agonyaunt | Dear Abby: Pet v. Boyfriend

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Dear Abby: Pet v. Boyfriend

DEAR ABBY: I have been dating "Chris" for almost five years. He's my high school sweetheart. We still live with our parents, but we feel we're ready to move out and start our lives together.

The issue is I have a cat ("Silky") and a dog named "Chips"; Chris can't stand them. He has said he doesn't want Silky to live in our home and he would make her an outdoor cat. He also doesn't want Chips to come with us because Chips can be whiny and vocal.

I feel it's my responsibility to take my pets with me when I move out. I don't want to abandon them and leave them with my parents, and I absolutely refuse to put them up for adoption. I feel if I decide to bring them with me, Chris will make them feel miserable. Silky is afraid of him, and Chris doesn't like Chips getting close to him.

I love my boyfriend, but I love my pets, too. Please tell me what to do! -- STUCK IN THE MIDDLE IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR STUCK: Wake up! You are an animal lover; your boyfriend clearly has an antipathy toward them. Your cat is afraid of Chris because she knows he doesn't like her or he did something that scared her. If he makes Silky become an outdoor cat (or she gets loose "by accident"), she may be at serious risk. And your dog will be miserable on the receiving end of constant rejection.

It is very important that you learn to live independently. Because Chris is your high school sweetheart and you haven't dated many others, it's important that you take some time and date other people before deciding to move in with anyone. You and Chris may care about each other, but your compatibility is in question because, face it, you two have differences.

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I got my very first all-mine kitty three weeks before I met the person I am now married to. When it was clear that things between he and I were serious, my older brother (who is very allergic to cats, and who very much resents that my mother has them*) asked me what I would have done if said person had been allergic to cats. I think - no, I know - it was some kind of test, although I don't if he was hoping I'd pass (say I'd get rid of the cats) or fail (prove his point about choosing animals over people). I don't think I did either. I responded that I didn't think we would have started dating. I mean, if he couldn't ever be at my place, about half of our dates, and a lot of our other interaction (he joined an RPG I was running) would never have happened. It certainly wouldn't have occurred to me to get rid of the kitty I had wanted so long on the off-chance I might date this guy.**

I know this is not the same thing as the letter-writer's situation, and I know that many a pet-lover has chosen a person over having animals (whether because the person is allergic or just doesn't like them). But "Stuck" needs to decide if this relationship is worth never having pets again, because this isn't just about now. Also, she has to look at what "Chris's" behavior says about him. I'm actually not that fond of dogs, but I have lived with them, and managed to be at least moderately affectionate. That said, she has to think about what is fair to Chris, too. If the pets are there, he will be unhappy in his own home, which is not a situation anyone should live in. If they're not, will she resent him? How much?

I dunno. It's not quite the deal-breaker a disagreement over having kids is, but it can be a big one. I have some other biases here, though, so I'd love to see other people's thoughts.

*That I do, too, although even he realizes that since he never comes to visit me, it's a moot point.
**It turned out he loved them as much as I did. I realized I was in love with him when he told my kitty he would miss her while she and I were at my mother's for Christmas. I just added that so you could say, "awww."

The "he would make her an outdoor cat" sets off alarms for me, because he's making a unilateral decision about HER pet and making it clear she would not get a vote. This letter makes me think control issues in general, of which the pets are a symptom.

"Silky is afraid of him, and Chris doesn't like Chips getting close to him."

In bold because that is a great big red flag.

Her pets are scared of this man? Both her pets, not just one who might be timid generally or a one-person dog? Pets aren't magical, psychic judges of character, but they don't tend to randomly dislike people for no reason.

And he's stated he dislikes the animals and would make unilateral decisions about their care if they move in together? And she believes he would make her pets "miserable", her word? Not just "wouldn't help out with them" or "wouldn't interact with them" but "would make them miserable"?

[Having written all this, I just reread and realised it's the boyfriend who doesn't like the dog getting near him, not vice versa. I still think it's worrying that the cat's scared of him, though.]

I am likewise worried that the cat is scared of him.

I think some people are 'pet people' and some are not. I am not and I would be quite unhappy with someone who was really keen to have pets.

I kind of don't think the 'outdoor cat' thing is necessarily a huge red flag, I'm not sure we have enough info. It's possible that the conversation went along the lines of, "I really don't want to have pets" "But I love Silky" "Well, I guess if we made her an outdoor cat so she wasn't around all the time". I.e. it was a compromise that he offered.

I don't think it's so unreasonable not to want to have animals around the house because I don't! I would probably be ok with a compromise - like a cat that was primarily an outdoor cat or a small animal that was inside a hutch/cage - but not a whiny and vocal dog and cat.

I also kind of wonder whether the boyfriend properly understood that they were her pets, rather than her family's?

In short, I don't think it's so unreasonable of someone who hates pets not to want them in their home. However, that may mean that they don't get to have serious relationships with pet owners.

Oh, yeah. I realize my response was biased in favor of the pet owner, but I don't think someone who truly despises being around animals should have to live with them. I think that one of the things any person should ask when a sort of binary question (do we or don't we?) comes up is, "If I get my way, how unhappy will the other person be?," and not only, "is that fair to them?", but also, "do I want to live with someone who is that unhappy?" Home should be as much of a refuge for everyone who lives there as it can be, and when it's not for one person, it's usually not for anyone.

I agree with all of that. However, I think it can genuinely be hard for both 'sides' in the pet/non-pet type of discussion to understand the other. I truly don't think pet people understand the extent to which some people really don't like being around animals. I would be relatively ok with an independent outdoor cat but a noisy attention-seeking dog would basically lead to me avoiding being at home because I would hate it that much.

Conversely, I will freely admit that I really don't get it when pet-owners talk about how much they love their pets. I have never had strong feelings for any animal and I can't imagine doing so. Rationally, I get that people are very attached to their pets so I try to be sympathetic when someone is - for instance - upset when their pet has died but, on an emotional level, I don't get it at all.

I don't think it's unreasonable not to want animals.

I think it's unreasonable to expect an animal owner, who has taken responsibility for the well-being of animals, to get rid of them for you, or even open them up to considerable danger (as making the cat an outdoor cat would do) because of your discomfort. They're living creatures, not furniture. And HIM making decisions about HER animals is a red flag to me: they're hers, they're her responsibility and under her authority, not his: he doesn't get to make that call, she does.

If he is not up to dealing with her pets, he should date someone else - she DEFINITELY shouldn't live with him.

I think it's less clear-cut than that:

a) I suspect that her parents might well be willing to keep the pets, which wouldn't really be her 'getting rid of them', it'd be them staying in their current home with people they are used to.

b) Because I live in the UK, I don't think outdoor cats are in considerable danger - the vast majority of cat owners in the UK let their cats outside. I realise that is cultural.

c) It's not clear to me that he is 'making decisions' for her pets. I don't think we have the info for that - I think it's quite possible that what she means is that he has said that he would only be happy with the cat, if the cat were an outdoor cat, not that he would agree to having an indoor cat and then let it out without her say-so.

d) I think it's perfectly ok for him to let her decide how important her pets are to her, rather than making that call for her by dumping her because she has pets. She may decide that she prefers him to her pets, which is her call to make.

A lot of this is subjective - as someone who doesn't like pets, I instinctively take the boyfriend's side, to be honest.

b) Because I live in the UK, I don't think outdoor cats are in considerable danger - the vast majority of cat owners in the UK let their cats outside. I realise that is cultural.

It's not entirely cultural, it's also geographic. For example, there is no chance that an outdoor cat in the UK will be eaten by a coyote. That doesn't mean that Americans in areas with coyotes have a "cultural belief" that their cats could be eaten by coyotes, just that there are coyotes there.

I think that he's well within his rights to say that living with pets, especially these pets, is not something that he can do -- but the way it comes across in the letter is really sort of chilling to me. Nowhere in there is a hint that he might be thinking "well, if her pets are really that important to her, I might not be able to live with her" -- neither of them seems to be thinking that maybe there's a fundamental incompatibility, and as much as he would be miserable living with the pets, she would be miserable living without them. But it really doesn't sound like he's considering the idea that they might have to not live together or break up.

[transcript: tweet saying "new boyfriend is allergic to kitten so can't keep him. :( He's ginger & named Tom. Friendly. Comes when called. 28yrs-old & works in IT"]

When I adopted my cat I took life-and-death responsibility for her and her well-being, if which her emotional bond to me is also a huge part.

Any boyfriend or girlfriend who doesn't understand that has values so divergent from mine we're clearly actually incompatible anyway and also clearly doesn't actually love me that much, so to hell with that. My cat was here first. (After she's gone I might resign myself to no further pets, for the right person. But she was here first.)

/strong moral feelings on subject.

Edited 2014-09-05 15:40 (UTC)

*nods* I'll admit, one of my great fears is that the small fanperson will be allergic to cats, because that is one of the only circumstances under which I would rehome my cats. I thought I was mildly allergic, but it turns out I'm not, so the odds are in our favor, but still, it would be very hard. But the idea of giving them up for a relationship that might never go anywhere is just bizarre to me, as is the idea of pursuing a relationship with someone who can't be in my home, or who I have to lint-roll myself off to be around.

Yeah, my child turning out to have problematic allergies would be the one time, as my babies would be the one thing that would trump my responsibility to the animal(s) I would have adopted.

Otherwise, for serious, anyone worth being involved with is going to understand why the cat is going nowhere, even if xe doesn't like animals.

That is an excellent tweet.

And I agree with everything you said here.

I wish someone had told me that I shouldn't rehome my cat to move in with a new allergic-to-cats BF until I'd dated the BF at least as long as I'd been with the cat.

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Dear Abby: Pet v. Boyfriend

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