cereta: (Kayem)
Lucy ([personal profile] cereta) wrote in [community profile] agonyaunt2016-11-14 12:45 pm
  • Add Memory
  • Share This Entry
Entry tags:

Dear Abby: Grown daughter demanding dad's fiance' be excluded


DEAR ABBY: My fiance, "Allen," and I have dated for almost three years and have been living together for three months. When we met, he had been divorced for more than two years. Allen has a 13-year-old son and a 19-year-old daughter. His kids learned about me after we had dated a year. His daughter, "Jen," attends college out of state. When she visits home, she stays only with her mom.

Last summer, Allen and I decided to buy a house together, found the perfect one, and went to make an offer when Jen stepped in and said if we lived together before August, after she returned to school, she wouldn't have anything to do with him. He told me I couldn't live with him until August.

I was devastated, but I didn't have a choice. Now we have a house together, Jen said she wants to spend time on Thanksgiving here at the house without me or my kids. She cried to her dad, saying if he doesn't do this he's excluding her and choosing my kids and me over her.

This will be my first holiday with my fiance, and I was really looking forward to it. We were having friends and family over. But now, because of her request, he wants me to leave for a few hours in the morning.

I'm torn. I feel like her behavior is extremely rude and he shouldn't give in to her, but she said she'll only see him under these conditions. Do I leave my house for a few hours on Thanksgiving, or tell her she's welcome but the kids and I are staying in our own home? -- DISRESPECTED OUT WEST

DEAR DISRESPECTED: It's time for you and Allen to have a serious discussion. Jen's demand is unreasonable. Have you set a wedding date yet? Does he plan to allow his daughter to control both of you once you are married?

You and your children should not have to vacate your home in order for her to visit with her father. Jen is an adult, and if she prefers to avoid the reality of your existence, it's her choice. Her father could visit with her elsewhere the day before or after Thanksgiving.
Flat | Top-Level Comments Only
cereta: (ivanova)

[personal profile] cereta 2016-11-14 06:53 pm (UTC)(link)
This is going to sound cold, but I think that the LW should be taking a hard look at her financial situation. Is her name on the mortgage to that house she wasn't allowed to live in? She and "Allen" absolutely need to have a serious conversation, and she absolutely needs to put her foot down, but she also needs to think about what happens if Allen insists that they cater to Jen's demands, and she needs to do that before they are any more legally entangled than they already are.

(Note: I admit to being in a pessimistic mood, here, so take this with a grain of salt.)
eleanorjane: The one, the only, Harley Quinn. (Default)

[personal profile] eleanorjane 2016-11-14 09:29 pm (UTC)(link)
Yeah, I tend to feel the same way. Why has Allen not put his foot down about this shit already?
tielan: (Default)

[personal profile] tielan 2016-11-15 01:29 am (UTC)(link)
+1
jadelennox: Senora Sabasa Garcia, by Goya (Default)

[personal profile] jadelennox 2016-11-15 06:04 pm (UTC)(link)
that's not cold, that's pragmatic. The 1st demand was one you could see somebody caving on because it's temporary. But caving to a demand that that your girlfriend leave her own home, take her children out of their own home on Thanksgiving, that's not going to end well.
fairestcat: Dreadful the cat (Default)

[personal profile] fairestcat 2016-11-14 08:57 pm (UTC)(link)
I was the teenage daughter in a similar situation, although in my case my parents divorced because my dad had found a new partner, and for the first few years I wanted nothing to do with my now-step-mother, but even with that experience I think the daughter is way out of line here. After they were living together, I would never have expected my SM to leave her own house for my comfort. If I didn't want to see her I would, and did, request to meet up with my dad elsewhere.
xenacryst: Peanuts charactor looking ... (Peanuts: quizzical me)

[personal profile] xenacryst 2016-11-14 11:32 pm (UTC)(link)
Hrm? What's going on between Allen and his kids, Jen in particular? Why did it take a year for them to know about you? That seems like a while, especially if it was a couple of years ago and they were presumably both still living at home... with their mom, I guess? And what's been going on with Jen in the past two years that she *has* known about you? Did this come out of the blue, or is this building? If it's been building, what's Allen done about it? Anything? There's more here, but what we've got to work with isn't the prettiest, and it really doesn't bode well for you. Allen doesn't have your back, is what it is, and he's letting *something* from his and Jen's past dictate your life with him. Figure it out, and solve it or leave it.
Flat | Top-Level Comments Only