Agony Aunt

Hello, Carolyn: My kids have been asking for a dog for several years, and we finally got a family puppy. We love this dog more than we ever expected!

Unfortunately, we live about 600 miles from my parents, who want nothing to do with dogs. They do, however, want to spend time with us and often complain that we don't visit enough. They don't want to house our dog, which I understand, but we can't afford a hotel room or a kennel for all the trips they want us to make.

We can't seem to come to an agreement. I say they shouldn't try to guilt us for having a life outside of them. They feel we should have never gotten a dog knowing they live so far away and can't stand dogs. What do you think?

— A Dog Convert

A Dog Convert: I think what’s truly unfortunate is that your parents think your household is about them. Wow.

It’s also unfortunate they somehow have you thinking theirs is a normal set of expectations that, to some degree, you’re obliged to find ways to address.

There is no “agreement” here to “come to,” because your parents don’t have any say in how you run your own household. None. Zero.

They also don’t have any say in how often you travel to see them, except to let you know whether and for how long you are welcome. And to limit guests to human-only, which is totally their prerogative.

If they really do want to see you, and if they’re unwilling or unable to do the bulk of the traveling themselves, then they have incentives available to them that aren’t attempts to micromanage you. They could offer you kennel money, for example, or to pay for a hotel for visits both ways. They could just trust you to do your best to come see them. They could be such pleasant company that you stretch yourselves financially to travel whenever you can.

Apparently, instead, they skipped the first page in the Unwritten Manual of Hospitality, which notes in 72-point type that if you want to see people, then don’t complain about them, to them, with any frequency that can be described as “often.”

Seriously, parents. This is not a Zodiac cipher.

My advice to you is as follows:

1. Stop arguing with people about things that aren’t their business. Any and all people, but start with your parents.

2. Actually that’s it. See No. 1.

But there are a few other things to consider that can make it all easier. First, develop a canine network of care. People you meet through your dog who love dogs can be an excellent resource when you want to travel. You dog-sit theirs, they dog-sit yours, opportunities multiply like bald spots in your backyard.

Second, if this is but the tip of the guiltberg, then please run your family dynamic by a good therapist. Boundaries work.

Third, scritch that puppy. Except for the face they give you when they want a walk, they don’t do guilt. No wonder you’re a convert.

Fourth — and pardon the layman’s overreach — introduce yourself to Merrill Markoe: merrillmarkoe.com/enough-about-you-my-explanation-of-narcissism. “It’s not enough for a narcissist to be the center of his own world, he must also be the center of yours.” Good dog. [Woof.]

Dear Prudence,
My mother is retired and found a purpose in fostering rescue dogs. Unfortunately, my fiancée and her young daughter are both profoundly allergic. My mother gets offended because she can’t bring her “puppers” over to visit me and we will not come over and stay with her. Last Christmas we had to drive 200 miles to stay in an uncomfortable motel room and go out to an expensive restaurant so we could see her. My mother complains she doesn’t see me and calls my fiancée a “dog hater.” This is fraying my relationship with my mother. She is irrational about these dogs: They are pets, not people, and certainly not as important as her soon-to-be grandchild! My mother refuses to get a dog-sitter and thinks my fiancée and her daughter should just take some allergy pills. This situation is only going to get worse when I marry my wife and adopt this little girl. How do I get through to her?
—Canine Complications

The good news, at least, is that you have been able to keep your fiancée and stepdaughter safe by keeping the dogs out of your home—you’re doing well so far. “Mom, I know these rescue dogs mean a lot to you, and I’m happy for you and proud of the work you’ve done to help them. My fiancée and her daughter don’t have the kind of allergies that can be treated by over-the-counter pills. It’s not safe for them to spend time around dogs. It has nothing to do with their feelings for dogs, and it’s not something they have any control over. I’m not asking you to like this situation, but it’s not ever going to be possible for them to spend time in the same house as the dogs, so I hope you can find a way to reconcile yourself to it. I would hate for you to miss out on time with your new granddaughter. What I need from you is to stop trying to make them feel guilty for having severe allergies and suggest they just get over it or take pills that don’t work. They’re not physically capable of compromising on this issue, so whenever you revisit the topic, it’s unproductive and unkind. I don’t think that’s how you want to treat them, so I’m asking you to stop. I hope you do.”