agonyaunt | Mar. 25th, 2024

Mar. 25th, 2024

Dear Care and Feeding,

I’m a stepmom in a blended family. My husband has a 5-year-old son, “Corey,” from his first marriage, and together we have a 5-year-old daughter and a 3-year-old son. We used to have Corey on Sunday afternoons, but his mom took a new job when he started kindergarten and pushed for custody changes. Parenting two kids all week is exhausting, and now we have Corey Friday through Sunday every week too. Corey has a lot of trouble every time he switches over from his mom’s house to ours, and tattles that his stepsister “isn’t following the rules”—but it’s because his mom is a helicopter parent, while our house is about independence-building. He’s clingy and needs help with everything, and the weekend is miserable for everyone.

Corey’s aunt takes him after school four days a week, but not on Fridays. This means we have to arrange once-a-week afterschool care for him, which is expensive and inconvenient, and I usually end up having to be the one who leaves work early for pickup because that care ends at 4:45 p.m. I’m exhausted by this and the full weekend of managing our two kids plus Corey that comes afterward, including driving him to activities, like soccer games, that his mom is happy to sign him up for and then leave to us to deal with. I need Corey’s aunt, at the very least, to take him on Fridays to make it fair, but she refuses because she blames me for her sister’s divorce. When I asked my husband to talk to his ex and her sister about making the childcare arrangement fairer, he said he’d do it but then made excuses and never did. I know the divorce was unfriendly, but it’s been nearly five years and I’m tired of dealing with this. Corey would benefit from more predictability with his aunt, I know. I also think if he wasn’t scheduled for weekend activities he’d become more independent. I can’t get any support for any of this! How do I get my calm weekends back?

—Overworked Stepmom

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conuly

1. I’m 25, my boyfriend is 27, and we’ve been together for about a year and a half. We’ve had some ups and downs, but I know that I love him and he loves me. Though we’ve said “I love you” to each other, we have never said that we were in love. So, the other night, I brought it up and asked him if he was in love with me. He responded that he loves me and thinks that our love has grown deeper throughout our relationship, but that he thinks that being “in love” is just the feeling of butterflies at the beginning of a relationship and doesn’t really mean anything. He was honest, but at the same time, it felt as if he sort of dodged my question.

I think of loving someone and being in love as the opposite of what he does—that you love someone at the beginning of a relationship, but you grow to be in love as time passes. I’m left feeling hurt and dissatisfied by his response. When I think about the future of our relationship, like imagining us saying our wedding vows one day, it’s important to me that we feel that we’re in love. I’m sure he could tell I was hurt when he said it, and yet, he didn’t do much to reassure me. The conversation ended there, and we went to bed. Could this really just be a difference of semantics, or could it be an indication that he doesn’t feel as deeply about me as I do about him? If it were the other way around, I absolutely would have affirmed something that I knew was important to him. How should I follow up on this conversation?

—Love or in Love?

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*************

2. DEAR ABBY: I've been seeing a man for about a year. For the most part, we get along fine. We spend a lot of time together, and he professes his love for me. His intentions are to be together forever, although there has not been a proposal. I think I could continue this relationship indefinitely.

There's just one thing: I'm not physically attracted to him. He is presentable and well-groomed, but it can't compensate for the fact that he is homely. I am, to put it plainly, a beautiful woman. I have always dated "in my league."

I am trying hard not to be shallow, but this bothers me greatly. Sometimes I'm just disgusted. I know we'll both age, but until then, he'll still be ugly. I do have feelings for him, so should I try harder to overlook his defects? -- TORN ABOUT HIM IN NEVADA

( Read more... )

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3. Dear Prudence,

I (29/F, straight) met my boyfriend (28/M, straight) last summer after having a “meet cute,” and we made things official after about two months of dating. We’ve now been in a committed relationship for four months. So far, this has been the most loving, adventurous, and fun-filled relationship I’ve ever had. He is a great guy—a sweet, goofy, devoted, go-with-the flow, but also very scatter-brained “golden retriever boyfriend” type (very Type B personality); whereas I’m more of a “black cat girlfriend”—more of a cynical type, who is a little harsher, more rigid/organized, and likes things a certain way (very Type A personality, and also slightly OCD). He has once said that we make a good team because I “make up for the brain cells he lacks.”

Overall, we tend to balance each other out personality-wise due to this dynamic, but there are some habits he has that drive me absolutely crazy. For example: Every time he drinks a canned beverage, he non-intentionally makes a “slurping” sound, instead of politely and quietly sipping the drink. I’ve gently brought this up to him and said it isn’t very polite to do that (he acknowledged the behavior and said he isn’t doing it to intentionally be obnoxious—he genuinely just isn’t thinking about the actions he’s doing), but to this day, he still does it. Another thing he does: He’ll talk/mutter to himself if he’s doing some kind of solo task and not talking to another person (i.e. washing dishes). Whenever he does this, it literally makes me cringe. Another thing: he has no awareness of how loudly he is speaking when someone is right next to him. There have been instances where he’s raised his voice so loudly, my ears were ringing for a while afterwards.

I genuinely don’t think he’s aware or realizing he’s doing these things as they happen, and how it can come off as odd, bizarre or downright impolite behavior to another person—which is part of why these habits bother me so much. And every time I’ve politely addressed these habits, I can tell he feels somewhat hurt that I’ve called out the behavior (or he feels like there’s something “wrong” with him for doing it), and then he still ends up doing it. I feel like a scolding mother every time I bring the behaviors up. How do I better confront him about these things in a kind (but effective) manner? Or am I just nitpicking and need to get over it?

—Annoyed

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conuly

Dear Annie: I live on the West Coast where the unhoused population continues to increase every year, along with a massive fentanyl addiction issue. I am well aware that not all unhoused people are addicts, but I also have enough experience interacting with this subset of the community to know that many of the people who walk around asking for money do have an addiction, whether it may be fentanyl, alcohol or something else.

My question is whether you have a suggested response that conveys "no" without saying "sorry"? I feel very weird apologizing for not giving money to these people who I have a very specific reason to not give money to, but "sorry" is the only response I have observed from family, friends and co-workers when out and about. And, admittedly, as a woman sometimes walking alone, it doesn't always feel like "no" is necessarily a safe choice, as it seems like it could be perceived as confrontational by the asker (and I also admit that could be in my head, as I haven't been willing to try!).

Do you think a "no" by itself could be fine, or do you have another suggestion? -- Donating to Charity, not Addiction

( Annie's an asshole too )

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Agony Aunt

Mar. 25th, 2024

Mar. 25th, 2024

Is this a fake letter? I hope this is a fake letter! It almost has to be - right?

All these people need to do their partners a favor and break up

Christ, what an asshole

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