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agonyaunt2024-08-07 04:57 am
minoanmiss) wrote in agonyaunt2024-08-07 04:57 am
Entry tags:
Ask Amy: Husband's Love Has Hit a Wrinkle
Q. My wife of 40 years is a beautiful woman and always has been.
When younger, she turned many heads. To this day (when she wears makeup), she still is quite attractive. The one caveat is that now that she is in her 70s, she has developed many wrinkles.
She frequently asks me if I think she is looking much older. I would never upset her and so I fib and say, “No.”
At times she will look at another woman who has lots of wrinkles and ask, “Do I have as many wrinkles as she does?” I always say, “Not even close,” although in some instances she does have as many.
Am I right to fib? I could never see myself saying, “Yes, dear, you have a lot of wrinkles.”
I love her and it truly doesn’t matter to me. Your thoughts?
LOVING HUSBAND
A. You write this as though your wife has aged but you have not. You also seem to believe that the aging process, which is both natural and unavoidable, renders people unattractive.
If you have somehow miraculously not aged in these last 40 years, then your position as the Rip Van Winkle in your family gives you the authority to be the wrinkle arbiter.
However, I’m going to assume that you are an average person and that you are showing your years — along with the rest of us. If so, when your wife expresses her deep insecurities, you might identify with her, rather than behave in a way that is dishonest or disingenuous.
Say to her, “Honey, look at us both. Look at our friends and family members. Take a good look. Every sign of our age means that we are alive. Our lumps and bumps are reminders that we have the privilege of living in our bodies. Our wrinkles are the map of our experiences.”
And when your wife brushes off your lofty musings, definitely deliver a kindly fib.
All of this would be much easier — for both of you — if you truly believed your wife was beautiful (as is!), and could say as much with absolute sincerity. I hope you can.
When younger, she turned many heads. To this day (when she wears makeup), she still is quite attractive. The one caveat is that now that she is in her 70s, she has developed many wrinkles.
She frequently asks me if I think she is looking much older. I would never upset her and so I fib and say, “No.”
At times she will look at another woman who has lots of wrinkles and ask, “Do I have as many wrinkles as she does?” I always say, “Not even close,” although in some instances she does have as many.
Am I right to fib? I could never see myself saying, “Yes, dear, you have a lot of wrinkles.”
I love her and it truly doesn’t matter to me. Your thoughts?
LOVING HUSBAND
A. You write this as though your wife has aged but you have not. You also seem to believe that the aging process, which is both natural and unavoidable, renders people unattractive.
If you have somehow miraculously not aged in these last 40 years, then your position as the Rip Van Winkle in your family gives you the authority to be the wrinkle arbiter.
However, I’m going to assume that you are an average person and that you are showing your years — along with the rest of us. If so, when your wife expresses her deep insecurities, you might identify with her, rather than behave in a way that is dishonest or disingenuous.
Say to her, “Honey, look at us both. Look at our friends and family members. Take a good look. Every sign of our age means that we are alive. Our lumps and bumps are reminders that we have the privilege of living in our bodies. Our wrinkles are the map of our experiences.”
And when your wife brushes off your lofty musings, definitely deliver a kindly fib.
All of this would be much easier — for both of you — if you truly believed your wife was beautiful (as is!), and could say as much with absolute sincerity. I hope you can.
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This is why Duncan MacLeod told Henry Morgan that immortal men should not get married.
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I don't think any kind of detailed factual response is necessary from the husband when the wife asks these things. It's just kind of a litany of reassurance that one is is still loved and acceptable.
And it's not the wife's fault that the relentless DO NOT GET OLD OR LOOK OLD message in this culture is overwhelmingly aimed at women. It takes a very strong person to shrug it off.
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But this is basically the "do I look fat in this" question where the right answer depends mostly on how they already communicate in other ways.
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Wabi and sabi would be useful concepts if the wife is the sort to appreciate them. (A tangent: I once had a neighbor who, in her youth, would’ve embodied the late 60s’ ideal of conventional attractiveness: long-stemmed and willowy, with huge grey eyes and yards of ash-blonde hair. The decades since had weathered her into the silvery neutrals and delicate textural complexity of time-bleached barn wood and November prairie grasses as rendered by somebody like Andrew Wyeth. I never attempted to tell her as much, though—-not knowing her well enough, and not trusting myself to avoid giving offense and/or creeping her out.)
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