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Dear Prudence: Do I have dementia?
Q. Do I have dementia?: I am a semiretired professional in a high-tech field, and my services are in demand. I work from home. Other demands on my time are housekeeping (I only do as much as I want, because we have help and money) and babysitting—my husband and I have two lovely grandchildren. My problem is my husband, a former teacher who does not do any professional work (the kids and I try to keep him occupied with tasks like online shopping and house renovation; he does not seem too interested in other things). He hovers over me, watching over everything I do and frequently commenting on what I should do.
This makes me nervous. If I am on my own, such as on business trips, I cope. This makes the trips a real holiday for me. I am 64, and I do have some risk factors for dementia. I love my husband—we have been together since our teens. So I am wondering whether he thinks I need supervision, or whether he is bored or has some power issues. Currently, I am considering an appointment with a dementia specialist. Do you have any other ideas? For what it’s worth, when we had other issues, he refused counseling.
A: I think it’s always a good idea to check in with a doctor if you’re concerned about risk factors for a medical condition, but you don’t say you’ve started forgetting things or experiencing confusion. I wonder if you’re experiencing retired husband syndrome—now that he’s not working, he finds himself at loose ends and isn’t quite sure of what to do with himself, and he’s looking to you to entertain and occupy him.
Just because he hasn’t wanted to go to counseling in the past doesn’t mean you can’t speak up if something’s bothering you. Tell him you’ve noticed his recent hovering, and it’s made you anxious that he thinks you need supervision or might be developing signs of early onset dementia. If he says, “No, I just like spending time with you,” you can say, “Great! Watching me work and offering me advice is not fun for me, so let’s find some time after I’m finished to take a walk or talk or share a cup of tea.” You can set limits with him—but you do have to speak up and say something. You don’t have to let him be your constant shadow.
This makes me nervous. If I am on my own, such as on business trips, I cope. This makes the trips a real holiday for me. I am 64, and I do have some risk factors for dementia. I love my husband—we have been together since our teens. So I am wondering whether he thinks I need supervision, or whether he is bored or has some power issues. Currently, I am considering an appointment with a dementia specialist. Do you have any other ideas? For what it’s worth, when we had other issues, he refused counseling.
A: I think it’s always a good idea to check in with a doctor if you’re concerned about risk factors for a medical condition, but you don’t say you’ve started forgetting things or experiencing confusion. I wonder if you’re experiencing retired husband syndrome—now that he’s not working, he finds himself at loose ends and isn’t quite sure of what to do with himself, and he’s looking to you to entertain and occupy him.
Just because he hasn’t wanted to go to counseling in the past doesn’t mean you can’t speak up if something’s bothering you. Tell him you’ve noticed his recent hovering, and it’s made you anxious that he thinks you need supervision or might be developing signs of early onset dementia. If he says, “No, I just like spending time with you,” you can say, “Great! Watching me work and offering me advice is not fun for me, so let’s find some time after I’m finished to take a walk or talk or share a cup of tea.” You can set limits with him—but you do have to speak up and say something. You don’t have to let him be your constant shadow.