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What do you do when your brother takes your abusive mother’s side?
DEAR NATALIE: My brother and I were totally traumatized by our abusive mother growing up. It really impacted us both differently. I have sought therapy and moved away from the city where we grew up. I don’t really talk to my mother often because when I do, it becomes heated really quickly, with both of us saying hurtful things. My brother, on the other hand, has stayed close to my mother and resents me for leaving. He even took her side on more than one occasion. It is astounding to me that after all the abuse we experienced as kids that he can be around her. It has really put a strain on our relationship, too. I love my brother so much and want to have him in my life, especially now that my husband and I are expecting our first child this spring. But how can I move forward if he won’t acknowledge what she did to us? -- WANTS HER BROTHER BACK
DEAR WANTS HER BROTHER BACK: A teacher of mine in graduate school said something interesting about abuse in families: Even with an abusive parent, children may have different memories of their experiences. You may remember the abuse, but he may not have perceived it or internalized her behaviors in the same way. You’re different people with different experiences, even when exposed to the same person. This could partly be why your brother doesn’t see eye-to-eye with you. You dealt with your trauma head-on, seeking therapy and taking the necessary steps to mitigate the toxic relationship you had with your mother. Your brother, on the other hand, has run toward her, not away. There’s a wedge now between you and your brother because of how you both choose to relate to her as adults. The best thing you can do is to recognize these differences and try to move beyond them so you can spend meaningful time with your brother. You may want to have a heart-to-heart with him and say, “Look, I know we remember our childhoods differently. You know how I feel about mom, but I would love to have you back in my life more. With the baby on the way, I want you around your niece or nephew and be part of our lives. Can we make a pact not to let mom come between us?” See what he says. You aren’t being defensive — you are approaching him with love. He may be caught off guard and share some of the emotional baggage that he may be carrying around. If he does, listen with an open heart and mind, validate his feelings and remind him that you are always there for him. It could be just the thing to open the floodgates and create a more meaningful connection.
https://www.uexpress.com/ask-natalie/2020/1/15/what-do-you-do-when-your
DEAR WANTS HER BROTHER BACK: A teacher of mine in graduate school said something interesting about abuse in families: Even with an abusive parent, children may have different memories of their experiences. You may remember the abuse, but he may not have perceived it or internalized her behaviors in the same way. You’re different people with different experiences, even when exposed to the same person. This could partly be why your brother doesn’t see eye-to-eye with you. You dealt with your trauma head-on, seeking therapy and taking the necessary steps to mitigate the toxic relationship you had with your mother. Your brother, on the other hand, has run toward her, not away. There’s a wedge now between you and your brother because of how you both choose to relate to her as adults. The best thing you can do is to recognize these differences and try to move beyond them so you can spend meaningful time with your brother. You may want to have a heart-to-heart with him and say, “Look, I know we remember our childhoods differently. You know how I feel about mom, but I would love to have you back in my life more. With the baby on the way, I want you around your niece or nephew and be part of our lives. Can we make a pact not to let mom come between us?” See what he says. You aren’t being defensive — you are approaching him with love. He may be caught off guard and share some of the emotional baggage that he may be carrying around. If he does, listen with an open heart and mind, validate his feelings and remind him that you are always there for him. It could be just the thing to open the floodgates and create a more meaningful connection.
https://www.uexpress.com/ask-natalie/2020/1/15/what-do-you-do-when-your
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My abusive mother did the Black Sheep/Golden Child thing, and openly encouraged my brother to spy and tattle on me and get me in trouble. I could do no right, he could do no wrong.
She keeps him close by being extremely financially generous to him and his family, including paying his wife to stay home with their 3 kids until they started school — I had to work long hours and struggle to pay for daycare.
He’s got his own problems (never been truly independent, is drawn to authority figures to tell him how to live his life, had some issues with drugs and gambling addiction before he got born-again in NA, now his church tells him how to live), whereas I built my life on my own terms, even though it was difficult.
But, yes, he remembers his childhood very differently than I do, and genuinely doesn’t seem to understand why I keep my distance from my mother.
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And I echo, All good luck, LW.
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So I think the actual problem is his relationship with their mother. She may think that relationship is due to him not acknowledging the abuse, because--in her view--if he did, he would also be estranged (she's astounded he can be around her after all the abuse), hence her question is basically 'how do I solve root cause aka denying abuse'.
The answer either way is the same: you cannot make someone else do something. And you have to do what is right for your mental and emotional health. But first, you have to know what exactly it is that you want and what you will do if you can't have it and here's how to get started.
If/when you decide you need to sit down and talk with your brother about continuing the relationship, before the conversation even starts, you need to find out what you want. You need to be ready to ask him--explicitly and clearly--about how he views your childhood and the abuse you both suffered--and be ready for his answer. Go over his potential answers: he denies it, acknowledges it, minimizes it, refuses to talk about it? Assume all four are equally possible. Each of these answers, add in your head 'and has a relationship with our mother', and decide which one of those--any or all--are dealbreakers. There is no 'maybe'; if you cannot say 'yes', it's probably a 'no' you softened. This is not a place you can do that. When you have all four answers clear in your head and what you will do in the event of each, call him and set up a time to talk.
There's nothing wrong with deciding you cannot have a relationship with your brother as long as he has one with your mother; this is your mental health and well-being and your entire life at stake. It's not about how much you love him or he loves you; it's about a relationship's impact on your mental health, emotional well-being, and life.
Nothing will make it less painful if giving up the relationship ends up being your decision--it's going to be painful--but making all this explicit to yourself before the conversation may at least minimize the shock and start preparing for what happens. If you don't have a therapist currently, this would be a very good time to get one.