My mom died 15 months ago. It was unexpected and horrifying. My dad attended a counseling group for widowers, where he met “Sharon.” They fell in love, and when the pandemic began, they decided to get married. Suddenly my family of three became a family of five. Sharon and her son “Abe” moved in with us, and everyone keeps talking about how this was meant to be and how we are supporting each other through our grief.

My brother “Nick” and Abe get along, and my dad has Sharon, and I just miss my mom. I miss her so much I can’t breathe sometimes, and it makes me hate Sharon and Abe, even though they’re not to blame. My dad remarried Sharon without talking to Nick or me, so it’s not like he cares about how we feel. My grandparents would let me move in with them if I asked, because they were pissed when he remarried Sharon so quickly, but it’d kick off a big fight with my dad. I don’t know what to do.

A: Can you talk to your grandparents (and your father) about the possibility of an extended visit? If you’re attending school remotely right now, you might be able to do so without totally upending your daily schedule, and you don’t necessarily have to frame it as a permanent move or even as a reaction to your father’s remarriage, if you’re worried about starting a fight you’re not prepared to have yet. There are plenty of pandemic-related reasons you might want a change of pace, and if it’s possible to do so while mitigating your risks (if your grandparents have been vaccinated, for example, or if you’re able to quarantine between moving from your house to theirs), a few months away might do a lot to relieve some of the pressure you’re under.

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I do hope, however, that you at least consider the possibility of talking to your father about your need for space. I’m so sorry he didn’t talk to you or your brother before remarrying. That’s not to say he should have offered you the chance to veto his relationship, just that it would have increased the trust and security among the three of you if he had given you the opportunity to talk about your concerns, your grief, and your limits before taking such a big step. If everyone else in your household is exclusively focusing on how much this remarriage was “meant to be” and how great it is that you can all support one another, it’s no wonder that you feel isolated and constrained. Blending families can be complicated and hard even under the best circumstances without adding grief into the mix, and while I wouldn’t encourage you to use the word hate with your father, you have every right to ask for space: “I know you love Sharon, and both she and Abe have been friendly and polite, but I’m not able to move at the same pace as you.”

Prioritize your own grief and need for support, rather than trying to force yourself to stay quiet because everyone else in the house seems happy. As long as you can speak civilly (think “I need a break/I’m not ready for X” rather than “I hate you”), I don’t think you should worry too much about editing yourself. I can certainly understand why you want to avoid a big fight with your father, but it’s clear you’re not looking to tell him that he should divorce Sharon or apologize for finding love. You just want him to understand that this is sometimes very hard for you, and that the purpose of this increased distance is so that when you do spend time with Sharon and Abe, you’re not overwhelmed or feeling constrained. It’s in the service of developing a meaningful, honest, long-term relationship, rather than being rushed into ready-made intimacy.