agonyaunt | Care & Feeding: Wandering Toddler

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Care & Feeding: Wandering Toddler

I Left My 2-Year-Old Alone With My Husband for 15 Minutes. The Aftermath Might Haunt My Marriage Forever.

Dear Care and Feeding,

My husband “Justin” and I have a 4-year-old daughter and a 2-year-old son. Last weekend, my husband did something so negligent I’m not sure if I can ever trust him with our kids again.

The weather was finally nice in our area and we were hosting a barbecue in our backyard with about a dozen friends and family members over. At one point, my daughter spilled an entire bowl of chili on herself. I left Justin to watch my son while I took her inside to get cleaned up. About 15 minutes later, I had gotten my daughter’s clothes changed and we were about to return to the backyard when the doorbell rang. I opened up to find a neighbor holding our son. He handed him to me and said he was driving home when he spotted my son wandering around in the street halfway down the block from my house.

Justin’s excuse was that he had given my son a popsicle to eat to keep him busy and left him sitting on one of our lawn chairs while he kept an eye on the grill. I told him that if he wasn’t able to watch him, he should have said so and I would have asked someone else to do it. Even though my husband apologized, I no longer feel comfortable having him watch our kids. Until our kids are several years older, I plan on taking them with me when I need to go somewhere rather than have him watch them. If I am not able to do that, I’m going to send them to my parents’ or have one or both of them come over. Justin says it was an honest mistake on his part and I’m being unfair. I don’t think I am. Our son could have been hit by a car, kidnapped, attacked by a dog, or God knows what else. Right?

—No More Chances

Dear No More Chances,

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That must’ve been absolutely heart-stopping. The image of your toddler wandering down the street is terrifying. I’m so relieved your neighbor found him and returned him safely. So many things could have gone wrong! Alhamdulillah, nothing did. I’m honestly shaken just reading about it.

Let me be as clear as possible: What happened was scary, preventable, and totally irresponsible. Your husband made a potentially dangerous mistake. Parking a 2-year-old in a lawn chair and expecting they’d stay put? Come on.

That said, throwing your husband into exile might not be the answer here. Instead of asking whether you can ever trust him again, ask whether this behavior reflects who he is, overall, as a parent. Does he usually keep the kids safe? Is he engaged? Does he understand that parenting can’t be paused? If the answers are yes, then I’d bet this shook him too. Unless this is part of a larger pattern of inattentiveness or dangerous carelessness, I’d argue that this incident, as awful as it was, is a wake-up call.

You’re not wrong to feel like your trust was broken. He absolutely should’ve said no if he couldn’t fully watch Jacob. But I’d also bet he said yes because he wanted to help, not because he didn’t care. That’s not an excuse—it’s just a starting point for a real conversation.

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So have that conversation. Sit down and calmly establish some non-negotiables for when either of you is on solo kid duty. Make a plan for chaotic moments like what to do if one kid spills chili on themselves. Be honest about your limits. If you’re juggling too much, say so. And make it clear that this isn’t about blame or punishment. It’s about keeping your kids safe and making sure neither of you ever has to live through that kind of fear again.

Parenting requires vigilance, yes, but it also requires growth. Give him the opportunity to grow from this. He won’t forget this moment. Neither will you. Thankfully, your child is safe. As terrifying wake-up calls go, this one came without lifelong scars or consequences. That’s a gift. Use it.

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Well, hit by a car is a definite possibility, as is attacked by a dog. But stranger kidnappings of toddlers are... not really a thing, and it's not because children aren't left unattended. It's because it's just not a very common crime and never has been.

That being said, accidents happen. If LW's husband is mostly an okay parent but once made this oopsie, it's not necessarily the end of the world... though I understand why LW is in panic mode right now when it just happened.

(The real solution here is a gate on the backyard fence, with a latch the kid can't reach and an alarm if it's opened. Good fences make good parents.)

(The real solution here is a gate on the backyard fence, with a latch the kid can't reach and an alarm if it's opened. Good fences make good parents.)

Yes.

There's a court case here that has enraged me - a low income woman of colour living in public housing right next door to a river repeatedly begged the public housing authority to install fencing to keep her kids safe from the river, and was repeatedly refused fencing. She couldn't have afforded to pay for fencing out of pocket, and also installing fencing without permission would have been a breach of her lease and gotten her evicted.

Now she's on trial for manslaughter because even tho she told her kids to stay away from the river, they went and played there anyway, and both her 3 year old and her 5 year old drowned.

I think that if we accept that private swimming pools must have kid-proof fencing (which is the law in Australia)

then public housing which is right next to a river should also have kid proof fencing - and the state government housing authority should have had a legal obligation to provide that fencing.

https://www.abc.net.au/news/2025-06-06/north-queensland-mother-manslaughter-sons-bail-retrial/105384650

That is a heartbreaking case — and it takes MOMENTS for a toddler to drown, it tragically happened to my friends’ child (under supervision in a public kiddie pool, but it was crowded and line of sight got broken for a second.)

LW’s child was very, very lucky that nothing worse happened.

Okay I'm not a parent but I spend a fair amount of time keeping two-year-olds from running into the street and my response to this is: a two-year-old can get "halfway down the block" in about thirty seconds if they want to (and they usually want to.) If your husband really tuned out the kid entirely for fifteen minutes straight, that's deeply worrying, but being distracted for a minute or two and losing the kid can happen to literally anyone who has a two-year-old they don't keep leashed - it could happen to you! If your husband was sure the kid was right there a second ago, then you should be thankful the neighbor found them so fast, not mad at your husband for parenting a two-year-old.

I feel like the truly concerning bits of this story are:

1. Your husband hasn't spent enough time in charge of the kids to *know* that you can't park a two-year-old in a chair and expect them to sit. This is your second kid! Is that the first time you ever let him watch a two year old alone? Either you aren't letting him dad on his own enough to figure stuff out or he's refusing to learn, those are both problems.

2. Nobody else at the party noticed the kid leave either. Especially if *nobody* can give you a straight answer about how long the kid was missing. Again, this is a two-year-old, they're escape artists, and it was your husband's responsibility. But you seem to have had a fairly large group of adult family members and friends hanging out around the grill - was literally everybody completely tuning out the existence of the kids? If your husband did need to watch the grill more closely for just a minute or two there should have been *somebody* at the family barbecue he could have told "make sure they stay there for me please?" - or somebody already engaged with the kid and chatting - and it sounds like there wasn't. If you're hosting the kinds of parties where everybody except you is excluding the kids from the socializing, you need a paid babysitter.

3. The correct response to this is not "I will never trust the kids with their dad again" unless it's part of a much wider pattern of behavior. There's something very wrong with your marriage.

You articulated a bunch of things that I was thinking.

At its core, the assumption that a unique and horrible neglect on the husband's part is the explanation for this seems not only unfair, but weirdly naive about the capacity of the toddler, given that it's her second. Perhaps her terror is behind the feeling of blame, and she may come to a more realistic picture of how quickly and easily a toddler can slip away after she's had time, or therapy, or whatever.

And it definitely doesn't sound like any of the many backyard parties with small children in my childhood or adult memories.

I think this is all reasonable as a response in the five minutes after you got your toddler back, yeah. But LW sat down and wrote this out in a letter to an advice column and I have less sympathy for "immediate terror" there.

Rumination is an awful thing. The more time you spend ruminating on it, the easier it is to keep the emotions fresh and remain in that immediate-emotions state for hours, days, weeks, or longer. I’m guessing LW has been doing a *lot* of rehashing and rumination on all the things that could have been much, much worse than they were.

Yes, exactly.

That's true, but I think that falls under "something is very wrong with your marriage" to me. In the five minutes or even six hours after something like this happens, not wanting to leave your husband with your kids ever again is a response even the most well-adjusted person with the best husband might have; if you're still ruminating to this level days later, and if the focus is still your husband rather than how terrifying it is to be a parent generally, then something needs fixed.

Definitely agree. This isn’t someone who feels like they’re on the same team; LW feels very alone in this.

Nobody else at the party noticed the kid leave either. Especially if *nobody* can give you a straight answer about how long the kid was missing. Again, this is a two-year-old, they're escape artists, and it was your husband's responsibility. But you seem to have had a fairly large group of adult family members and friends hanging out around the grill - was literally everybody completely tuning out the existence of the kids?

That's the least surprising part of all this. In my experience, the more adults there are, the more likely there is to be a little mishap. Even in a setting where every adult is in theory watching their own child, somehow more adults = fewer eyes.

Maybe it's because of the families I grew up in, but every family party there were always people from multiple families who had at least half an eye on all the kids at all times. If only because part of the reason they're at the party is to see the kids! They're not going to catch it immediately if a little one runs off maybe, but they'll notice if one disappears for fifteen minutes. (And again - even if not, Husband should have been able to say to Auntie or Grandpa "hey can you keep an eye on *kid* while I'm at the grill for a couple minutes?" and trust them to do that.)

If LW's family are the only ones that have kids, I can see this just not being on their radar - but again if the only kids are the host's kids and it's a grown-up party (or even if there's multiple families of kids but it's a grown-up party where the kids aren't going to be participating), we always had a designated babysitter. And you could definitely tell the difference in vibe between "family-oriented get-together" and "grown-up party".

"Sit in that chair with a popsicle for fifteen minutes" doesn't happen at family-oriented ones to start with, if you're a good host you wouldn't let any other party goer be alone in a chair with nobody talking to them either! That only happens if the kid's not really a part of the party.

Like, it's a two-year-old, this could happen even at a party where the kids were the focus of everyone's attention. But I got a distinct vibe that this was a party where the kids were being actively excluded from the action. A grown-up party is like needing a sitter when you're WFH.

Edited 2025-06-09 16:32 (UTC)

In my family, everyone keeps a casual eye on the kids in general BUT a parent with a child 3 or younger will make sure someone specific is watching their kid (with verbal confirmation) before leaving the room.

Oh yeah, you need both especially with the younger ones! But this felt distinctly like a party where everyone is *not* keeping a casual eye on the kids generally.

Yep. Everyone wants to take a break from their kids and everyone assumes someone else is watching the kids, and it ends up that nobody is. This is precisely why parties with backyard pools are so dangerous; it only takes a second for a child to end up in the pool and often the adults don’t notice for awhile.

(We could easily have had one of those tragedies ourselves. My husband was with our kids at a wedding that had a pool nearby, and he was the only one that noticed our small child suddenly dart in the direction of the pool, away from the other kids he was playing with. My kid walked onto the surface of the deep end as if he thought he was Jesus, and disappeared straight down without a sound within a couple seconds. None of the other fifty-odd people there happened to be looking or noticed. My husband jumped in the pool, yanked our kid out, and all was fine other than our kid gagging up some water. But if not for my husband’s attention and random chance - my husband didn’t happen to glance away at that second while talking to someone or distracted by something else - it could easily have been a tragedy.

And there was another time at a pool party in my own backyard when I was the only one who recognized, out of all the other adults there, that a child was in trouble in the pool. Thank goodness I chose to get lifeguard training when we had a backyard pool installed, because I was able to recognize that that was a kid desperately flailing to stay above water, not a child splashing and having fun. And thank goodness I’m a bulldog about keeping my eyes on everyone in the pool any time it’s in use. Too many parents just assume their kids will be fine in a backyard pool. I threw the kid a preserver, pulled him out, and all was well. But had I not noticed, he would eventually have sunk and then drowned, unable to call for help because when you’re fighting for breath you don’t have the ability to call out.)

PSA: If people don’t know how to recognize the signs of someone in trouble in the water, there are a lot of good Youtube videos. It isn’t how it looks in the movies, where people are screaming for help.

When the kids were little I took that religiously into account when hanging out with people at the children's museum or wherever and counted all the children over and over again to keep track of them - consequently, all their playdate buddies were misplaced by their parents at least once, but the only time it happened to me was when the kid was exactly where I thought they were, I just couldn't see them.

(I continued counting the kids whenever we went on outings until they were in their early teens. Because children are terrible, they and their friends used to relentlessly shout random numbers at me, but hey, at least I never lost one!)

I was so trained to do this that I do it with adult friends. I don't yell numbers, but I always count the group multiple times on the outing.

My mother led a pilgrimage of just over 40 people (including OH and me) a few years ago. She numbered us all at the beginning and had us shout out our numbers in order every time we got on the coach. We mocked our Glorious Leader like crazy, of course, but it worked.

1. Aren't there parenting classes?

2. If Justin has no idea that a 2-year-old is not going to sit in a lawn chair with a popsicle like a dog with a Kong full of frozen peanut butter, the solution is to have him watch the children more, not less, with the proviso that they have to be in front of his eyes at all times and within arm's reach.

“the solution is to have him watch the children more, not less”

THIS! I thought, what the heck are you talking about, lady? Do you went him to have absolutely NO idea of his kids’ development? That’s just going to multiply the chances for fuck ups down the line.

My kids escaped numerous times from a fenced yard and various other times and places, often in the blink of an eye. And I was vigilant. I get how easily this happens with some kids, and most parents/caregivers are looking for them right away.

But I am still upset at my ex for going to bed with a migraine, pillow over is head and door shut, when he was home alone with them at ages 2, 5 and 7. He left the back door open, they got out and got into things. I could have taken them with me to the meeting, but he offered for them to stay home. He was mad at me for over-reacting since none of them had died.

Oh I recognize that flavor of selfishness. I am so sorry he was so neglectful. All he had to do was admit he wasn't up for it, or call in reinforcements. I can just imagine how horrible that was for you.

This reminds me of two different incidents, one where I was a witness and one where I was the negligent caretaker.

I worked hospital security and we had a missing child alarm; a man had gotten into a car accident and was in the ER, his wife sent their children (14, 9, and 2) to the cafeteria to have lunch. The 14yo let go of the 2yo's hand to pay and he was GONE - ran down the hall, got into an elevator and hit a bunch of buttons. He was found within 5 minutes but the poor 14yo was a mess.

The other time was when I was 18 and nannying three kids (12, 8, 4) for the summer. The 8yo was at a friend's house and the 12yo was taking a shower; 4yo wanted to play outside but I had to go to the bathroom. I told him to sit on the couch while I went and that we would go outside when I was done. I came out of the bathroom 3 minutes later right as the mother was walking into the house with 4yo in tow, screaming at me for not keeping a better eye on her son (I guess I was supposed to bring him into the bathroom with me...?)

Yes it's a problem that the kid was playing in the street, but it could have happened to LW too. It takes no time for a kid to run off

Oh God micturation while babysitting. I sometimes half-seriously considered adult diapers.

God forbid a teenage girl need to change her tampon! Another time that summer they needed me to arrive at 6 am (I usually started at 8). Naturally I fell asleep on the sofa about 15 minutes after arriving, and I woke up at 7:30 to one of the kids standing over me holding the phone and saying "it's Mom for you, she sounds mad." It was a big deal that I fell asleep and didn't hear the phone ringing on a different level of the house (the cordless phone was in the 12yo's room). It's been almost 22 years and it still bothers me 😅

ythat would still bother me too! Did she think you were a robot?

I found it interesting how it was all “my son” until the end of the letter. Does he not parent his kids much? Is he a ‘babysitter’ sometimes, rather than a full-time parent?

That was pretty intriguing, yeah.

When Oldest was two, he ran out of the front yard and halfway down the street without me noticing while I was right there in the front yard doing yardwork and frequently looking up to see what he was doing. Fortunately the across-the-street neighbor saw him go and immediately got my attention, so I was able to catch him before he was out of sight.

So I'm not going to judge someone for losing track of a toddler because of thirty seconds of inattention.

I do judge both Justin and LW for not cluing in that managing a grill isn't compatible with herding a two-year-old. Watching a toddler and watching the grill so the food doesn't burn: pick one.

We were once on holiday with friends who had 2-year-old twins. We were in the house with the door locked, and one of them decided he wanted to go to the beach, and discovered he could reach the lock. His mother found him in the next road, being followed by several unknown-to-us adults who had spotted there was something wrong but didn't dare pick him up in case they were accused of abduction or something.

But he managed to escape from a locked house, where there were five or six adults, plus two older children who weren't old enough to be responsible for the toddlers but were old and sensible enough to know to yell for an adult if they saw one of them escaping, and none of us spotted he was gone for several minutes, and didn't realise he'd actually left the house until we'd searched it.

(I think it was the same child who, aged 7ish on another shared holiday, managed to fall out of an upstairs window, fortunately without being hurt. Possibly his role in life is to increase adults' blood pressure.)

My anecdotal impression is that almost all caregivers lose sight of a toddler at least once. And some kids are just escape artists and will find their way out of a safe situation multiple times. It's terrifying, and with good reason because it genuinely can happen that the absconding kid gets hit by a car or drowns. (They almost never get "kidnapped" though, that's not the situation where child abduction happens.) It doesn't mean the caregivers are negligent.

But the way both LW and Justin are reacting raises red flags for me. It's absolutely understandable to be scared that your 2yo ended up in the street. It's not ok to handle that fear by "never trusting him with our kids again". And Justin definitely needs to do more than a token apology and whining that his wife is being "unfair" over an "honest mistake". If the toddler complained it was unfair when he got in trouble for wandering into the street, that's age-appropriate. But an adult should take responsibility for his actions and should also acknowledge his wife's emotions.

They're not acting like a team. A father doesn't "watch" his own kids. I do agree that parking a 2yo in a chair unattended at a bbq isn't a safe strategy, but it worries me that instead of discussing better approaches, LW has gone straight to, husband can never be trusted with the children again. This is how we end up with a situation where women do basically all the work of parenting, because if a male caregiver makes a small mistake, he isn't allowed to learn and do better next time, he's just cut out of responsibility. Assuming these people live together with the kids, their dad should know that his 2yo isn't going to sit still for several minutes without supervision.

I can't tell if Justin has in fact checked out of parenting from the beginning, and this is just the last straw, or if LW has cut him out of being an equal co-parent because of sexism, or if everything was in fact fine up to now and he's just made a one-off error and she's panicked.

(Rereading this I notice we don't actually know for sure that LW is female. But even if we're talking about two dads here, they still need to be partners to each other rather than one of them taking all the responsibility and the other being cut out.)

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