agonyaunt | (no subject)

Dear Carolyn: Several months ago, my wife informed me she wanted to hire a house cleaner, saying she was tired of the mess, tired of feeling overworked and tired of fighting with me about chore division. A week later, a maid arrived at our house. I find it incredibly stressful. I worry that the maids aren’t careful with our things, that they might peek at our private documents, and that all in all this is a ridiculous expense ($300 a month!) that could better go elsewhere, though my wife said this is what she wanted to spend her entire annual raise on. When the maids leave, I’m fried, but I admit that my wife does seem much happier. I still wish she could just relax and lower her standards a little, but … am I the one who has to get over this?

— Fried

Fried: Why don’t you just relax and lower your standards a little?

You're the one who's unhappy.

If you don't like that idea, then do the same job yourself that the cleaners do. Same schedule, producing the same results. Charge your wife $290.

If you don't like that idea, then work up a good argument for why it's better for your spouse to be mess-fatigued, overworked and fighting with you on an endless loop than for you to take a few minutes to secure the stuff you're nervous about.

I'll wait.

https://www.washingtonpost.com/lifestyle/2021/08/04/carolyn-hax-wife-housecleaner-frustrated-expense-relationship/

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Yeah, I was looking for your perspective on this.

My first reaction to the LW was "so you'd rather have your wife suffer than you suffer?" but then I reminded myself that he did write in for advice. He could have just kept shouting his wife down.

Yeah I got that from it too. I feel like he wants PERMISSION to let his wife suffer. and I nope right out of that. Yes, it sounds like it makes him anxious.. then find ways to make it less anxious. a safe, a locked cabinet, etc. Hell putting everything he is afraid about in his car and driving off while there are there. But your wife is telling you she cannot do all the things and this is her compromise. You need to figure out your compromise as well.

This dude is not the first person in the world to be concerned about any given specific class of possession being insecure around people coming into the house for a well-defined task. There are solutions to MANY OF THE THINGS.

Locking file drawers.
Display cabinet (locked).
If there's a private office that his wife does not share, then that could be off-limits (and he could clean it himself).
A medications lockbox (which is a good idea for any medication that a child could be harmed by getting into, even though relatively few medications have any kind of street value).
A locking liquor cabinet.

It is never ending, the people who write to advice columns wanting someone to support their shitty behavior. Like, dude. Re-read your letter.