agonyaunt | Ask Amy: Woman wrestles with adoption dilemma

Dear Amy: I am a woman who was adopted by maternal family members when I was a child. They were honest with me about my birth mother's history (addiction). I had no contact with my birth mother.

My birth father had not been told of my existence, and once he learned about me, he searched for and found me. He considered pursuing custody, but ultimately decided against it. This happened when I was seven years old, and the adoption was being finalized.

My birth father and I reconnected when I was 20, and we have had a very fulfilling relationship since then. He is incredibly respectful of my adoption and allows everything to move at a pace where I am comfortable.

My adoptive mother is very uncomfortable about my relationship with my biological father. She is still hurt from the time when I was seven and he considered pursuing custody.

I'm wondering how I should handle family events where I would like both sides of my family involved, like weddings, graduations, etc.?

My mom refuses to meet or acknowledge my biological father. She faults him for what happened when I was a child.

He is incredibly grateful to them and respectful of their boundaries.

I understand her pain but don't want to exclude people I consider family, (including my father's other children -- my half-siblings), from important events in my son's and my own life.

-- Stuck in the Middle

Dear Stuck: Your biological father should independently reach out to your family in order to acknowledge the lifesaving role they have played, and to respectfully ask to meet them. You should reassure them that meeting your biological father does not change the primary role your family has played in your life, or how you feel about them.

Adoptive parents can feel threatened when their children connect with bio-relatives. This is a very tender and upsetting reminder of your -- and their -- vulnerability. But family love is special -- the stronger and healthier it is, the more expansive it becomes -- making room for more.

After expressing your hope for a congenial meeting, you will then have to move forward, making adult choices about inclusion during landmark events. Invite everyone you want to invite, and leave their choices to attend up to them. In time, they will either adjust -- or they will face the negative impact on your relationship. Move gently forward.

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That advice is more "other people should do this to make you happy" than "here are things you should (or should not) do."

I'd say the first line about what the biodad should do certainly is. The rest of it is preparing LW for the hard truth that they might not be able to have the happy family events that they're hoping for.

This is true, but it sounds like biodad is willing to act to heal the rift, so it's reasonable to ask him if he'd be willing to do this in the name of peace.

I dislike when advice columnists give advice that's out of the LW's control. "You can ask biodad to reach out to adoptive family" is advice. And, honestly, should be paired with "You can reassure adoptive parents that they are your parents and you'll always love them."

The only real advice here is "Invite everyone you want to invite, leave their choices to them, and move gently forward." That's good advice, but I wish Amy had added more about "and think about how to handle the repercussions if real actualfax people are less the platonic ideal of adults that you want them to be, and real actualfax family drama is more painful to the LW than the LW can bear."

...that advice seems like it's boilerplate advice for "I just met [biofamily], how do I help them connect with adoptive family" and completely ignores the previous interactions between biodad and adoptive family.

I mean, maybe "ask them both if you can make a clean start and introduce them as if the events when you were seven had never happened" is the correct advice, but that's not really what the columnist is saying?

Pardon me while I go call my mom, who not only helped both me and my older brother pursue reconnection with our bio families, but basically incorporated brother's half-brother into our family.

Also, insert standard, "this is why it's a BAD THING to keep things like this from people." It's not really the same thing, but it required a mental and emotional adjustment for me to realize that my biological father most likely had no idea I existed.

But none of that deals with the current situation, which I think is best solved by telling the parents that while it's understandable that they still resent the bio father's past actions, it would be really kind of them to put aside for big events. People have put aside much more for much less.

Hrmn. I have three reactions to this, one general and two imaginary.

1) I agree with

melennen that this advice sounds boilerplate. OTOH, maybe there's a place for giving LW ideas of what they might ask for from others that would help the situation.

2) If I were LW's adoptive mother I probably would be holding a grudge. (One of my less optimal qualities is that I tend to.) I also would require myself not to make drama at family events as long as LW's biodad shows no signs of trying to drive a wedge between her and me... but I'd probably be keeping an eye out for such a wedge.

3) I really hope biodad does gently approach LW's mother with thanks and reassurance, and so, so much that LW's mother takes the overture in the spirit it's given. I'm hoping for the best for everyone here.

I’m not challenging your right to feel this way, but — why a grudge?

My birth father had not been told of my existence, and once he learned about me, he searched for and found me. He considered pursuing custody, but ultimately decided against it. This happened when I was seven years old, and the adoption was being finalized.

It sounds like he was kept completely out of the loop about the LW’s *existence* (by the birth mother and her family), and as soon as he discovered that he had fathered a child, he reached out and wanted to be part of their life (and was rebuffed by the adoptive family.)

Then, he reached out to the LW when they were an adult, and established a relationship, and has been respectful about it.

What did he do wrong, to merit a grudge being held?

Honestly, if I were biodad I might be holding a grudge, because one way to read it is "Biodad found out his kid existed, biodad was really excited and wanted to step up as dad, adoptive family pushed him out of kid's life entirely using any means they had".

Adoptive mom's grudge is presumably based entirely on "How dare he try to take my kid away", with whatever justifications required to make that seem like a reasonable basis for a grudge. (Maybe they are good reasons, maybe biodad was super coercive and manifestly unsuitable as a parent. Maybe mom just got irrationally overprotective of her ownership of her kid.)

(It's also possible adoptive parents blame him at least in part for what happened to the kid's biomom, since he was presumably involved with her in some way while she was making very poor choices. It's possible he blames adoptive parents for not even trying to contact him.)

But we've basically got no details as to how what when down when LW was seven went down (and it seems likely that LW still knows only the things about it that a seven-year-old would know) so it's really hard to say who did grudgeworthy things.

That's why I was asking what the reasoning was -- obviously, there are plenty of facts that the LW may not know or have included in the letter, but I'd be more sympathetic for BIO-DAD holding a grudge than ADOPTIVE MOM, absent any bad actions on his part.

Hopefully, both he and the adoptive family can make peace, for LW's sake. I was wondering if I'd missed something that made him more obviously at fault in some way.

I'm not saying he did anything wrong at all. wry smile I didn't say it would be a warranted grudge. But I can certainly see how such a grudge would come to be.

I have two children in my life whom I have no biological connection to, but I've been helping raise them. I love them. If someone who had the power to do so arrived and said to me, "I'm taking these children away from you and you will not see nor interact with them again," I wouldn't be happy. Even if it were the best thing in the world for them -- if it were the best thing for them I would try my best to let go. But I would not be happy and I would associate that person with pain and with possible separation from the children I love and am trying to help take care of, even if it didn't end up happening.

Oh my gosh, "I'm taking these children away from you and you will not see nor interact with them again” would be TERRIFYING and absolutely warrant a grudge!

(I have a wonderful 12-yr-old in my life, in addition to my biological daughter, who I love as a second child but have no legal rights to, so I very much understand and sympathize with that concern.)

I just hope that, since the LW is an adult, the adoptive parents can unbend and allow the LW to have an easier relationship with all the parental figures in their life, including being civil with the birth father on LW’s milestone occasions, rather than making LW feel torn or choose between them (which is a lot more likely to cause resentment than graceful acceptance of his presence.)

I can see why he felt like a threat when LW was 7, but he can’t take LW away, at this point... but they can push LW away by refusing to allow him a place in their life.

Oh, absolutely, I agree with you 110%. Maybe I'm trying to say I hope her mom can behave better than I fear I might. another wry smile

Ask Amy: Woman wrestles with adoption dilemma

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