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agonyaunt2025-05-07 02:58 pm
minoanmiss) wrote in agonyaunt2025-05-07 02:58 pm
Entry tags:
Dear Prudence: My Fiancé Cut Off His Entire Family. Uh, Red Flag?
content advisory: child abuse, arrant idiocy
Q. Red Flag or Reasonable?: I’m a woman who recently got engaged to my boyfriend of four years, “Mark.” In most areas of life, Mark is a kind, forgiving, considerate, and warm person. The exception is with regard to his blood relations. He is estranged from his family, and whenever he talks about them (rarely), it is with genuine hatred and contempt that I find disconcerting.
For context, his dad was an abusive alcoholic who put Mark in the hospital twice before he left home at 17. His dad hit his mom regularly but never laid a hand on Mark’s sister, who was openly his favorite child. His grandparents apparently knew about it but did not interfere beyond letting Mark stay with them sometimes. Mark cut off contact when he moved and in recent years, has ignored social media messages from his mom and sister begging to reconnect. He showed me the messages in the context of commenting, “Can you believe these people?” He seemed frustrated when I found the messages heart-breaking—both women seem to miss him terribly, though I admit it is bad that his mom is still married to his dad (who she claims is sober now).
I am from an incredibly loving, close-knit family who all love Mark. With news of the wedding, there have been questions about who we’re inviting, and people have asked about Mark’s family. His response is always brisk: “I don’t speak to any of them” and he changes the subject when pressed (only my parents know his history). I’ve tentatively raised the possibility of responding to his mom and sister, or getting in touch with his grandparents—he doesn’t even know if they’re still alive! I’ve told him that while I fully understand cutting off his dad, it seems incredibly harsh to not even give his mom and sister a chance to reconnect—his mom was a victim too, and his sister was only 14 when he left. A lot might have changed! His response is always the same: “I cannot speak to them, and my therapist doesn’t think it would be good for me. There are things you can’t get over.” I find this really troubling, honestly. My parents recently asked if he was sure about not reaching out to any family at all, and were shocked when he bluntly said that “for all intents and purposes” his family is dead to him. Should I consider it a red flag that he can so brutally cut off his entire family like this? I find it hard to imagine cutting off the people who raised me, whatever they did to me. Am I wrong to be so troubled by this? What more should I say to him, either way?
A: You’re not wrong to be troubled but you would be very, very, very wrong to go into a marriage hoping to convince someone to make changes to the way he’s dealing with his abusive childhood. This is a big deal. If you can make peace with Mark’s stance—or at least do a really good job of pretending to—you can go ahead and get married. But if you’re going to continue to be bothered that he isn’t handling things the way you would and fantasize about pressuring him to change his mind, well, that’s the kind of stuff divorces are made of.
Q. Red Flag or Reasonable?: I’m a woman who recently got engaged to my boyfriend of four years, “Mark.” In most areas of life, Mark is a kind, forgiving, considerate, and warm person. The exception is with regard to his blood relations. He is estranged from his family, and whenever he talks about them (rarely), it is with genuine hatred and contempt that I find disconcerting.
For context, his dad was an abusive alcoholic who put Mark in the hospital twice before he left home at 17. His dad hit his mom regularly but never laid a hand on Mark’s sister, who was openly his favorite child. His grandparents apparently knew about it but did not interfere beyond letting Mark stay with them sometimes. Mark cut off contact when he moved and in recent years, has ignored social media messages from his mom and sister begging to reconnect. He showed me the messages in the context of commenting, “Can you believe these people?” He seemed frustrated when I found the messages heart-breaking—both women seem to miss him terribly, though I admit it is bad that his mom is still married to his dad (who she claims is sober now).
I am from an incredibly loving, close-knit family who all love Mark. With news of the wedding, there have been questions about who we’re inviting, and people have asked about Mark’s family. His response is always brisk: “I don’t speak to any of them” and he changes the subject when pressed (only my parents know his history). I’ve tentatively raised the possibility of responding to his mom and sister, or getting in touch with his grandparents—he doesn’t even know if they’re still alive! I’ve told him that while I fully understand cutting off his dad, it seems incredibly harsh to not even give his mom and sister a chance to reconnect—his mom was a victim too, and his sister was only 14 when he left. A lot might have changed! His response is always the same: “I cannot speak to them, and my therapist doesn’t think it would be good for me. There are things you can’t get over.” I find this really troubling, honestly. My parents recently asked if he was sure about not reaching out to any family at all, and were shocked when he bluntly said that “for all intents and purposes” his family is dead to him. Should I consider it a red flag that he can so brutally cut off his entire family like this? I find it hard to imagine cutting off the people who raised me, whatever they did to me. Am I wrong to be so troubled by this? What more should I say to him, either way?
A: You’re not wrong to be troubled but you would be very, very, very wrong to go into a marriage hoping to convince someone to make changes to the way he’s dealing with his abusive childhood. This is a big deal. If you can make peace with Mark’s stance—or at least do a really good job of pretending to—you can go ahead and get married. But if you’re going to continue to be bothered that he isn’t handling things the way you would and fantasize about pressuring him to change his mind, well, that’s the kind of stuff divorces are made of.
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WTAF
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That Bad Advice
Then apologize to him for wasting four years of his life and give him the ring back and let him find someone who might have some goddamn empathy for the deep emotional and possible physical scars he carries.
.... I might have opinions about this one.
Re: That Bad Advice
Re: That Bad Advice
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But. Like. I mean... he was abused? Badly? And his mom and grandparents let it happen? I can get why he's not willing to forgive any of them, including the one who is at least technically blameless. He's under no obligation to be reasonable about this!
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Well, lady, I'm glad you haven't had to deal with such experiences, but no, in fact, you should not consider it a red flag, because it's *totally reasonable* not to want to a) talk to you abuser, or b) the people who stuck with him *despite* his abuse.
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I'm not sure if Prudence is trying to say, "Yes, this is all very upsetting, but you need to be able to deal with it if you're going to marry this person." Or if she's validating LW's position.
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And I worry about LW being an enabler themselves. What if one of their children is beaten by a cousin, would LW force their child to continue to see their abuser? How distant does the relationship have to be before "family first" allows for protecting your kid?
LW seems to be one of those people who wants everyone to get along more than they want everyone to be safe. They're disturbed that their fiance isn't willing to smooth things over. Is that a red flag? Yes, but on LW's side.
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Yeah, LW's attitude screams that if anyone were abused in their family (and there may already be victims! she would certainly be at pains not to know!) she would unhesitatingly sacrifice them to her image of having an "incredibly loving, close-knit family." Family Harmony is WAY more important than the suffering of any individual family member.
Mark should run screaming (and under no circumstances should raise kids with this woman).
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Ooh, that hadn't occurred to me :/ But yeah. I mean, this is SUCH an extreme case (in the hospital twice!) and LW is so incredibly judgemental - saying that Mark's cut them off "so brutally". It's bizarre to me especially when I and various friends have been in the situation of wishing our partners/friends with abusive families WOULD cut them off brutally! I totally respect it when people don't wanna do that, or can't - it's hard! - but I'd be so grateful my fiance wasn't in contact with people who'd mistreated him like that.
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I find it hard to imagine cutting off the people who raised me... But I was raised by good, loving, kind people.
Other people were not raised by my parents, my community.
Dear LW, I think that Mark's boundaries and his willingness to enforce them is a sign of an excellent person, and one who is dedicated to his own healing. He is not you. His scars are not yours. Leave him in peace and don't pester him about his family anymore. Some things are, indeed, unforgivable.
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*I* find it difficult to imagine cutting my family out of my life, but I have the imagination and empathy to realise that that's because my family, while difficult sometimes and far from perfect, is basically loving and not abusive, you know?
I think the letter writer needs to have a Big Think and either find it in herself to trust Mark about this, or accept that someone being estranged from their family is a deal breaker for her and that's *about her*, not something she can 'fix' about Mark.
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If someone says they don't talk to their parents, my first thought is "how bad WAS it". Yes there are situations where the cutter-offer is in the wrong, but someone who has /actual evidence of abuse/, I'm going to believe they know their own situation best.
And the reinforce your last point: If LW wants to only marry someone with a nice close family, that's fine, but the way to do that is to date someone close to their family, not shove Mark into his abusers' arms.
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I'm married to someone whose abusive father I never met. As far as we know, said father never found out that his only child was married, nor knew what state we lived in, nor knew of the existence of his grandchildren. This has never troubled me one bit. I'm pretty sure that if I had ever once suggested to my spouse that he get back in touch with his father, I would not now be married to him.
Leave people who leave their abusive families THE FUCK ALONE. They made their choices and you can either respect it or join the ranks of their abusers.
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I'm going to put your final paragraph on a sticker or something.