agonyaunt | (no subject)

Dear Carolyn: Several months ago, my wife informed me she wanted to hire a house cleaner, saying she was tired of the mess, tired of feeling overworked and tired of fighting with me about chore division. A week later, a maid arrived at our house. I find it incredibly stressful. I worry that the maids aren’t careful with our things, that they might peek at our private documents, and that all in all this is a ridiculous expense ($300 a month!) that could better go elsewhere, though my wife said this is what she wanted to spend her entire annual raise on. When the maids leave, I’m fried, but I admit that my wife does seem much happier. I still wish she could just relax and lower her standards a little, but … am I the one who has to get over this?

— Fried

Fried: Why don’t you just relax and lower your standards a little?

You're the one who's unhappy.

If you don't like that idea, then do the same job yourself that the cleaners do. Same schedule, producing the same results. Charge your wife $290.

If you don't like that idea, then work up a good argument for why it's better for your spouse to be mess-fatigued, overworked and fighting with you on an endless loop than for you to take a few minutes to secure the stuff you're nervous about.

I'll wait.

https://www.washingtonpost.com/lifestyle/2021/08/04/carolyn-hax-wife-housecleaner-frustrated-expense-relationship/

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Oh good grief. The speed at which our maid service moves through the house means they glance at everything but don't actually pause to read it. If you ever have someone who does, it means they're more interested in your stuff than a professional house cleaner should be. If I had to actually spend 3-4 hours every other week deep-cleaning my house, I would be so stressed, my hair would never grow back. It's worth the money to know my house is clean - and to not have the argument with my husband about vacuuming, dusting, or cleaning. The LW needs to let go.

+1000

My wife and I have two kids. I cook homemade meals every night, and my wife is forever doing laundry. We both work full-time jobs. We pick up around the house but do not have time to properly clean, so our cleaning service is a life saver.

LW feels fried when they're done? It sounds like he might be terrorizing both the cleaners and himself. Cleaners do not need constant watching. LW, for your peace of mind and that of the cleaners, please go elsewhere while the cleaners are working.

Go to the office store and get a file cabinet with a lock on it if you're that worried about your papers. Heck, get a fire and flood proof safe. I think the maid has more important things to do than to read random papers, but they say peace of mind is priceless.

I'm so happy for the wife to have help with the chores.

"saying she was tired of the mess, tired of feeling overworked and tired of fighting with me about chore division."

So the issue here is with LW who clearly isn't pulling his weight. Maybe if he did some of the chores his wife wouldnt be feeling overworked and he'd be saving $300 a month.

Edited 2021-08-10 08:23 (UTC)

I would not be sane without housecleaners. I put a blanket or tablecloth over areas that can't be rearranged, signs on the doors of rooms to ignore, and that's that.

speaking as a person who is ridiculously stressed about housecleaners and can't bear to have them, the LW still needs to get over themselves.

here are things the LW can do:

get over it (possibly; it might not be that easy to get over)
what Carolyn suggests: do the cleaning, make a deal with the wife to make it feel balanced
make an arrangement with the wife to limit the stress, eg. "I'll be out of the house doing my own thing every time they come, and you'll guarantee that the meth and the Fabergé egg and the classified weapon plans are locked up in the safe while they're here, every time."

Yeah, I was looking for your perspective on this.

My first reaction to the LW was "so you'd rather have your wife suffer than you suffer?" but then I reminded myself that he did write in for advice. He could have just kept shouting his wife down.

Yeah I got that from it too. I feel like he wants PERMISSION to let his wife suffer. and I nope right out of that. Yes, it sounds like it makes him anxious.. then find ways to make it less anxious. a safe, a locked cabinet, etc. Hell putting everything he is afraid about in his car and driving off while there are there. But your wife is telling you she cannot do all the things and this is her compromise. You need to figure out your compromise as well.

This dude is not the first person in the world to be concerned about any given specific class of possession being insecure around people coming into the house for a well-defined task. There are solutions to MANY OF THE THINGS.

Locking file drawers.
Display cabinet (locked).
If there's a private office that his wife does not share, then that could be off-limits (and he could clean it himself).
A medications lockbox (which is a good idea for any medication that a child could be harmed by getting into, even though relatively few medications have any kind of street value).
A locking liquor cabinet.

It is never ending, the people who write to advice columns wanting someone to support their shitty behavior. Like, dude. Re-read your letter.

Watch out, LW, your wife might decide you're part of the mess that needs to go, because you sure sound like a hot fucking mess of a privileged ass.

this

She has to spend her entire annual raise on cleaning their home? Maybe she should look into getting her own place.

Someone needs to run a series of pieces in men's magazines or sports shows or whatever the hell will reach these dudes explaining that the housecleaners are always cheaper than divorce. $300 a month is very reasonable.

(This guy sounds like my younger brother, who has been steadily harping on about housecleaners stealing whenever getting a service has been brought up as a possibility for my mother, so that (1) there have been no housecleaners ever, and she hurt herself cleaning the shower and (2) she is convinced, thanks to him and talk radio, that housecleaners are untrustworthy, so that (3) he is now in the position of having to do a 180 and find and hire housecleaners for her. I gave him the name of an agency I found on the internet and told him that there is nothing "valuable" in that house to steal.)

I live alone and earlier this year I hired a cleaning service to come twice a month. It is worth every penny to come home to a clean flat and NOT have to convince my dysfunctional brain that yes we really do need to clean. If LW is willing to clean to the levels and frequency of the cleaners, then they should do so. If not, they need to shut the fuck up NOW.

LW, I am usually 100% sympathetic to people with spouses who have unreasonable standards of housework and refuse to compromise. But your wife has compromised! She's spending her own money on a cleaner!

If you can't handle the idea of having a cleaner in your space, designate a room in the house as your personal space. The cleaner can't go there, and your wife doesn't have to go in there if she doesn't want to, and you are responsible for all housework in that room. You can even call it a "man cave" if you really must, but "private office" is much less cringey. Anything you're worried about the cleaner finding or breaking can go in there, and put a lock on the door. When the maid is there, you are either out of the house or in your room with the door locked.

Just like to point out that vocalizing a fear that the hired help will steal your petty cash and peek at your records and steal your identity is pretty fucking classist with a side helping of racism. Yes, there are dishonest cleaners out there, but 99.99% of them are just trying to make a living and they know that if they stray across that honesty line, even one micrometer, they’re going to hear it from the lawyers and have their ass on the line while their rent checks go missing. If you’re so damned worried about them stealing from you, maybe just look for an agency that guarantees their workers a living wage, ask them if it’s time for them to raise their rates if they haven’t done so in a year or so, and maybe give them a holiday gift. Or, just clean the damned house yourself and wallow in your self pity and cultural loathing - I gather those are pretty hard to scrub out of the carpet, so you’ll have plenty of work ahead of you.