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Dear Care and Feeding,
My son has been married for more than 10 years. We’ve never seen eye to eye, but I never disliked his wife, “Sally,” until his son came along. A lovely young woman, “Allison,” gave my son the gift of a son, and of course she and the boy are the light of our lives now, and part of our family. Sally has never been polite/accepting of Allison, and though she’s never been rude to the boy (of course, my son would never allow it!), she’s never shown any motherly instincts or tried to bond with him. My son sees his boy two to three times a week at Allison’s home and is an excellent, involved father.
My grandson had his fourth birthday during quarantine, so we made the family gathering a bit of a party for him. We haven’t had a picture together for more than a year, so we decided to take one to commemorate the family being together again. As the focus was my grandson, I obviously asked Sally to kindly step out of the picture so that his family would be pictured for his fourth birthday. She unkindly refused and even tried to drag my son into it, who obviously didn’t support her and pointed out she was being disrespectful. She got very quiet and said she wanted to leave, and when my son said he wouldn’t, she called a cab and went home alone.
Since then, Sally hasn’t reached out or made any attempts at reconciliation at all. I would like an apology, but I would settle for her to publicly acknowledge that she ruined my grandson’s party and acted like the child herself. She’s never tried to be family to the child, and then she gets offended when it’s acknowledged that she’s not family. My son says to let it slide for his sake and pick my battles with her, but I think that’s letting her off too easy. She has not even tried to talk to me since the party, and I fear my son is too easy on her as he lives with her most of the time despite the child, so I think she needs a reality check, but I don’t want to make things more difficult for my son unless it needs to be. What is the best way to get through to her that she needs an attitude check and should improve her behavior? She couldn’t have children, so my grandson being in her life should have been a cause for celebration and gratefulness, so I have no idea what she’s thinking and have nowhere to start!
—Family Is Everything
Dear FIE,
If I am reading correctly, your son had a child outside of his marriage to a woman who is unable to have children, and you are asking for her to accept this in “celebration and gratefulness”? If so, oh … oh, my.
Sally decided to remain in this relationship, which does mean that she should embrace this child and nurture him as a stepmother—though I wonder how that relationship has been fostered if visitation takes place at his mom’s house (and I certainly hope that the Dad/Allison relationship has morphed into one solely focused on co-parenting and not whatever was going on that led to this situation in the first place). However, there’s a lot of healing work that needs to go into making something like that work, and I don’t get the impression that the two adults who needed to drive that have made those strides yet.
Regardless of how Sally and your son may have dropped the ball, I’m curious as to why on earth you would ask your daughter-in-law to step out of a family picture when she is, in fact, family. A shot of the boy and his two parents would be one thing (and you’d still take one that also included the stepmom, as she is part of the parent team!), but it sounds like you all literally excluded her on purpose because she is not the child’s biological mother, or, perhaps, because you don’t like her. And that is awful.
This is a mess that your son made, and you have a responsibility to not make things worse by ostracizing your daughter-in-law, who may be a huge jerk but is also someone who seems to have gotten cheated on by a man who got someone pregnant, possibly while knowing that she herself could not bear children. It isn’t for you to decide that she should simply be grateful to have a kid around, but even if it were, you then turned around and said she wasn’t a member of his family! Have some empathy for her and stay in your place. If you want to be helpful, talk to your son about what sort of steps he has taken to heal his marriage and create a bond between his child and his wife.
https://slate.com/human-interest/2020/11/dealing-with-racist-friends-care-and-feeding.html
My son has been married for more than 10 years. We’ve never seen eye to eye, but I never disliked his wife, “Sally,” until his son came along. A lovely young woman, “Allison,” gave my son the gift of a son, and of course she and the boy are the light of our lives now, and part of our family. Sally has never been polite/accepting of Allison, and though she’s never been rude to the boy (of course, my son would never allow it!), she’s never shown any motherly instincts or tried to bond with him. My son sees his boy two to three times a week at Allison’s home and is an excellent, involved father.
My grandson had his fourth birthday during quarantine, so we made the family gathering a bit of a party for him. We haven’t had a picture together for more than a year, so we decided to take one to commemorate the family being together again. As the focus was my grandson, I obviously asked Sally to kindly step out of the picture so that his family would be pictured for his fourth birthday. She unkindly refused and even tried to drag my son into it, who obviously didn’t support her and pointed out she was being disrespectful. She got very quiet and said she wanted to leave, and when my son said he wouldn’t, she called a cab and went home alone.
Since then, Sally hasn’t reached out or made any attempts at reconciliation at all. I would like an apology, but I would settle for her to publicly acknowledge that she ruined my grandson’s party and acted like the child herself. She’s never tried to be family to the child, and then she gets offended when it’s acknowledged that she’s not family. My son says to let it slide for his sake and pick my battles with her, but I think that’s letting her off too easy. She has not even tried to talk to me since the party, and I fear my son is too easy on her as he lives with her most of the time despite the child, so I think she needs a reality check, but I don’t want to make things more difficult for my son unless it needs to be. What is the best way to get through to her that she needs an attitude check and should improve her behavior? She couldn’t have children, so my grandson being in her life should have been a cause for celebration and gratefulness, so I have no idea what she’s thinking and have nowhere to start!
—Family Is Everything
Dear FIE,
If I am reading correctly, your son had a child outside of his marriage to a woman who is unable to have children, and you are asking for her to accept this in “celebration and gratefulness”? If so, oh … oh, my.
Sally decided to remain in this relationship, which does mean that she should embrace this child and nurture him as a stepmother—though I wonder how that relationship has been fostered if visitation takes place at his mom’s house (and I certainly hope that the Dad/Allison relationship has morphed into one solely focused on co-parenting and not whatever was going on that led to this situation in the first place). However, there’s a lot of healing work that needs to go into making something like that work, and I don’t get the impression that the two adults who needed to drive that have made those strides yet.
Regardless of how Sally and your son may have dropped the ball, I’m curious as to why on earth you would ask your daughter-in-law to step out of a family picture when she is, in fact, family. A shot of the boy and his two parents would be one thing (and you’d still take one that also included the stepmom, as she is part of the parent team!), but it sounds like you all literally excluded her on purpose because she is not the child’s biological mother, or, perhaps, because you don’t like her. And that is awful.
This is a mess that your son made, and you have a responsibility to not make things worse by ostracizing your daughter-in-law, who may be a huge jerk but is also someone who seems to have gotten cheated on by a man who got someone pregnant, possibly while knowing that she herself could not bear children. It isn’t for you to decide that she should simply be grateful to have a kid around, but even if it were, you then turned around and said she wasn’t a member of his family! Have some empathy for her and stay in your place. If you want to be helpful, talk to your son about what sort of steps he has taken to heal his marriage and create a bond between his child and his wife.
https://slate.com/human-interest/2020/11/dealing-with-racist-friends-care-and-feeding.html
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Not because she is apparently willing to forgive her husband's infidelity, nor even because she is clearly making an effort not to totally swamp his relationship with his son... but because she didn't punch LW in her snotty asshole face at this party.
And honestly? LW's son doesn't sound like a prize. Again, not because of the infidelity nor his efforts to be present for his son, but for defending his asshole parents. Bad move in any situation, but in his? He should be way, way more conciliatory to her at all times, especially when she's forced into a situation where she is visibly confronted with the fact that he cheated on her.
I hope she gets out. She can do better.
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T and I just tried to fanwank a scenario where LW is unaware of a consensual polyamorous co-parenting situation, or where Sally willingly entered into an agreement where the child-wanting Son could impregnate a third party, and we still couldn't defend Son's behavior, let alone LW's.
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"My son sees his boy two to three times a week at Allison’s home"
and
"he lives with her most of the time despite the child" (emphasis mine)
as saying that the Son spends a couple of nights a week with his girlfriend? In a relationship that his wife clearly doesn't consent to?
Also, it is 100% obvious that LW isn't okay with Sally except for the kid, that she'd rather her son dumped her like the infertile failure of a woman that she is.
Seriously, Sally, DTMFA. And shoot his mother directly into the son.
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LW is clearly trying to push Sally out of the family because of grandbabies.
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You need to apologize to her.
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- Son had an affair that produced a child.
- Somehow, as part of whatever arrangement has been made, son is not living with his wife full time. Best guess is that he is living with his (ex?)mistress and child, which is certainly an interesting way to handle custody.
- Son's parents instant made grandson and grandson's mother the bright center of their universe.
- In the process, they appear to have dropped their (infertile) daughter-in-law like a hot potato, literally declaring her not-family.
- LW thinks Sally owes her an apology.
I have all that correct, right? Because honestly: the only reason I'm believing this is real is that no one could make something that bananas up.no subject
ETA: Huh, I may be 100% wrong. I went to slate to look at the comments and someone linked to this AITA: AITA for getting upset at my in laws after they put a Disney-style family portrait which includes the woman my husband cheated on me with/mother of his illegitimate son in their living room?, complete with infertile OP.
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...How did this kid come into existence? Was Sally involved in the process? Was she AWARE of the process? Does Allison know that the letter writer sees her as having gift someone "the gift of a son"????? It doesn't sound like a "gift" she gave anyone. It doesn't sound planned. It sounds like an affair. Plus she's got custody of the kid! Is the dad paying support?
And then LW tried to kick the son's wife out of a family picture, because Sally didn't give birth to the grandchild???? WTF????? " She’s never tried to be family to the child, and then she gets offended when it’s acknowledged that she’s not family." ...Sally doesn't act like family to the child, who it sounds like was the product of an affair and not a child she is adopting or raising, and so Sally becomes the one who isn't family??? I'm all for counting the kid and his mom as family, but ffs, Sally is married to the LW's son! That makes her family! That's called your daughter-in-law!
"She couldn’t have children, so my grandson being in her life should have been a cause for celebration and gratefulness, so I have no idea what she’s thinking and have nowhere to start!" Possibly she is thinking that the grandson is not in her life, the grandson lives with his mom and sees his dad every few days, and is not Sally's kid at all? And that things would, in fact, be different if the kid was actually a "gift of a son" that was given to this couple, instead of a gift given to the son alone?
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There are SO MANY THINGS WRONG WITH THIS LETTER.
(And I say this as a 3rd parental figure to my partners' biological child, but there is no way that any of this reads like consensual polyamory or a family-of-choice situation -- Sally sounds like she's getting frozen out on all sides!)
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It sounds as if the entire family has been gaslighting Sally and she's now waking up that she's only 'family' if she behaves within the very narrow parameters of acceptability they've established in this totally bizarre set-up.
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