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Dear Harriette: "Daughter Must Become Aware"
DEAR HARRIETTE: My teenage daughter and her best friend often spend time together after school. I got word from a friend that he saw them walking in a busy commercial neighborhood, and he was worried about them.
He said they looked innocent, but he was sure young men would be interested in them because they looked provocative, even though he said they weren’t necessarily dressed in a sexy way. He said, as a guy, he knows how guys can look at innocent girls like that. He told me he didn’t speak to them and might not have told me, but since I ran into him he thought I should know.
How can I handle this situation? I know my daughter has to grow up, and I am figuring out how to protect her and to let her have some independence. -- In the Balance, Manhattan, New York
DEAR IN THE BALANCE: Your job is to constantly teach your daughter how to protect herself as she is growing up. She should always be mindful of her surroundings, and -- as she is doing -- it is best to travel at least in pairs.
For your friend, ask him to speak to her whenever he sees her so she knows someone who cares about her is looking out for her. Ask him to tell you whenever he sees her. Then when you tell her she will realize, as the old folks used to say, you do have eyes in the back of your head. We need a village to help protect and raise our children to keep them safe.
He said they looked innocent, but he was sure young men would be interested in them because they looked provocative, even though he said they weren’t necessarily dressed in a sexy way. He said, as a guy, he knows how guys can look at innocent girls like that. He told me he didn’t speak to them and might not have told me, but since I ran into him he thought I should know.
How can I handle this situation? I know my daughter has to grow up, and I am figuring out how to protect her and to let her have some independence. -- In the Balance, Manhattan, New York
DEAR IN THE BALANCE: Your job is to constantly teach your daughter how to protect herself as she is growing up. She should always be mindful of her surroundings, and -- as she is doing -- it is best to travel at least in pairs.
For your friend, ask him to speak to her whenever he sees her so she knows someone who cares about her is looking out for her. Ask him to tell you whenever he sees her. Then when you tell her she will realize, as the old folks used to say, you do have eyes in the back of your head. We need a village to help protect and raise our children to keep them safe.
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"He said they weren’t necessarily dressed in a sexy way" - so what is the issue?
I think the parent should have told creepy man "if adult men find my teenage daughter and her friends sexually attractive, the fault is with the adult men, not my teenager daughter and her friends."
And asking creepy-man to keep an eye out and report back? NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE.
a) I would not be at all surprised if creepy man is a predator;
b) you should not be trying to make your teenage daughter(s) and her friend(s) feel even MORE unsafe and self-conscious and paranoid as they navigate around in the world.
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Of course, if he has to even have that conversation with dad, that's telling me something. I know a number of kids, ranging in age from under 10 to, well, they grew up and ain't kids anymore. I know them, and I know their parents, and if I happened to see one of them around town, I'd already have enough of a relationship with them to know whether saying hi would be welcome. And more to the point, they would have an idea of what I was about, and have a number of resources to call on if they thought I was sketchy.
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And WTF is "it's best to travel at least in pairs" about?
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Classic blame-the-victim rape culture.
How are teenage girls supposed to get to
school
extra-curricular activities
shops
sports
without ever being alone?
Like, girl A has to walk alone to girl B's house to pick her up,
or girl C walks girl D home, and then has to walk home alone herself...
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There's a point where expressing concern becomes concern trolling. From my perspective, LW's friend has passed that point. It's one thing to express concern to a parent when the child is actually doing something dangerous. It's another thing to create a problem where there was minimal danger in the first place.
Sexual assault is a serious matter, and this friend has used the implication of it as an excuse to make a girl's life more difficult. It looks like Harriet fell for it hook, line, and sinker.
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Your daughter is likely to be sexually harassed or assaulted at some point in her life. It's important that she knows you support her and that it's not her fault. She needs to know how to protect herself, to the extent that it's possible and reasonable--but living life normally has risks, and she's not expected to sequester herself, and you will never judge her if something does happen. It's a delicate line to balance.
Apparently, though, this dude thinks that simply being young and female in public is "provocative" and that they need to be talked to about... how not to be young and female in public? What on earth does Harriette think these girls need to be told about their completely normal behavior?
Also, what a fucking creep. Who the fuck talks about "how guys look at innocent girls like that"? Who thinks that teenaged girls dressed normally are "provocative"? Harriette is missing some HUGE FUCKING WARNING BELLS. Even if this guy poses no physical danger to the girls, he poses an emotional one for having such toxic, gross attitudes towards them. "Friends" with those attitudes can do a lot more harm than a creep on the street.
The response is so weird and clueless that I half wonder if it was written by the creepy friend.
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(I may have more comments after I read the other comments, but this is one where the answer is so emphatically, horrifically wrong that I can't even.)
There, I fixed that for you.
Your daughter is growing up! She will become a sexual being! (Probably - we can get into asexual identities later if you have a moment.) People will, gasp, see her in a sexual way sometimes, and she will, GASP, want to be seen in a sexual way sometimes. If you've done your work right, you've given her the self awareness to understand this, the tools to navigate the waters of attraction and consent, and the strength to hold her boundaries when they're tested. It'll be her world soon, and you best give her the freedom to live in it. And yes, there are shitty people out there that might try to blast through all the teaching and care and hurt her (your friend sounds like he has dangerous tendencies that way). Let her know that such people exist, and help her learn to identify them before they can get too close. Teach her that she doesn't need a protector hovering over her, and that she has her own eyes to see what's around her.
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Also, does Harriette ever give good advice ever?
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