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agonyaunt2025-01-13 05:59 pm
minoanmiss) wrote in agonyaunt2025-01-13 05:59 pm
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Care & Feeding: My Nephew Said Something Unforgivable to My Daughter....
... My Sister Won't Do ANything About it. Content advisory: Transphobia.
Dear Care and Feeding,
My daughter, who is 15, is transgender. She’s getting gender-affirming care and thriving. Most of our family is supportive.
My problem is with my nephew. My sister and I have always been close, like BFF close, so it was hard when our kids didn’t get along. My daughter is about 2.5 younger than her son, and they’ve never been able to play or interact with each other. At Thanksgiving four years ago (my daughter was 11 and my nephew was 14), my nephew went on a rant about how he hates transgender people, how they are everywhere, and how they should be eliminated. No one said anything to him but me—I asked him if he had ever even met a transgender person, and when he said, “I don’t have to meet one to know they’re bad,” I just moved on to avoid getting into an argument with him. (His father, my brother-in-law, loves it when his kids are outrageous and we engage, so he eggs them on.)
My daughter had not yet come out as trans at this point; she came out about a year later. But she had a vivid memory of this scene, and it was the reason she didn’t want to tell the rest of our family for another year. She had me tell my sister, because she was scared of their family’s reaction. When I told my sister, she seemed ok, so I asked about my nephew, reminding her about his Thanksgiving rant. First, she acted like it had never happened and said she had no memory of it. Then she told me that her son “doesn’t hate transgender people. He hates the hype of trans people.” I asked what hype, and she explained that trans people are in the news all the time now; everyone is saying they are trans for attention nowadays; it’s all hype, hype, hype. She then refused to discuss it anymore.
The end result is my daughter doesn’t really feel safe with my sister’s family. My sister hosts a lot of holidays because she has a big house, and my daughter refuses to go. She will grudgingly go if the get-togethers are at my parents’ house, even if my sister’s family is there, because she feels safer at my parents’ house. But she will not set foot in my sister’s house. My sister is annoyed because if my daughter doesn’t go, neither do I—I’m not going to leave my daughter home alone on a holiday to hang out with my sister’s kids. My sister doesn’t understand why my parents’ house is different, and I can’t really explain it; my daughter just feels safer there.
I feel like we need to have another conversation about her son’s rant about trans people and her dismissiveness. My nephew, who now knows that my daughter is trans, has never said he didn’t mean it or reversed his opinion, much less apologized. So I think it’s pretty unreasonable for anyone to think my daughter should be comfortable hanging around this kid anywhere, but especially on his territory. Unfortunately, my sister thinks her kids do no wrong and manages to twist everything until you apologize to her. This conversation cannot go that way—I owe it to my daughter to be firm about this.
So what do I say? And how do I say it? I’ve reached out to various LGBTQIA groups I’m part of for advice, but most advise cutting off contact because there wasn’t an immediate acknowledgment of responsibility for being hurtful, an apology, and a willingness to do better. I don’t want to cut contact with my sister without at least attempting another conversation. I am notoriously bad at confrontation and inevitably end up backing down.
—It’s Not Hype
Dear It’s Not Hype,
It’s horrible that your daughter was subjected to her cousin’s disgusting genocidal rant. Whether he was just trying to troll or not, or repeating talking points he heard elsewhere (I’m betting from his father, based on your letter), his parents had a responsibility to say something, and they both failed. I can understand why your daughter felt it was necessary to limit her exposure to him. If it’s ever too much to see him at your parents’ house and she needs to further distance herself, I hope she’ll have your understanding and support.
But your current problem is not actually with your nephew. It’s with your sister. She is the one you’re close to. And she doesn’t accept or affirm your daughter any more than her son does, even if she expresses her transphobia in different terms. I understand that you don’t want to cut her off or lose your connection with her. But it’s important to recognize that she is the one putting your closeness in jeopardy, not you. Her choices as a parent, a sister, an aunt, have put you in this position.
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Your first duty as a parent is to try to do what is right for your child. So the most important question here is not “How do I talk to / fix things with my sister?” but rather “What does love for and solidarity with my child require of me?” I’m not here to answer that question for you. Every kid, every relationship, every family is different. But that question about what is best for your child is the crucial one, and you should let it—and whatever answers you find—drive whatever discussions you try to have with your sister or anyone else in your family. Your daughter’s needs, including what she needs to feel safe and loved and supported, have to be at the center of all this for you.
To be honest, the first conversation you had with your sister and her defense of her son’s rant likely would have been the dealbreaker for me. But if you want to try one more time, I think you should be very clear about what you would need in order to maintain the relationship. You could start with something like: “I love you. I unequivocally love and support my daughter. It’s hard for me to know how to remain close to you when you’ve defended and seem to share many of your son’s transphobic views.” Make it clear that you’re in this painful position not because of your daughter or who she is, but because of your sister’s (and her family’s) actions. She needs to understand that it is not and will never be an option for you, for your family, to overlook anti-trans bigotry or calls for violence (which is absolutely what your nephew was doing when he espoused “eliminating” trans people, regardless of where he picked that idea up). Let her know that you can’t and won’t back down on this, because there is nothing more important to you than your daughter. You need your sister to hear you, and apologize, and earnestly try to do better.
Based on what you shared, I don’t have super high hopes that she will do those things. But that is her choice. What you do next, how you stand up for your daughter, is your choice. If you need courage or resolve when dealing with your sister or anyone else, remember that your child has already shown great strength in coming out as who she is and establishing a boundary with the relatives who’ve hurt her. She shouldn’t have to be strong all alone—you have to be with her. No matter what happens with your sister or the rest of your family, your daughter needs to know that she can always trust you to be in her corner and give her the love and full support she deserves.
Dear Care and Feeding,
My daughter, who is 15, is transgender. She’s getting gender-affirming care and thriving. Most of our family is supportive.
My problem is with my nephew. My sister and I have always been close, like BFF close, so it was hard when our kids didn’t get along. My daughter is about 2.5 younger than her son, and they’ve never been able to play or interact with each other. At Thanksgiving four years ago (my daughter was 11 and my nephew was 14), my nephew went on a rant about how he hates transgender people, how they are everywhere, and how they should be eliminated. No one said anything to him but me—I asked him if he had ever even met a transgender person, and when he said, “I don’t have to meet one to know they’re bad,” I just moved on to avoid getting into an argument with him. (His father, my brother-in-law, loves it when his kids are outrageous and we engage, so he eggs them on.)
My daughter had not yet come out as trans at this point; she came out about a year later. But she had a vivid memory of this scene, and it was the reason she didn’t want to tell the rest of our family for another year. She had me tell my sister, because she was scared of their family’s reaction. When I told my sister, she seemed ok, so I asked about my nephew, reminding her about his Thanksgiving rant. First, she acted like it had never happened and said she had no memory of it. Then she told me that her son “doesn’t hate transgender people. He hates the hype of trans people.” I asked what hype, and she explained that trans people are in the news all the time now; everyone is saying they are trans for attention nowadays; it’s all hype, hype, hype. She then refused to discuss it anymore.
The end result is my daughter doesn’t really feel safe with my sister’s family. My sister hosts a lot of holidays because she has a big house, and my daughter refuses to go. She will grudgingly go if the get-togethers are at my parents’ house, even if my sister’s family is there, because she feels safer at my parents’ house. But she will not set foot in my sister’s house. My sister is annoyed because if my daughter doesn’t go, neither do I—I’m not going to leave my daughter home alone on a holiday to hang out with my sister’s kids. My sister doesn’t understand why my parents’ house is different, and I can’t really explain it; my daughter just feels safer there.
I feel like we need to have another conversation about her son’s rant about trans people and her dismissiveness. My nephew, who now knows that my daughter is trans, has never said he didn’t mean it or reversed his opinion, much less apologized. So I think it’s pretty unreasonable for anyone to think my daughter should be comfortable hanging around this kid anywhere, but especially on his territory. Unfortunately, my sister thinks her kids do no wrong and manages to twist everything until you apologize to her. This conversation cannot go that way—I owe it to my daughter to be firm about this.
So what do I say? And how do I say it? I’ve reached out to various LGBTQIA groups I’m part of for advice, but most advise cutting off contact because there wasn’t an immediate acknowledgment of responsibility for being hurtful, an apology, and a willingness to do better. I don’t want to cut contact with my sister without at least attempting another conversation. I am notoriously bad at confrontation and inevitably end up backing down.
—It’s Not Hype
Dear It’s Not Hype,
It’s horrible that your daughter was subjected to her cousin’s disgusting genocidal rant. Whether he was just trying to troll or not, or repeating talking points he heard elsewhere (I’m betting from his father, based on your letter), his parents had a responsibility to say something, and they both failed. I can understand why your daughter felt it was necessary to limit her exposure to him. If it’s ever too much to see him at your parents’ house and she needs to further distance herself, I hope she’ll have your understanding and support.
But your current problem is not actually with your nephew. It’s with your sister. She is the one you’re close to. And she doesn’t accept or affirm your daughter any more than her son does, even if she expresses her transphobia in different terms. I understand that you don’t want to cut her off or lose your connection with her. But it’s important to recognize that she is the one putting your closeness in jeopardy, not you. Her choices as a parent, a sister, an aunt, have put you in this position.
Advertisement
Your first duty as a parent is to try to do what is right for your child. So the most important question here is not “How do I talk to / fix things with my sister?” but rather “What does love for and solidarity with my child require of me?” I’m not here to answer that question for you. Every kid, every relationship, every family is different. But that question about what is best for your child is the crucial one, and you should let it—and whatever answers you find—drive whatever discussions you try to have with your sister or anyone else in your family. Your daughter’s needs, including what she needs to feel safe and loved and supported, have to be at the center of all this for you.
To be honest, the first conversation you had with your sister and her defense of her son’s rant likely would have been the dealbreaker for me. But if you want to try one more time, I think you should be very clear about what you would need in order to maintain the relationship. You could start with something like: “I love you. I unequivocally love and support my daughter. It’s hard for me to know how to remain close to you when you’ve defended and seem to share many of your son’s transphobic views.” Make it clear that you’re in this painful position not because of your daughter or who she is, but because of your sister’s (and her family’s) actions. She needs to understand that it is not and will never be an option for you, for your family, to overlook anti-trans bigotry or calls for violence (which is absolutely what your nephew was doing when he espoused “eliminating” trans people, regardless of where he picked that idea up). Let her know that you can’t and won’t back down on this, because there is nothing more important to you than your daughter. You need your sister to hear you, and apologize, and earnestly try to do better.
Based on what you shared, I don’t have super high hopes that she will do those things. But that is her choice. What you do next, how you stand up for your daughter, is your choice. If you need courage or resolve when dealing with your sister or anyone else, remember that your child has already shown great strength in coming out as who she is and establishing a boundary with the relatives who’ve hurt her. She shouldn’t have to be strong all alone—you have to be with her. No matter what happens with your sister or the rest of your family, your daughter needs to know that she can always trust you to be in her corner and give her the love and full support she deserves.
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(Speaking from experience? Yes.)
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The family rift has happened.
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And once the schism is formal, LW, don’t give in to pressure from your parents to smooth things over. You _will_ be pressured because your parents understand as well as your sister does that you’re the one who usually backs down under pressure, and their priority will be reuniting their estranged kids. They won’t care that it would be a false piece that would come at the expense of LW and LW’s kid.
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It's been four years. The problem isn't that there wasn't an immediate acknowledgement, the problem is that it has been four years and Sis has chosen to allow her son to continue to spew hateful vitriol. And LW is aware that this isn't a weird one-off, either.
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To the columnist:
Why are you "betting [the transphobia is] from his father"? Did you read this bit?
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I remember pointing out to people way back then that the “attention” it got me was homophobia, antipathy from my family, daily verbal abuse from other students and faculty, and regular physical attacks from other students. What about that was desirable? If I was just doing it “for attention”, wouldn’t I have pretended it was all a big joke the first time I got attacked, and moved on to a different source of attention that didn’t carry the risk of corrective rape and murder?
But the logic of that never clicked, because for them “it’s for attention!” was just always a defense for their bigotry, not a reasoned position. Nothing will make them think otherwise, because to think otherwise involves accepting that LGBTQ people exist and can’t be changed into being cis-het.
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I hope I’m not derailing by pointing out that this dismissal also comes in ableist flavors?
(And I’m pretty sure I’ve pointed this out before, but ever notice how the sort of people who like to use the dismissive term “only doing it for attention” feel absolutely fucking entitled to yours? “One-two-three—-eyes on me!” “Look at me when I’m talking to you!” “Put your phones away!” “You’re going to be on call 24/7/366.” “Here’s two ads you have to watch before you can watch this trailer (itself an ad demanding your attention.”)
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Sigh.