1. I’m 25, my boyfriend is 27, and we’ve been together for about a year and a half. We’ve had some ups and downs, but I know that I love him and he loves me. Though we’ve said “I love you” to each other, we have never said that we were in love. So, the other night, I brought it up and asked him if he was in love with me. He responded that he loves me and thinks that our love has grown deeper throughout our relationship, but that he thinks that being “in love” is just the feeling of butterflies at the beginning of a relationship and doesn’t really mean anything. He was honest, but at the same time, it felt as if he sort of dodged my question.

I think of loving someone and being in love as the opposite of what he does—that you love someone at the beginning of a relationship, but you grow to be in love as time passes. I’m left feeling hurt and dissatisfied by his response. When I think about the future of our relationship, like imagining us saying our wedding vows one day, it’s important to me that we feel that we’re in love. I’m sure he could tell I was hurt when he said it, and yet, he didn’t do much to reassure me. The conversation ended there, and we went to bed. Could this really just be a difference of semantics, or could it be an indication that he doesn’t feel as deeply about me as I do about him? If it were the other way around, I absolutely would have affirmed something that I knew was important to him. How should I follow up on this conversation?

—Love or in Love?

Dear In Love,

I’m going to list the things that stood out to me in your letter, in order from least important to most important.

Not important at all: The definitions of love and in love in your boyfriend’s mind and which one he thinks applies to this moment in your relationship.

Moderately/possibly more than moderately important: the ups and downs you reference. (What happened? And were these ups and downs related to the theme of you wanting more commitment, enthusiasm, or affection from him? If so, that matters …)

Very important: Whether said ups and downs, combined with your sense that he isn’t as affirming to you as you would be to him, are leaving you feeling shitty and, well, unloved in this relationship.

If the intensity of your feelings and your boyfriend’s feelings, your hopes for the future, and your communication styles were really aligned, you would feel so secure that you wouldn’t be in the weeds about your respective definitions of various terms because you wouldn’t have felt the need to ask “Are you in love with me?” in the first place. I’m not saying things are doomed between the two of you, but I encourage you to scrutinize how you actually feel in this relationship day to day a lot more and scrutinize his language a lot less.

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2. DEAR ABBY: I've been seeing a man for about a year. For the most part, we get along fine. We spend a lot of time together, and he professes his love for me. His intentions are to be together forever, although there has not been a proposal. I think I could continue this relationship indefinitely.

There's just one thing: I'm not physically attracted to him. He is presentable and well-groomed, but it can't compensate for the fact that he is homely. I am, to put it plainly, a beautiful woman. I have always dated "in my league."

I am trying hard not to be shallow, but this bothers me greatly. Sometimes I'm just disgusted. I know we'll both age, but until then, he'll still be ugly. I do have feelings for him, so should I try harder to overlook his defects? -- TORN ABOUT HIM IN NEVADA

DEAR TORN: No! For both your sakes, please don't do that. The man you are writing about deserves someone who is more focused on inner qualities than you seem capable of. Forcing yourself to like him should not be necessary. Because this bothers you so much, do both of yourselves a favor and let him go.

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3. Dear Prudence,

I (29/F, straight) met my boyfriend (28/M, straight) last summer after having a “meet cute,” and we made things official after about two months of dating. We’ve now been in a committed relationship for four months. So far, this has been the most loving, adventurous, and fun-filled relationship I’ve ever had. He is a great guy—a sweet, goofy, devoted, go-with-the flow, but also very scatter-brained “golden retriever boyfriend” type (very Type B personality); whereas I’m more of a “black cat girlfriend”—more of a cynical type, who is a little harsher, more rigid/organized, and likes things a certain way (very Type A personality, and also slightly OCD). He has once said that we make a good team because I “make up for the brain cells he lacks.”

Overall, we tend to balance each other out personality-wise due to this dynamic, but there are some habits he has that drive me absolutely crazy. For example: Every time he drinks a canned beverage, he non-intentionally makes a “slurping” sound, instead of politely and quietly sipping the drink. I’ve gently brought this up to him and said it isn’t very polite to do that (he acknowledged the behavior and said he isn’t doing it to intentionally be obnoxious—he genuinely just isn’t thinking about the actions he’s doing), but to this day, he still does it. Another thing he does: He’ll talk/mutter to himself if he’s doing some kind of solo task and not talking to another person (i.e. washing dishes). Whenever he does this, it literally makes me cringe. Another thing: he has no awareness of how loudly he is speaking when someone is right next to him. There have been instances where he’s raised his voice so loudly, my ears were ringing for a while afterwards.

I genuinely don’t think he’s aware or realizing he’s doing these things as they happen, and how it can come off as odd, bizarre or downright impolite behavior to another person—which is part of why these habits bother me so much. And every time I’ve politely addressed these habits, I can tell he feels somewhat hurt that I’ve called out the behavior (or he feels like there’s something “wrong” with him for doing it), and then he still ends up doing it. I feel like a scolding mother every time I bring the behaviors up. How do I better confront him about these things in a kind (but effective) manner? Or am I just nitpicking and need to get over it?

—Annoyed

Dear Annoyed,

Two months in and you’re repulsed when he *checks notes* drinks and speaks? I’m sorry to say you do not actually like this guy very much. Please cut him loose to be a Type B golden retriever for someone who will let him do the dishes and mumble in peace.

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