DEAR NATALIE: My brother and I were totally traumatized by our abusive mother growing up. It really impacted us both differently. I have sought therapy and moved away from the city where we grew up. I don’t really talk to my mother often because when I do, it becomes heated really quickly, with both of us saying hurtful things. My brother, on the other hand, has stayed close to my mother and resents me for leaving. He even took her side on more than one occasion. It is astounding to me that after all the abuse we experienced as kids that he can be around her. It has really put a strain on our relationship, too. I love my brother so much and want to have him in my life, especially now that my husband and I are expecting our first child this spring. But how can I move forward if he won’t acknowledge what she did to us? -- WANTS HER BROTHER BACK

DEAR WANTS HER BROTHER BACK: A teacher of mine in graduate school said something interesting about abuse in families: Even with an abusive parent, children may have different memories of their experiences. You may remember the abuse, but he may not have perceived it or internalized her behaviors in the same way. You’re different people with different experiences, even when exposed to the same person. This could partly be why your brother doesn’t see eye-to-eye with you. You dealt with your trauma head-on, seeking therapy and taking the necessary steps to mitigate the toxic relationship you had with your mother. Your brother, on the other hand, has run toward her, not away. There’s a wedge now between you and your brother because of how you both choose to relate to her as adults. The best thing you can do is to recognize these differences and try to move beyond them so you can spend meaningful time with your brother. You may want to have a heart-to-heart with him and say, “Look, I know we remember our childhoods differently. You know how I feel about mom, but I would love to have you back in my life more. With the baby on the way, I want you around your niece or nephew and be part of our lives. Can we make a pact not to let mom come between us?” See what he says. You aren’t being defensive — you are approaching him with love. He may be caught off guard and share some of the emotional baggage that he may be carrying around. If he does, listen with an open heart and mind, validate his feelings and remind him that you are always there for him. It could be just the thing to open the floodgates and create a more meaningful connection.

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