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Social Q’s: No Need to Feel Flattened by a Fifth Wheel
Third question in this week’s NY Times’ Social Q’s, posted because I’m flabbergasted by the guests’ question.
Twice recently, my husband and I were invited to dinner at the homes of couples we know. We assumed they wanted to get to know us better. But both times, we were surprised to be joined by a visiting family member. At one, it was a cousin from down the street; at the other, it was a visiting niece. Their presence definitely changed the dynamic. Did these hosts behave politely, or are my husband and I correct that they were inconsiderate and rude to include others and take away from the intention of the evening?
GUESTS
I think that you and your husband should reconsider your notion of hospitality. In both cases, your hosts shopped, cooked, tidied their homes and served you dinner. Yet you interpret all that generosity as rudeness because of an extra guest. That strikes me as rigid and ungrateful.
You don’t mention either couple specifying a dinner for four. Hosts aren’t obliged to share their guest lists in advance. And the idea that you couldn’t get to know one another better because an extra person was there seems silly. Feel free to arrange your dinner parties as you like. But don’t degrade the generosity of others: It’s unflattering.
Twice recently, my husband and I were invited to dinner at the homes of couples we know. We assumed they wanted to get to know us better. But both times, we were surprised to be joined by a visiting family member. At one, it was a cousin from down the street; at the other, it was a visiting niece. Their presence definitely changed the dynamic. Did these hosts behave politely, or are my husband and I correct that they were inconsiderate and rude to include others and take away from the intention of the evening?
GUESTS
I think that you and your husband should reconsider your notion of hospitality. In both cases, your hosts shopped, cooked, tidied their homes and served you dinner. Yet you interpret all that generosity as rudeness because of an extra guest. That strikes me as rigid and ungrateful.
You don’t mention either couple specifying a dinner for four. Hosts aren’t obliged to share their guest lists in advance. And the idea that you couldn’t get to know one another better because an extra person was there seems silly. Feel free to arrange your dinner parties as you like. But don’t degrade the generosity of others: It’s unflattering.
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(In my circles, after accepting an invitation, the question is “what can I bring?”, not “who else is coming?”)
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I can see the threads of a story there, aliens traveling Earthward sending their questions ahead of them in the most innocuous ways they can think of?
(This also makes me think of the Ruthanna Emrys’ A Half-Built Garden, a first contact novel where having children is a key part of mutual understanding. It’s also a hopeful one about maybe we can fix the planet from the wounds we humans have inflicted…)