We’re talking everything from furniture to Christmas cookies … that I wanted to eat!

My husband and I have been happily together for nearly 20 years; we have one son and lots of shared values. While we both tend towards minimalism, we disagree strongly on how to accomplish it. My husband is a tosser; I take a more measured approach. Here are some examples:

1) He throws perfectly usable items into the trash rather than donating them, mostly because of the time involved. For example, we recently bought our son a new bed frame. His old one was expensive and still usable, but all the donation centers in town were closed for the holidays. I was willing to take it when they opened, but he refused to wait and put it out on the curb.

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2) He throws things away before we are ready to do so. My coworker baked us holiday cookies, but we had them in the house less than 48 hours before hubby tossed them, claiming they weren’t being eaten. They were, just more slowly than he liked.

3) He’s not always gracious about it. My parents visited for Christmas, bringing gifts in boxes my mom had decorated by hand. She must have spent hours decoupaging these boxes, which were very pretty and could have been reused, if not by us, than by someone. But while they were still staying with us, he put them in the trash with the rest of the wrapping detritus. My mother noticed and was crushed, so I mumbled that it was a mistake and used them to store Christmas decorations when she took them down.

Am I out of line when asking my husband to dial back on the quick trashing of things? I’m by no means a hoarder, but I can tolerate a small amount of clutter for a short amount of time. He can’t, and I recognize that. But might there be room for compromise? How do I word this?

— Toss-Up Over Tossing

Leaving aside the environmental and social impact of landfilling things unnecessarily, it’s not okay for him to throw away stuff that is also your property—whether that’s furniture or baked goods—without your approval. That borders on stealing, and I worry about what such a habit says about his respect for you and your preferences. (Trashing your mother’s handmade giftboxes—a lovely effort I’m sure she made clear to everyone—while she was still there is honestly kind of monstrous!) It’s interesting (read: concerning) that it’s obvious to both of you that you operate differently, but he doesn’t appear to be at all concerned about whether his behavior is out of line.

But I guess it’s kind that you want to accommodate him and compromise; after all, it’s no fun to feel like you’re surrounded by junk. Can you come up with an area in the house, like a corner of the garage, a closet, or under a bed, where things can live when he is done with them but you aren’t? It’s reasonable to keep the clutter out of sight, but while you decide what to do with it, there are places it can go that aren’t the trash. And the very least he could do would be to have a conversation with you when he’s feeling the itch to purge something and let you figure out another option.