Jan. 12th, 2024

conuly: (Default)
[personal profile] conuly
1. Dear Annie: For six years, I've been with a man -- let's call him "Ben." We have one child together and one on the way. I'm frustrated because I do all of the housework even though we're both employed. We divided up expenses. He pays for the house payment and the babysitter when we need one, and I pay for all of the utilities and groceries. I also do most of the childcare tasks.

I don't feel like I should have to ask for him to get off his butt and help; I feel like he should naturally want to help and just do it. I've noticed that when we are around his family, he jumps to help them with anything in a split second. He seems like he would just rather be lazy when it comes to our own home life, expecting me to do all the domestic work.

I'd try talking to him about this, but he's not a talk-about-your-feelings type of guy, more of a sort-your-own-laundry type of guy. In the past, anytime I've brought up anything remotely uncomfortable, he seems to register it as a threat and says something negative directed towards me and not at all helpful to resolving the issue. Advice? -- Unheard Girlfriend


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2. DEAR ABBY: My husband and I have been married for two years. We rushed into marriage, unfortunately, before getting to know each other very well. Whenever we have a disagreement, he gives me the silent treatment for days. Sometimes, it lasts weeks.

He won't eat anything I cook or help around the house. If I'm in one room, he will lock himself up in another one. He sleeps on the couch or on a pull-out mattress. Eventually, he will end it by returning to our bed and trying to initiate intimacy. I usually accept, but the issue never gets resolved or discussed -- we just carry on. When I've tried discussing the issues, he says, "Don't start!"

I'm fed up with his childish behavior. We have a 7-month-old baby and children from my previous marriage, so it has become increasingly difficult for me to leave him. He's not the type to go to therapy. He will admit we have communication issues, but that's the extent of it. I've reached the point that I no longer care about our marriage, and if I had the means, I'd happily leave. Please help. -- SILENT TREATMENT IN THE NORTHEAST


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3. Dear Prudence,

My fiancé has always been close to his sister, “Becky.” They text each other daily and frequently talk on the phone. They’re twins, and I thought I understood their bond. However, we went to his family’s house for Thanksgiving, and I met Becky for the first time—she’s been working abroad for the past two years and only moved back to the U.S. last month—and to be honest, I was a little freaked out about their closeness. Becky and my fiancé finish each other’s sentences, giggle at their private jokes, and are often physically affectionate. Hugging, kissing on the cheek, holding hands. At one point, Becky even sat on my fiancé’s lap and pretended he was “Santa.” Apparently, it’s an old joke of theirs. I have two brothers, but I’ve never behaved like that with them.

On the drive back from his family’s house, I told my boyfriend that I found the way he interacts with Becky “icky.” He blew up and accused me of having a dirty mind. I apologized, feeling that I overreacted. However, now that we’re back home, I keep thinking about Becky and I do think it’s icky. Should I talk to my fiancé about the ick factor again? I don’t know if I can stand to see Becky sitting on my fiancé’s lap giggling and baby talking at future family functions. It’s too disturbing. I’ve even thought about proposing a tropical vacation instead of the next visit so we can be away from his family. This is the perfect man if he didn’t have that weird dynamic with his sister!

—Too Close for Comfort


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4. Dear Amy: Ever since the #metoo era my husband does not initiate sex. We've talked about this. He says that doing so could be construed as sexual harassment. He doesn't talk about sex or make innuendos. He no longer tells jokes -- he says it is because they could be of a sexual nature and that he doesn't want to be demeaning to women.

When I do want sex, he is quite accommodating, though I have to explicitly tell him what I like, but he never tells me what he likes because, he says, if he says something it may be taken the wrong way. He no longer compliments me (or any other man or woman) on how I (or they) look or dress, which used to be quite forthcoming. He says that he doesn't want to be judgmental.

Other than that, we have a good relationship. He drinks only an occasional beer, and we have great discussions about what's going on in the world, (except for things that concern sex, such as any LGBTQ issues or fashion). If he does complain, it's about something he could have done better. He's in great shape and easy on the eyes. But I miss the easy, loving, uninhibited sex life that we used to share. My husband says he's sorry that he can't be a part of that because times have changed and that his previous behavior is not acceptable for a man anymore. Any suggestions?

– Sad Wife


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5. Dear Amy: I’ve been with my boyfriend for five years. He has been totally estranged from his mother the whole time I’ve known him. I’ve never met her. Well, his mother started messaging with me on Facebook and she really wants to get back into his life. She wants to apologize for the mistakes she has made. I invited her over to our house without telling my boyfriend. He blew up when he saw her and now says that he wants to break up with me. I was just trying to help mend his relationship with his mom! What can I do to get him to come back?

– Devastated


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6. Dear Amy: I’m a woman in my mid-20’s and I’ve been with my boyfriend since high school. I fell in love with him in ninth grade and (honestly) pursued him for a couple of years until I let him catch me (ha ha).

I’ve always been quite large and overweight, and my weight is a huge issue for him. He only showed an interest in dating me after I had lost a considerable amount of weight in high school. I’ve mainly kept this weight off, but it has been a struggle. I’m down to a size 8.

We are talking about marriage, but he says he will only propose to me if I lose a little more weight. Several of my female family members are overweight, and he says that if I wind up looking like them, he wouldn’t want to stay in the relationship. We are super-compatible in every other way. I guess I need a gut check (ha ha) about my relationship. He’s the only guy I’ve ever loved.

– Wondering Woman


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7. Dear Carolyn: I have been dating a woman long enough that we’ve talked about marriage. I get along well with her family, who live near us. She has never met my family, who do not live near us, and recently I gave her the whole story, that I see them only occasionally and in small doses because of the way they have treated me over the course of my life.

My girlfriend listened to my explanation and said: “You sound like a bratty teenager complaining about your parents. I’m sure they did their best.” I was floored. I feel like her response shows a fundamental lack of empathy for the fact that I wasn’t blessed with a loving family like she was, and it is making me rethink our relationship.

She has apologized for the way she phrased what she said, but I am really wondering if it’s possible for me to have a future with a person who shows such a lack of understanding about something so fundamental to who I am. Do you see a way forward here?


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conuly: (Default)
[personal profile] conuly
Dear Care and Feeding,

I am a divorced mother of an only son, “Daniel,” age 8. I had thought the divorce would make things better, but my ex has been a nightmare co-parent. He has more money than I do, and despite the terms of the settlement, he uses it to buy the affection of our child, as well as to influence him in profoundly unhealthy ways. So, for instance, near the start of the month, I noted that Daniel’s shoes had some holes in them and I went to get him some new ones. I got him a very nice pair at a very reasonable store, only to have him take them off almost as soon as he got home and put his old ratty shoes on. He said the ones I got “hurt [his] feet to wear them,” and when I asked why he didn’t say something at the store. he had the gall to lie to my face and said he did and that I didn’t pay attention.

After a day of this and a grounding for his lying, I threw out his old shoes so he’d have to wear the new ones. That worked up until the next visitation, when Daniel came back from his father’s sporting a brand-new pair of sneakers, the ones I bought nowhere in sight. Worst of all, he was super sullen about coming back home and didn’t want to talk about the shoes his father got him, accusing me of not listening to him anyway. His father did a lot of lying and gaslighting, and I’m sure he’s teaching our boy those same horrible habits. My son gets more and more unhappy to come home each time. Help me, please—I can’t stand to lose my son like this.

—Single Mother Needing Help


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