She was “just making conversation,” as we say, but the conversation she made was unfortunate (old timey societal conventions die hard, don’t they?). If you can find an incredibly graceful, generous, and compassionate way to mention this, I’d say go for it. She will be embarrassed, but—given the school’s culture and expectations, and the fact that you have found her to be otherwise wonderful—one can hope she’ll also be grateful to have her faux paus gently pointed out to her. (It isn’t your relationship with her I’d worry about, by the way; it’s the possibility that if she feels insulted, she’ll unconsciously take it out on your kid.) You might try something on the order of, “I’m sure you meant nothing by it, and I feel almost ashamed to mention it, but as a working mother who wishes she could be in two places at the same time, your comment about not seeing me around hit me hard.” (I confess that I would probably be tempted to add, “My husband was relieved he wasn’t called out in this way!” but since that’s passive-aggressive, I would hope I’d be able to resist.)
Or—you know—you could just let the whole thing go. Especially if it isn’t other similarly situated mothers you’re concerned about (look into your heart!), but you mostly want to make her feel as bad as she made you feel. Life’s too short for that.
—Michelle
I have been very happy with my daughter’s kindergarten teachers, with one tiny exception. At her parent-teacher conference, one of her teachers greeted me with, “I feel like I never see you around here, Mom!” I’m a working mom with complicated feelings about not being able to pick up my daughter every day, so that stung! (And I’d guess that more than 90 percent of the moms at this Brooklyn school are in the same boat.) I didn’t respond in the moment, but I am considering writing her to let her know that this stuck with me, so she doesn’t lay the mom guilt on anyone else at the next event. (As an aside, my husband was at the conference too, has rarely been around the school because he also works full time, and his non-presence was not remarked upon.) The school focuses on teaching children about inclusive language and thoughtful communication. So the question is: should I say something? Or am I letting my own conflicted feelings potentially complicate my relationship with my daughter’s teacher?
—Working Mom
Dear WM,
I’m sure your conflicted feelings colored your reaction—but I am also sure that the teacher slipped up here. She was “just making conversation,” as we say, but the conversation she made was unfortunate (old timey societal conventions die hard, don’t they?). If you can find an incredibly graceful, generous, and compassionate way to mention this, I’d say go for it. She will be embarrassed, but—given the school’s culture and expectations, and the fact that you have found her to be otherwise wonderful—one can hope she’ll also be grateful to have her faux paus gently pointed out to her. (It isn’t your relationship with her I’d worry about, by the way; it’s the possibility that if she feels insulted, she’ll unconsciously take it out on your kid.) You might try something on the order of, “I’m sure you meant nothing by it, and I feel almost ashamed to mention it, but as a working mother who wishes she could be in two places at the same time, your comment about not seeing me around hit me hard.” (I confess that I would probably be tempted to add, “My husband was relieved he wasn’t called out in this way!” but since that’s passive-aggressive, I would hope I’d be able to resist.)
Or—you know—you could just let the whole thing go. Especially if it isn’t other similarly situated mothers you’re concerned about (look into your heart!), but you mostly want to make her feel as bad as she made you feel. Life’s too short for that.
—Michelle
minoanmiss(Not the title TBA used but I wanted to be clear it was the same letter.) ( Read more... )
minoanmissThe original title: My Brother-in-Law Thinks He Knows Why Women Won’t Date Him. He’s So Wrong. ( Read more... )
green_grrlmy male colleagues wait for me to set up all our meetings (even meetings I’m not in)
A reader writes:
A reader writes:
I am a senior manager at a nonprofit. I am also female. I do not have an assistant.
Increasingly I have noticed that my male colleagues at other organizations or divisions, equal to me in stature (and even people I consider close friends), are deferring to me to schedule meetings for them. Even if it is a meeting the male colleague requested, they will not take the initiative to set up the meeting.
Increasingly I have noticed that my male colleagues at other organizations or divisions, equal to me in stature (and even people I consider close friends), are deferring to me to schedule meetings for them. Even if it is a meeting the male colleague requested, they will not take the initiative to set up the meeting.
( Read more... )
Dear Prudence: I cannot even.
Aug. 18th, 2022 05:38 pmminoanmiss(Not the original title. Contents include: busy wife and jealous husband. also small children. Yes, you've seen this before.)
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( Read more... )
minoanmisscontents include coercion, sex work, misuse of sociopolitics, and a LW I wish I could bail out. ( Read more... )
minoanmiss[slightly misleading title -- LW has also gotten comments on, for instance, the fit of her jeans]
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(no subject)
Jan. 2nd, 2021 12:09 pmconulyDear Annie: My son has been dating a girl for a little over three years. My husband and I really like her. Our son loves her. Here's the problem: I have asked her before to help in the kitchen with meal preparation and cleanup, and she refuses.
They come once a week for meals, and we eat in front of the TV while watching shows. Everyone brings their dishes to the kitchen, but I'm left with the cleanup. Once, when I asked her for help, she said that she is company and wouldn't expect me to help at her house. They were here for Thanksgiving, and my mom asked her to join us at the table and visit, but she declined, saying she was OK where she was. My mom was hurt and upset.
I'm planning a big Christmas dinner and want the girls to help with cleanup and to sit and visit after the meal. How can I get her to get involved in the kitchen work, both before and after, and to put her phone away and sit and visit with us? -- Disappointed
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They come once a week for meals, and we eat in front of the TV while watching shows. Everyone brings their dishes to the kitchen, but I'm left with the cleanup. Once, when I asked her for help, she said that she is company and wouldn't expect me to help at her house. They were here for Thanksgiving, and my mom asked her to join us at the table and visit, but she declined, saying she was OK where she was. My mom was hurt and upset.
I'm planning a big Christmas dinner and want the girls to help with cleanup and to sit and visit after the meal. How can I get her to get involved in the kitchen work, both before and after, and to put her phone away and sit and visit with us? -- Disappointed
( Read more... )
minoanmissThe juxtaposition of these two letters really struck me. Warning: both are infuriating. ( Read more... )
minoanmissA reader writes:
I’m in a senior position for a large public organization, and deal with correspondence and sensitive HR issues. Today our office received an email from a throwaway/burner address about a young, relatively junior female member of staff. It contained screenshots of her on an app that allows you to make money by livestreaming (I’m old and didn’t know what the app was, but have Googled it and it seems pretty popular as a dating app). The screenshots are racy but not obscene (e.g., bending over in short shorts), and from my perspective perfectly within what you’d expect on a dating app. The email said she mentioned our organization by name, and complained that we didn’t pay enough so she was soliciting donations. It also alluded to nude photos. ( Read more... )
I’m in a senior position for a large public organization, and deal with correspondence and sensitive HR issues. Today our office received an email from a throwaway/burner address about a young, relatively junior female member of staff. It contained screenshots of her on an app that allows you to make money by livestreaming (I’m old and didn’t know what the app was, but have Googled it and it seems pretty popular as a dating app). The screenshots are racy but not obscene (e.g., bending over in short shorts), and from my perspective perfectly within what you’d expect on a dating app. The email said she mentioned our organization by name, and complained that we didn’t pay enough so she was soliciting donations. It also alluded to nude photos. ( Read more... )
minoanmissAdministrative Professionals Day is coming up on Wednesday and I am already dreading it. I am not an administrative professional but I work in the construction industry. In our company, women make up 20% of the office staff. All but four are considered administrative support. ( Read more... )
conulyHe has grades and test scores that I think should qualify him for the Ivy League—but he’s also white and upper-middle-class.
( Well, this should be fun )
( Well, this should be fun )
minoanmiss[Sorry for posting from AAM a lot, but I'm there almost every day as I continue working on my job-hunt.]
A Reader Writes: (#2 at the link)
My hair is naturally thick, curly, and voluminous. I do my best to keep it in neat spirals, but every once in awhile it gets a mind of its own and starts to frizz. When this happens, I pull it back into a ponytail (even though that makes it look like I have a bush growing out of my head). I used to straighten it when I was in college, but it was very damaging and took many hours a week to maintain, so I’ve learned to live with the curls.
I am a receptionist at a university in a wealthy and conservative area. On a recent humid day, my hair began to frizz mid-day. Before I got the chance to grab a ponytail holder from my bag, I interacted with a parent who told me my hair looked unprofessional and I later found out complained to my boss about it. My boss told me this wasn’t the first time he’s gotten a complaint about my hair and asked me to do something to make it look more “normal.” I’m stumped on what to do. I don’t want to spend a ton of time or money straightening it. Updos aren’t a great option because my hair tends to be too thick for pins or clips to hold for extended periods of time. Are daily ponytails my best bet? I would love to hear if you and your readers have guidelines on professional hair or experience with this. Also, in case readers are wondering, my hair texture is not indicative of any ethnicity or culture that might get my boss in hot water for his “normal” hair comment.
I am a pale white girl from the southern U.S.
People are complaining to your boss about your hair? And a parent even complained to your face about it? Unless your hair is a crazed rat’s nest, this is ridiculous.
You have voluminous hair. That’s how your hair is. As long as you’re keeping it reasonably well groomed, a little bit of frizz is not offensive or unprofessional. You certainly don’t need to straighten it!
The one thing I’ll note is that you didn’t say how long your hair is. It’s true that long hair — whether curly or straight — sometimes does look more professionally polished when it’s pulled back, and ponytails are a good option for that. If you’re working around people who are the type of complain about other people’s hair (and apparently you are) and you feel like you need to mollify them, ponytails might be your answer.
But truly, if your boss makes any more comments about “normal” hair, it’s reasonable to point out that this is your normal hair.
A Reader Writes: (#2 at the link)
My hair is naturally thick, curly, and voluminous. I do my best to keep it in neat spirals, but every once in awhile it gets a mind of its own and starts to frizz. When this happens, I pull it back into a ponytail (even though that makes it look like I have a bush growing out of my head). I used to straighten it when I was in college, but it was very damaging and took many hours a week to maintain, so I’ve learned to live with the curls.
I am a receptionist at a university in a wealthy and conservative area. On a recent humid day, my hair began to frizz mid-day. Before I got the chance to grab a ponytail holder from my bag, I interacted with a parent who told me my hair looked unprofessional and I later found out complained to my boss about it. My boss told me this wasn’t the first time he’s gotten a complaint about my hair and asked me to do something to make it look more “normal.” I’m stumped on what to do. I don’t want to spend a ton of time or money straightening it. Updos aren’t a great option because my hair tends to be too thick for pins or clips to hold for extended periods of time. Are daily ponytails my best bet? I would love to hear if you and your readers have guidelines on professional hair or experience with this. Also, in case readers are wondering, my hair texture is not indicative of any ethnicity or culture that might get my boss in hot water for his “normal” hair comment.
I am a pale white girl from the southern U.S.
People are complaining to your boss about your hair? And a parent even complained to your face about it? Unless your hair is a crazed rat’s nest, this is ridiculous.
You have voluminous hair. That’s how your hair is. As long as you’re keeping it reasonably well groomed, a little bit of frizz is not offensive or unprofessional. You certainly don’t need to straighten it!
The one thing I’ll note is that you didn’t say how long your hair is. It’s true that long hair — whether curly or straight — sometimes does look more professionally polished when it’s pulled back, and ponytails are a good option for that. If you’re working around people who are the type of complain about other people’s hair (and apparently you are) and you feel like you need to mollify them, ponytails might be your answer.
But truly, if your boss makes any more comments about “normal” hair, it’s reasonable to point out that this is your normal hair.
