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Two controlling men for the price of one!
These are from the same Ask Harriet column, so I'll link at the top.
1. DEAR HARRIETTE: I bought some expensive shoes, and my husband found out and told me to take them back to the store. Bills are tight, and he was counting on using the money to buy our car new tires. I took them to the store, and they told me they don’t give refunds. My husband was understanding and told me to keep the shoes, that I deserve them and he would figure out a way to get the money for new tires.
I felt guilty for not talking to him before a big purchase, so I was able to sell the shoes to someone and get the money back. But my husband was upset that I got rid of the shoes after he told me to keep them. He feels like I keep undermining him as a man, but I was only trying to right my wrongs. I’m so confused. Did I do the right thing? -- Gender Roles
DEAR GENDER ROLES: What you need is clearer communication. It’s understandable that you felt guilty after not communicating your desire for the shoes to your husband before buying them. Your guilt, however, continued to drive your actions without keeping your husband in the loop.
Now you two need to sit down and talk. Tell your husband you were not trying to undermine him. Explain that you felt bad and wanted to right your wrong. You now realize it would have been much better to talk it through with him. You could have mentioned that you would look to see if you could sell the shoes. Who knows if he would have liked that idea? To get on the same page, make an effort to talk to each other more and work through your issues and differences. This should help to bring you closer.
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2. DEAR HARRIETTE: My fiancee and I are police officers. We met on the job, and I would tell her while we were dating that one day I would marry her, and she could quit the job so I would know she would be safe.
Now that we are engaged, I brought up the topic of her quitting, and she just keeps brushing it off and making excuses. I didn’t make a fuss because I know she loves the job. Now she is pregnant and still wants to work desk duty until she delivers the baby and wants to return to work after delivering the baby. I don’t think we both need to be working full-time and putting our newborn baby into daycare. How can I approach this conversation and get her to understand where I am coming from? -- Stay at Home
DEAR STAY AT HOME: It sounds like you told your fiancee many times that you would make it possible for her to stop working after you were married. Did you ever ask her if that’s what she wanted? Your note sounds like you made the presumption that she agreed. Did she ever tell you her desires?
Right now, it sounds like she clearly wants to keep working. You two have to work this out together. You cannot decide for her what she is going to do. As a family, you need to talk it out, figure out options for child care and your careers. Just because your thinking makes perfect sense to you does not mean that she shares your beliefs. Do your best not to try to coerce her into your way of thinking. Talk it out and make a plan together.
1. DEAR HARRIETTE: I bought some expensive shoes, and my husband found out and told me to take them back to the store. Bills are tight, and he was counting on using the money to buy our car new tires. I took them to the store, and they told me they don’t give refunds. My husband was understanding and told me to keep the shoes, that I deserve them and he would figure out a way to get the money for new tires.
I felt guilty for not talking to him before a big purchase, so I was able to sell the shoes to someone and get the money back. But my husband was upset that I got rid of the shoes after he told me to keep them. He feels like I keep undermining him as a man, but I was only trying to right my wrongs. I’m so confused. Did I do the right thing? -- Gender Roles
DEAR GENDER ROLES: What you need is clearer communication. It’s understandable that you felt guilty after not communicating your desire for the shoes to your husband before buying them. Your guilt, however, continued to drive your actions without keeping your husband in the loop.
Now you two need to sit down and talk. Tell your husband you were not trying to undermine him. Explain that you felt bad and wanted to right your wrong. You now realize it would have been much better to talk it through with him. You could have mentioned that you would look to see if you could sell the shoes. Who knows if he would have liked that idea? To get on the same page, make an effort to talk to each other more and work through your issues and differences. This should help to bring you closer.
2. DEAR HARRIETTE: My fiancee and I are police officers. We met on the job, and I would tell her while we were dating that one day I would marry her, and she could quit the job so I would know she would be safe.
Now that we are engaged, I brought up the topic of her quitting, and she just keeps brushing it off and making excuses. I didn’t make a fuss because I know she loves the job. Now she is pregnant and still wants to work desk duty until she delivers the baby and wants to return to work after delivering the baby. I don’t think we both need to be working full-time and putting our newborn baby into daycare. How can I approach this conversation and get her to understand where I am coming from? -- Stay at Home
DEAR STAY AT HOME: It sounds like you told your fiancee many times that you would make it possible for her to stop working after you were married. Did you ever ask her if that’s what she wanted? Your note sounds like you made the presumption that she agreed. Did she ever tell you her desires?
Right now, it sounds like she clearly wants to keep working. You two have to work this out together. You cannot decide for her what she is going to do. As a family, you need to talk it out, figure out options for child care and your careers. Just because your thinking makes perfect sense to you does not mean that she shares your beliefs. Do your best not to try to coerce her into your way of thinking. Talk it out and make a plan together.
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She thought they had enough flex that she could buy these new shoes. (It's not clear whether she needed new shoes or simply wanted them, nor if a cheaper pair would suffice.) She either didn't have an accurate picture of their finances, or she didn't have a clear understanding of how their car functions and when the tires need replacing. (I'm assuming the car did need new tires.)
As an adult, she should definitely have a good idea about whether their budget can afford a new pair of shoes, or if she should discuss that with her partner first, or if there's no way and she should either put that idea aside or get them out of her own spending money rather than the shared funds. Lack of knowledge about your household money is the next step to lack of free access to your household money.
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I sincerely do not believe they were the people behaving appropriately in those cases, so I'm not very sympathetic to the letter writer in #1. Although the masculinity stuff there is bizarre.
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