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Dear Prudence,
This is one of those “my husband is great but…” questions. The “but” is he falls asleep on the couch sometimes. Not all, or even most, of the time but it tends to happen in waves where he will often for a week or two then won’t for several weeks. He has no problems with our bed in general. I am a light sleeper, typically waking up at every tiny sound (and with two young kids there are lots of those) but mostly being able to fall back asleep quickly. I’ve never asked my husband to come to sleep early or change his nighttime routine to accommodate me. All I ask is he comes to bed instead of falling asleep on the couch whatever time that happens to be.
If I wake up and see that he isn’t in bed but should be (basically if it’s past midnight), then no matter how hard I try I cannot stop my brain from fully waking me up. I can’t stop wondering if he remembered to check the doors are locked, or if he started the dishwasher, or if he got a call from work and is in his office. I inevitably have to get out of bed to find him and then I can’t fall back asleep for over an hour. My husband claims he isn’t trying to fall asleep on the couch but that he “can’t control it.” I’ve never “just fallen asleep” on the couch without meaning to/knowing I am and I want to call BS on that excuse. I think he just doesn’t want to get up and ready for bed when he is comfortable and half asleep on the couch. So, do some people really fall asleep so fast and hard that they can’t reasonably be expected to change, or does my husband need to try a little harder? I also can’t help but think that sleeping a full night in bed has got to be healthier than sleeping a few hours, waking up and getting ready for bed, and going back to sleep. I should note he has tried setting an alarm but almost always turns it off without fully waking up.
—Just Come to Bed
Dear Come to Bed,
I don’t even think this rises to “My husband is great but” status. Your husband is great AND he sometimes gets sleepy and wants to close his eyes on the couch where he’s comfortable rather than dragging himself to bed and possibly waking himself up too much to get back to sleep in the process. You can and should let this one go. And he should agree to complete all essential nighttime tasks before he sits down and gets comfortable. Because at this point his falling asleep, whether or not he’s trying hard enough to prevent it, is not a surprise to either of you.
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This is one of those “my husband is great but…” questions. The “but” is he falls asleep on the couch sometimes. Not all, or even most, of the time but it tends to happen in waves where he will often for a week or two then won’t for several weeks. He has no problems with our bed in general. I am a light sleeper, typically waking up at every tiny sound (and with two young kids there are lots of those) but mostly being able to fall back asleep quickly. I’ve never asked my husband to come to sleep early or change his nighttime routine to accommodate me. All I ask is he comes to bed instead of falling asleep on the couch whatever time that happens to be.
If I wake up and see that he isn’t in bed but should be (basically if it’s past midnight), then no matter how hard I try I cannot stop my brain from fully waking me up. I can’t stop wondering if he remembered to check the doors are locked, or if he started the dishwasher, or if he got a call from work and is in his office. I inevitably have to get out of bed to find him and then I can’t fall back asleep for over an hour. My husband claims he isn’t trying to fall asleep on the couch but that he “can’t control it.” I’ve never “just fallen asleep” on the couch without meaning to/knowing I am and I want to call BS on that excuse. I think he just doesn’t want to get up and ready for bed when he is comfortable and half asleep on the couch. So, do some people really fall asleep so fast and hard that they can’t reasonably be expected to change, or does my husband need to try a little harder? I also can’t help but think that sleeping a full night in bed has got to be healthier than sleeping a few hours, waking up and getting ready for bed, and going back to sleep. I should note he has tried setting an alarm but almost always turns it off without fully waking up.
—Just Come to Bed
Dear Come to Bed,
I don’t even think this rises to “My husband is great but” status. Your husband is great AND he sometimes gets sleepy and wants to close his eyes on the couch where he’s comfortable rather than dragging himself to bed and possibly waking himself up too much to get back to sleep in the process. You can and should let this one go. And he should agree to complete all essential nighttime tasks before he sits down and gets comfortable. Because at this point his falling asleep, whether or not he’s trying hard enough to prevent it, is not a surprise to either of you.
Link
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LW, you really really really need to get the anxiety checked out, and also your husband should adjust his evening routine such that it gets everything else done first before he sits down to relax.
It doesn't sound like he has any of the other signs that point to like sleep apnea or whatever, but if he does find himself falling asleep in places that he shouldn't (but the couch late in the evening is a normal condition, not a weird condition) then he should get himself checked out.
You do have some standing as a light sleeper to request that he get all tasks that could include banging and clanking done before your bedtime. Such as dishwashering.
It is absolutely reasonable to request that if he is called into the office at a weird time, that he send you a text message or some other such asynchronous signal where you would just have to look at your phone to know his general whereabouts and schedule rather than getting up to discover whether he's home or out. If both of you agree to it, there are apps that let you share your location with other parties. (I use the feature that's built into Google Maps to share my whereabouts with my partners, and the partner of mine who is most likely to encounter some weird circumstances shares theirs with me and the rest of the household. The partner of mine whose controlling ex monitored their DVR and demanded to know what they were doing instead of watching baseball does not share their location and no one expects them to start.) A location sharing service might help you know for sure whether he's gone to his office or is still at home (if he doesn't think he can remember to send you a location update text).