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Two questions about pets
1. DEAR SOMEONE ELSE’S MOM: Both my son and his new wife were raised in homes with pets. They also grew up in homes with incomes comfortable enough to take excellent care of those pets.
Because of the pandemic, they didn’t get to have a honeymoon when they got married last year. Instead, they decided to adopt a special needs puppy, who has since required one major surgery and several minor procedures.
I am proud of the young people for being willing to take on such a challenge. But I am disappointed for them that their caring cost them their honeymoon because they used the money they had set aside for it to cover the expenses of some of the veterinary care.
My worry is that this sweet pup of theirs is going to continue to drain their finances to the point that they will have to put off the next big steps of buying a home, which they no longer seem to talk about, and for all I know, starting a family.
Is this level of devotion to a pet worth it? I never say anything, and have even sent them a little money towards the treatments when I can, but it all just seems too much. --- PET LOVERS’ MOM
DEAR PET LOVERS’ MOM: We Americans spend more money taking care of our furry family members than anyone else in the world. So your son’s and his wife’s devotion to their puppy is far from uncommon. They apparently purposely chose a dog for whom they felt they could do some good.
In both the short and long run, as difficult as it may sometimes be for you to see what they’re willing to sacrifice for your grandpup, it’s their decision — just as it’s yours to pitch in to help as you’re able. Perhaps there will come a time in the near future when all the treatments will pay off, and the young couple will be able to begin to budget for other things.
https://www.uexpress.com/life/ask-someone-elses-mom/2022/01/06
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2. DEAR NATALIE: My boyfriend of three years decided that his New Year’s resolution would be a clean break from our relationship. He said that he hasn’t been happy for months and wanted “to clear the air.” I am really hurt. Also, we have a dog and two cats and he wants to keep all of the animals with him. Not only did he spring this break-up on me, but now he wants to have all the pets, too? When I told him I wanted to share the animals, he told me, “that would be weird.” Well, I think it’s weird that he thinks he can just have whatever he wants, however he wants. I’m so disgusted. My friends are telling me to just move out and move on, but our pets are like my children. I can’t and won’t just abandon them. Any ideas on how to deal with the real dog in this situation and get my pets back, too? – RUFF TIME
DEAR RUFF TIME: Just because he doesn’t want to be in a relationship with you anymore doesn’t mean he gets to dictate the terms of the breakup. This all sounds like he is on a power trip, too. What I would first figure out is who paid for the animals? Who took care of them primarily? Did one of you favor the cats over the dog? Did one of you have the animal/s prior to the relationship? Start there as a way to deal with this. For example, if he had the dog before you were together, he probably has a good case for keeping it. But, if you bought the animals together, you may have to make a choice as to who keeps which pets. Maybe the cats should stay together? Maybe the dog goes with one of you and the cats with the other? Sharing custody of them probably won’t work well if you aren’t getting along – and it sounds as though you aren’t. Plus, animals do better in a stable environment and may not fare well being shuffled back and forth to different locations each week or month. He has to meet you halfway unless he had them all before you got together. On the other hand, a clean break may be what is in your best interest, too. Maybe getting a new pet that is all your own is a good solution. But, if that feels too sad to think about leaving yours behind, try to work it through first. He may realize having three pets to take care of on his own isn’t as fun as he thinks and will give in and compromise.
https://www.uexpress.com/life/ask-natalie/2022/01/05
Because of the pandemic, they didn’t get to have a honeymoon when they got married last year. Instead, they decided to adopt a special needs puppy, who has since required one major surgery and several minor procedures.
I am proud of the young people for being willing to take on such a challenge. But I am disappointed for them that their caring cost them their honeymoon because they used the money they had set aside for it to cover the expenses of some of the veterinary care.
My worry is that this sweet pup of theirs is going to continue to drain their finances to the point that they will have to put off the next big steps of buying a home, which they no longer seem to talk about, and for all I know, starting a family.
Is this level of devotion to a pet worth it? I never say anything, and have even sent them a little money towards the treatments when I can, but it all just seems too much. --- PET LOVERS’ MOM
DEAR PET LOVERS’ MOM: We Americans spend more money taking care of our furry family members than anyone else in the world. So your son’s and his wife’s devotion to their puppy is far from uncommon. They apparently purposely chose a dog for whom they felt they could do some good.
In both the short and long run, as difficult as it may sometimes be for you to see what they’re willing to sacrifice for your grandpup, it’s their decision — just as it’s yours to pitch in to help as you’re able. Perhaps there will come a time in the near future when all the treatments will pay off, and the young couple will be able to begin to budget for other things.
https://www.uexpress.com/life/ask-someone-elses-mom/2022/01/06
2. DEAR NATALIE: My boyfriend of three years decided that his New Year’s resolution would be a clean break from our relationship. He said that he hasn’t been happy for months and wanted “to clear the air.” I am really hurt. Also, we have a dog and two cats and he wants to keep all of the animals with him. Not only did he spring this break-up on me, but now he wants to have all the pets, too? When I told him I wanted to share the animals, he told me, “that would be weird.” Well, I think it’s weird that he thinks he can just have whatever he wants, however he wants. I’m so disgusted. My friends are telling me to just move out and move on, but our pets are like my children. I can’t and won’t just abandon them. Any ideas on how to deal with the real dog in this situation and get my pets back, too? – RUFF TIME
DEAR RUFF TIME: Just because he doesn’t want to be in a relationship with you anymore doesn’t mean he gets to dictate the terms of the breakup. This all sounds like he is on a power trip, too. What I would first figure out is who paid for the animals? Who took care of them primarily? Did one of you favor the cats over the dog? Did one of you have the animal/s prior to the relationship? Start there as a way to deal with this. For example, if he had the dog before you were together, he probably has a good case for keeping it. But, if you bought the animals together, you may have to make a choice as to who keeps which pets. Maybe the cats should stay together? Maybe the dog goes with one of you and the cats with the other? Sharing custody of them probably won’t work well if you aren’t getting along – and it sounds as though you aren’t. Plus, animals do better in a stable environment and may not fare well being shuffled back and forth to different locations each week or month. He has to meet you halfway unless he had them all before you got together. On the other hand, a clean break may be what is in your best interest, too. Maybe getting a new pet that is all your own is a good solution. But, if that feels too sad to think about leaving yours behind, try to work it through first. He may realize having three pets to take care of on his own isn’t as fun as he thinks and will give in and compromise.
https://www.uexpress.com/life/ask-natalie/2022/01/05
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As for LW2, I have no advice* and all I can say is "Thank goodness they don't have children".
* Well, I do, but "steal the animals, change your name, run away to the other side of the country" is bad advice.
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if the LW has evidence like that showing she is the owner, she should absolutely use it in this case. If not, but she has receipts showing that she cared for the pet under an assumption of joint ownership, that can also help.
Pet custody cases are no fun for anyone. :(
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It's not actually stealing the animals if she has as much legal right to the animals as he does
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Not if she's their legal owner. Pets aren't children; they're legal property.
And if the paper trail sets her up as sole, primary, or joint owner then she has a solid case if he wants to act like a dick about it and take her to court over it.
In the meantime, she has the ability to chip them, vet them, and insure them in her sole name to establish/reinforce her ownership status.
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But let's say they're legally joint owners. If she takes the advice I didn't give, and removes the animals, changes her name, and goes across the country, then this is theft.
Just as much as if she did the same to the children, or to the television they purchased using the joint account.
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I'm arguing that even if she is truly a joint owner and not a full owner (not enough info to know), creating the paper trail of ownership when you have possession the animal is not particularly onerous, assuming you have money or credit to throw at the problem. In the name of self protection it's probably LW's best course of action to keep the pets/send them to a safe place, document everything, and work to make sure every document she's able to get shows her as sole owner in case she needs to prove it later.
While what you describe could arguably be considered "theft" in the vernacular sense, it is not be larceny (theft in a legal sense) depending on jurisdiction. No larceny? No crime. For example, in New York state: an equal joint owner of a piece of property is by definition incapable of "stealing" that property. Source
ExBF would, depending on jurisdiction, be stuck pursuing damages or return of the pets through civil court, which is an expensive pain in the ass. Making it difficult for him to "get" the pets forces him to either choose either the clean break he wants/needs or the possibility of being awarded ownership of the animals. He doesn't get to have both.
Either way, he has a miserable time of it, and that is some pretty sweet revenge for the LW who should absolutely let her self be angry at this guy.
It's not the sudden breakup that makes me feel petty and vindictive; it's the fact that he unilaterally decided that he was keeping the animals without any input from the LW or attempt at meaningful compromise (ie, splitting the pride rather pet sharing in perpetuity)
Also: this is a conversation my ex and I had around week 4. We determined that each person would exit the relationship with any pets and property they brought to the relationship, and that any pets adopted jointly would remain on the continent where they were located at the time of breakup pending a meaningful case against it. (We were long distance.)
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LW2: You need to sit down with your ex and talk. That's going to suck. Sorry. If either of you entered the relationship with the pet, you should exit with it unless the other person took over the majority of care during the relationship. (i.e. my sister who took over all the vet visits, making sure there was dog food in the house, and exercising her ex's dog, kept the dog. The dog at that point was putting himself between the two and growling at ex.)
Healing is going to suck, LW2. I think therapy will help. In the long run you aren't stuck with this abusive jerk and that's going to be a blessing.
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LW2 Tbh I'd talk to a lawyer first, and then the ex. But he also makes me feel petty and vindictive.
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Also, what kind of answer is "That would be weird"? Weird for LW#2 to keep at least one of her pets? What an utter jerk he is.
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contemplates
More likely, but yeah, still an asshole answer.
I just hate it when people say "that is weird" as a dismissive conversation ender. "Weird" is so subjective as to be almost useless, and appeals to some concept of 'normality' which often doesn't exist. Plus it's pretty clear he wants to take all the pets just to hurt LW#2 extra. I am unimpressed with him.
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Whether something like that is happening here, we have no way of knowing.
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That's a good point. LW certainly won't tell us if she actually can't take care of the pets. My responses have been assuming that she cares so much because she's be doing the caretaking, but that is an assumption.
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A custody arrangement means that the relationship between the humams has to continue. Honestly I don't blame the boyfriend for wanting the breakup to be a breakup and not an emotionally laborious transition to a new kind of relationship. But I also think that, assuming no abuse or neglect and depending on the relationships among the animals, fairness probably dictates that the lw should get to keep some of the pets.
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I'm with you. I think, "it would be weird" here means, "that isn't a clean break and I don't want to do that."
Also, it is really unusual to do shared custody of a pet, which is neither here nor there.
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LW1: special needs animals need homes too but I see where she's coming from and feel for her. (I had the same kneekjerk reaction because it's a dog, and I wouldn't take those measures for a dog, whereas I would for a cat.)
LW2: LW's ex's reluctance reads like "shared custody of the pets is not a clean break and I'm not open to it." Which is fair. Then, making the big assumption that the LW is competent to keep the pets ... exBF does not get to make the unilateral decision about "and I get to keep the pets". Because that, unlike breaking up, is not a decision that can be made unilaterally. (Personally I'd divide the pets along how closely are the animals bonded to one another, which may or may not be cat/dog lines.
My old roommate and I miss each other's cats, but one of mine was a big bully to her cat and D was very happy to not be living with my cat any more.)
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