And Her Husband’s Reaction Deeply Concerns Me



Dear Care and Feeding,

My daughter has been married for ten years and everything seemed to be going well until she found out last summer she was pregnant with her second child. Both had decided not to have more than one since two would cause a heavy financial burden. Her husband had even planned a vasectomy but canceled. My daughter had a lot of side effects with birth control so they wound up using condoms.

As soon as she found out she was pregnant, her husband pushed for an abortion. He became insistent and at first she almost went to do it. Then, she thought that she would do it if the baby was abnormal, but the baby was doing great and she made a final decision to keep it. Now, her husband is furious and threatening to leave her and she is devastated because she might lose the house. He is constantly harassing her and making her life difficult even though she is the main breadwinner.

What can she do? Can she tell him to leave? She says she told him to go to couples therapy and he refused. I’m worried he may increase his threats. Should she contact an attorney?

—Worried Mom

Dear Worried Mom,

I’m not going to play nice, because this dude sounds like an absolute jerk. I’ll agree with him on the fact that having another child can be expensive, but is it worth it to blow up his family to make a point? Unexpected pregnancies happen all of the time, and if you’re in a loving relationship you should be able to make it work. That clearly doesn’t seem to be the case here.

It baffles me to no end when I hear men say they don’t want any additional kids, but they do nothing to make that become a reality. Go get a vasectomy, bro! As someone who was snipped a few years ago, it was one of the easiest medical procedures I’ve ever had. So because he was too lazy or cowardly to do this for his wife, he’s now threatening to leave her because she’s now pregnant? That’s beyond toxic.

I obviously don’t know the entire picture, but your daughter should ask herself a question. Does this man bring more to the table than he takes off of it? In other words, she needs to determine if he’s a valuable asset to the family or if he’s an emotional leech draining her energy on a daily basis. She makes more money than him, he refuses to do his part for birth control, he refuses therapy, he bullies her to make a decision she’s uncomfortable with, and he’s unwilling to compromise. Like I said, I don’t know everything, but he doesn’t sound like a “keeper” to me.


I’m not saying she should file for divorce today, but if this guy isn’t willing to bend, then she should tell him that divorce is inevitable. If he doesn’t budge after that ultimatum, then perhaps you should have her and her child stay with you while she works out a plan to separate from him. Finally, I’m not sure what you mean by harassment: make sure she knows about the National Domestic Violence Hotline as a resource. I obviously hope she does not need this, but alarm bells ring in my head as I read your letter.

I’m hoping that he’ll come to his senses once he realizes that your daughter is serious about leaving him over this, and that that will inspire him to take the requisite actions to repair the relationship. But if that doesn’t happen, she’ll need to be ready to take action.