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Dear Carolyn: Several months ago, my wife informed me she wanted to hire a house cleaner, saying she was tired of the mess, tired of feeling overworked and tired of fighting with me about chore division. A week later, a maid arrived at our house. I find it incredibly stressful. I worry that the maids aren’t careful with our things, that they might peek at our private documents, and that all in all this is a ridiculous expense ($300 a month!) that could better go elsewhere, though my wife said this is what she wanted to spend her entire annual raise on. When the maids leave, I’m fried, but I admit that my wife does seem much happier. I still wish she could just relax and lower her standards a little, but … am I the one who has to get over this?
— Fried
Fried: Why don’t you just relax and lower your standards a little?
You're the one who's unhappy.
If you don't like that idea, then do the same job yourself that the cleaners do. Same schedule, producing the same results. Charge your wife $290.
If you don't like that idea, then work up a good argument for why it's better for your spouse to be mess-fatigued, overworked and fighting with you on an endless loop than for you to take a few minutes to secure the stuff you're nervous about.
I'll wait.
https://www.washingtonpost.com/lifestyle/2021/08/04/carolyn-hax-wife-housecleaner-frustrated-expense-relationship/
— Fried
Fried: Why don’t you just relax and lower your standards a little?
You're the one who's unhappy.
If you don't like that idea, then do the same job yourself that the cleaners do. Same schedule, producing the same results. Charge your wife $290.
If you don't like that idea, then work up a good argument for why it's better for your spouse to be mess-fatigued, overworked and fighting with you on an endless loop than for you to take a few minutes to secure the stuff you're nervous about.
I'll wait.
https://www.washingtonpost.com/lifestyle/2021/08/04/carolyn-hax-wife-housecleaner-frustrated-expense-relationship/
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My wife and I have two kids. I cook homemade meals every night, and my wife is forever doing laundry. We both work full-time jobs. We pick up around the house but do not have time to properly clean, so our cleaning service is a life saver.
LW feels fried when they're done? It sounds like he might be terrorizing both the cleaners and himself. Cleaners do not need constant watching. LW, for your peace of mind and that of the cleaners, please go elsewhere while the cleaners are working.
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I'm so happy for the wife to have help with the chores.
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So the issue here is with LW who clearly isn't pulling his weight. Maybe if he did some of the chores his wife wouldnt be feeling overworked and he'd be saving $300 a month.
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speaking as a person who is ridiculously stressed about housecleaners and can't bear to have them, the LW still needs to get over themselves.
here are things the LW can do:
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My first reaction to the LW was "so you'd rather have your wife suffer than you suffer?" but then I reminded myself that he did write in for advice. He could have just kept shouting his wife down.
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Locking file drawers.
Display cabinet (locked).
If there's a private office that his wife does not share, then that could be off-limits (and he could clean it himself).
A medications lockbox (which is a good idea for any medication that a child could be harmed by getting into, even though relatively few medications have any kind of street value).
A locking liquor cabinet.
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Someone needs to run a series of pieces in men's magazines or sports shows or whatever the hell will reach these dudes explaining that the housecleaners are always cheaper than divorce. $300 a month is very reasonable.
(This guy sounds like my younger brother, who has been steadily harping on about housecleaners stealing whenever getting a service has been brought up as a possibility for my mother, so that (1) there have been no housecleaners ever, and she hurt herself cleaning the shower and (2) she is convinced, thanks to him and talk radio, that housecleaners are untrustworthy, so that (3) he is now in the position of having to do a 180 and find and hire housecleaners for her. I gave him the name of an agency I found on the internet and told him that there is nothing "valuable" in that house to steal.)
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If you can't handle the idea of having a cleaner in your space, designate a room in the house as your personal space. The cleaner can't go there, and your wife doesn't have to go in there if she doesn't want to, and you are responsible for all housework in that room. You can even call it a "man cave" if you really must, but "private office" is much less cringey. Anything you're worried about the cleaner finding or breaking can go in there, and put a lock on the door. When the maid is there, you are either out of the house or in your room with the door locked.
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