1. Dear Prudence,

Since my mother-in-law retired to Florida five years ago, I have been saddled with the traditional Thanksgiving gathering because our home has four bedrooms and a large kitchen. My five in-laws and their families all live in much smaller places. Their offers to “help” don’t involve much beyond bringing a pumpkin pie they picked up at the supermarket.

The only exception was “Carissa,” my brother-in-law’s then-girlfriend and now new wife. Carissa is lovely, kind, and helpful. She’s also vegan. But she’s not preachy and was a professional chef. Seriously, her food is usually the first to go at potlucks and she even got my picky toddler nephew to eat tofu and veggies. They recently bought a new house and wanted to host Thanksgiving this year. Everyone was all for it, especially me. Then my brother-in-law said it would be all vegan and cooked by Carissa. So everyone lost their minds. They cried that it was tyranny and forcing an alternative lifestyle down their throats. They said it would ruin Thanksgiving.

I told everyone to stuff it and that if they wanted a traditional Thanksgiving, they should stay home and cook themselves—my husband and I would be enjoying Carissa’s fantastic feast. My husband reluctantly backs me up but everyone else is whining and crying about the “ruined” holiday, especially my mother-in-law. I pointed out that we have had ham, prime rib, and even chicken instead of turkey before on the holiday, and no one cared. Carissa is a much better cook than me and alternating holidays is more than fair. Or everyone could meet up at a restaurant and pay their own way. Carissa and her husband privately thanked me but are worried about causing a family feud. I think they are just full of hot air. If they can go to rival schools and cheer rival football teams, they can eat delicious vegan food once every few years. Call it my line in the sand. What do we do next?

—Tofu Turkey Day Please

Dear Tofu Turkey,

Frankly, I think this maybe should cause a family feud. Your family members are being enormous jerks, and you are correct that they should not have their requests accommodated; if they cannot navigate this situation for themselves, that is their problem. It sounds like Carissa is laid back enough that she would even be ok with it if someone else cooked and brought over a turkey dish themselves. But even if she keeps her home entirely meat-free, she is allowed to do that, and I am happy for you that you at least have one generous and talented in-law.

How things proceed materially, though, is really up to Carissa and your brother-in-law. I wouldn’t blame them if they decided to call off their offer to host entirely. You can tell them you’re excited about Thanksgiving at their place, and that you will help them hold the line firmly against the rest of the family. You can let those family members know that if they are going to show up, they need to do so with joy in their hearts about eating Tofurky—or at least smiles pasted on their faces.

In future years, I would also reconsider if you really want to keep hosting at the level you have been. You say your place works well because of the space you have; it may be sanity-saving to say that you are happy to offer your kitchen and dining room, but that you are not going to cook. People can bring dishes potluck style, or you can all split the cost of buying a turkey and sides from the super market. The current dynamic is just making you resentful, which isn’t good in the long run for anyone.

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2. Dear Carolyn: I have a complicated relationship with my brother and his wife (mostly his wife). They have a 2-year-old son, and I adore my nephew. They live a plane ride away, and it can be hard to visit them. I work in education without remote work options and don’t get a sub during non-school breaks. (They both can work remotely when desired.) Also, my sister-in-law had a traumatic birth, and they had some marriage issues since, though apparently things are getting better. “Better” appears to be my brother going along with whatever she wants, but that’s another story.

My issue is with upcoming holiday time. Numerous times last year, I asked to visit. I was told it wasn’t a good time. They came this summer for my wedding and left a day early because my nephew wasn’t sleeping well (not uncommon for first travel, but cause for panic from my SIL). Now they say they will not come again “anytime soon.”

After some back-and-forth with them on plans that would mean my husband would not get to spend Christmas with his parents, who have health issues, I’m feeling angry at my brother and SIL for always bending plans to suit them and not caring about the effect on others. We have tiptoed around them for years (actually and metaphorically). Is there anything I can say that will make a difference?

— Complicated

Complicated: How about making your own Christmas plans with your husband’s parents and leaving it at that? Cutting your contempt in half would do nicely, too. Or from “utter” to “mild,” whatever that percentage is. Why is it your terrible, horrible, no good, very bad sister-in-law’s fault that travel is hard and people get sick and families scatter and not everyone can be everywhere at once?

Seriously. You reel off all your frustrations with your brother and (mostly) his wife, but they seem like pretty relatable challenges and responses to me. For starters — she had her body riven from the inside, or your nephew nearly died, or both. That takes months of physical and emotional mending, which could have upended their houseguest worldview. Visitors inclined to judge: Bye.

They struggled maritally, too? As many new parents do. Having family eyes on them while they navigate that, plus kidlet, can be migraine-stressful. Repeated requests to visit by the sibling whose doubts about the wife have, apparently, outgrown their container would be pretty high on the nope chart. Even you have to see that.

Their wedding travel experience registers only sympathy with me, truly. They tried, it went badly, they bailed only one day early, they’ve shelved their next attempt indefinitely. Okey dokey. Clearly, they’re not big travelers, to have put off their first attempt to travel as a family until an important wedding forced their hand — but that’s value-neutral. Meanwhile, printing “air travel for a wedding with a sleep-disrupted toddler” should get a trigger warning.

As for the recent back-and-forth, your brother and sister-in-law were as free to assert their Christmas preference as you and your husband were yours. This is what happens when families extend. Everyone wants things their way. Either one extension of the family eventually blinks, or the extensions celebrate separately. If this couple never ever blinks, then that can be annoying, sure. But that doesn’t force anyone to tiptoe around them. That’s your choice. Which means you can also make a different one. You can bow out, opt out, peace out.

I’m not awarding halos to your brother and sister-in-law here. All I did was reality-check all the examples you gave; to my disinterested eye, they responded within the range of normal to normal life events. How likable they are (or not) is beside the point, except in how their choices come across.

So instead of reacting to them (her), I suggest you remind yourself to respond to circumstances. So, for example, they won’t travel to you? Remind yourself it’s their hassle, their choice, then choose from the best of your remaining options — instead of getting angry at your sister-in-law.

I don’t know about you, but I’m unclenching a bit already.

Families can stay close through years of not gathering due to small kids, travel hassles, money and vacation shortages, tugs in too many directions. Stuff (always) happens.

Controlling in-laws happen, too, sure. But how something “appears” isn’t proof — and their household isn’t your business anyway, so deciding to forgive seems much more efficient than running all the fault forensics.

Plus, isn’t loving your brother the whole point? So adapt, zag, video chat with your nephew, stay close by other means. Who knows, they might warm to acceptance.

The alternative is to keep accruing grievances till you build a grudge, and few siblings stay close through one of those. Conveniently, every grievance you list is something you could have chosen not to take personally or blame on your sister-in-law.

So that’s my capsule advice: Choose not to.

Sanity bonus: Make plans where you’re not counting on this couple to do what you want them to do. There’s radical unclenching in that.

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3. Dear Carolyn: My mom had this saying, “Least said, soonest mended,” and I’m wondering if it’s true with our daughter-in-law, “Lindsey.” My husband, younger son and I had Thanksgiving with my son “Todd” and his wife a few years back. Lindsey is a great cook and likes fancy food, so she made some unusual dishes: goose rather than turkey, for example. I loved it all, but my husband and younger son prefer familiar food and joked during the meal about all the “weird dishes.”

We are having Thanksgiving with them for the first time since then, and my husband and son promised to be more gracious since it was obvious Lindsey went to a lot of trouble.

Todd let me know he is responsible for the dinner this year, though he’s not much of a cook. This is fine, but I’m worried Lindsey was insulted last time and that’s the reason for the switch. Should we apologize? Or let it go?

— Anonymous

Anonymous: “We”? The two yuk-heads owed Lindsey an apology then, upon being set straight during the ride home. Now’s better than nothing. If you do it, then it’s just someone else laboring in the kitchen for them again, figuratively speaking.

Speaking of — hell yes to Todd as lead cook. Not just to spare Lindsey, but because anyone who wants to establish a loving, family-centric holiday tradition would put “not dumping the labor on the same person every year” at the top of the list. As I write this, I am fresh off a video call with multiple middle-aged women, who all would preempt “the holidays” for exhaustion recovery.

Maybe then we’d have time for our garage band, Multiple Middle-Aged Women.

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4. I have a beautiful 1-year-old who is intolerant to dairy or soy (in all forms, even cross contamination). She also suffers from “complex” acid reflux, which has gotten so bad she has developed stridor. We are seeing multiple specialists about this and following their guidance, which includes both of us avoiding anything with dairy or soy in it, as we have done for 10 months.

Despite all of this, my mother believes that the intolerances don’t exist …and that I’m using them as an excuse not to visit on Thanksgiving. I offered to host and make food in a safe way, but I was told no and that I’m ruining Thanksgiving for my daughter by refusing to spend it with my family—awful things to say when I’m trying to keep her from getting sick.

The problem is, my daughter loves my mother and FaceTimes with her every night. She also absolutely adores my dad, who visits weekly. She would have a blast at my parents’ house seeing them, my sister, and all my cousins, and being the center of attention. I’m so conflicted. I can’t risk her getting sick because my mom won’t stop cooking with butter, but I also feel so bad that my daughter’s first Thanksgiving won’t feel like a holiday. What should I do?

—Intolerant Thanksgiving

Dear Thanks,

What the hell! Why are you considering going over there, to a house with parents who have already told you that you’re ruining the holiday and who don’t take your child’s health seriously? Fuck them. You cannot “ruin a holiday” for a 1-year-old who doesn’t know what day it is, doesn’t care about Thanksgiving, and indeed lacks object permanence.

The person whose feelings about Thanksgiving you are “conflicted” about is you. You care about Thanksgiving, which is fine, but that is not worth setting a precedent that your daughter’s health comes second to a made-up holiday. Buck up, enjoy a quiet day at home, and tell your mom that if she would like to see her beautiful granddaughter in person, she had better start taking the advice of medical professionals seriously.

—Dan

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5. Dear Care and Feeding,

My sister-in-law has a severe eating disorder, which manifests itself as highly restrictive eating. She doesn’t recognize it as an eating disorder and claims she has “food sensitivities.” At first, she was just gluten-free, but she now avoids dairy, nuts, random unrelated meats, certain fruits, and some vegetables. She’s had allergy testing, but the doctors haven’t found anything. None of this generally upsets me, except I wonder what my obligations are over the holidays.

We are hosting 13 family members from both my and my husband’s sides. My husband’s family enjoys going out to dinner, but my brother says they can’t go out to eat because my sister-in-law is so sensitive to food she’ll get sick. If we cook at home, most people won’t be happy with the bland meals my SIL feels comfortable eating, such as unseasoned chicken baked with no oil or butter, salt, or pepper. What’s my responsibility to accommodate her unusual diet?

—Confused Hostess

Dear Confused,

How long are your brother and SIL planning to visit? They can’t reasonably expect you to accommodate her at every meal for many days, particularly since it sounds like she doesn’t even feel comfortable being in the presence of the foods she avoids. Ask your brother how mealtime is handled in his household; does he simply eat like she does? Do they never go out to eat? If they are staying with you, you can offer to have the sort of things she eats on hand, but you can’t avoid cooking other foods for the rest of your family, nor should you forego eating out for the entire holiday because of her. Let your brother know that you want to be as helpful as possible but that you can’t deny the rest of your family the ability to eat as normal in order to accommodate her. Perhaps she and her husband can have meals at a different time from everyone else, and they can otherwise entertain themselves while you guys eat. It may be the case that your SIL’s household simply has to miss this trip. Once you’ve gotten through the holiday, you should tell your brother that you are concerned about his wife, and that you believe her food issues are an eating disorder; he may have bought into the notion that she merely has “sensitivities” and might not recognize that she’s in need of support.

—Jamilah

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6. DEAR SOMEONE ELSE’S MOM: We are finishing our first year in our new house. We moved in a few weeks before we got married the week after Thanksgiving last year. So this will be our first married Thanksgiving and the first one our home is ready to host.

We asked both sets of parents to spend Thanksgiving with us. My in-laws said they will come for a couple days, but my parents said they wanted to spend Thanksgiving with my sister’s family. They have two kids, and it seems they get priority over us whenever both my sister and I ask my parents to come to our houses for a special occasion or for a visit. It happens every time.

I don’t want to come off as jealous because I love my sister and her family. I spoil my nephew and niece every chance I get. They were also invited to come to our house for Thanksgiving, but my sister says my brother-in-law is working the whole long weekend except for on the holiday itself, so they can’t make it.

We were going to make this not only a super special Thanksgiving, but also celebrate our first anniversary. Now it will be Thanksgiving Day with just my in-laws, and my husband and me for our anniversary.

I’m disappointed and hope we make everything work here at our house next year.

Do you think it’s too early to put in dibs on having the families all here next year, especially since I just found out we’re pregnant and next Thanksgiving would be our baby’s first one? --- WANT TO CELEBRATE HERE

DEAR WANT TO CELEBRATE HERE: I see nothing wrong with your putting in an early claim to host Thanksgiving at your place next year. That gives everyone fair warning, which hopefully will work to your advantage.

However, remember asking isn’t always getting. Circumstances can result in a change of plans anywhere between now and next November, so it may be a game of playing it by ear until then.

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7. Dear Annie: I'd love your perspective on an issue I'm having with my adult daughter, who lives in another state. She visits every Christmas for several days but refuses to stay overnight at my home. She claims my guest room is too cluttered and noisy, or she offers other excuses for not staying. Instead, she rents an Airbnb for part of her stay and spends the other nights at her dad's house or with friends.

I've expressed to her how hurtful this is to me; it feels insulting and makes me feel unimportant. Her response is that she doesn't intend to hurt me, but she feels she should be able to stay wherever she prefers. What truly stings is that she doesn't seem to care about how her choice affects me, focusing only on her own comfort. She seems more self-centered than ever, and I'm struggling with this.

What are your thoughts on how I should handle this situation? -- Hurt by Adult Daughter

Dear Hurt: Instead of labeling her as self-centered, change the narrative to welcome the fact that she is being upfront and honest with you. She doesn't like clutter and lots of noise. What if you suggested to her that you declutter the guest room together and bought a noise machine of some sort so she could block out the noise? Ask her what her favorite sheets and pillows are to make her feel welcome and cozy. My guess is she feels an underlying sense of judgment and criticism -- you are judging her, and she is judging you -- so try and just look at each other with love and compassion.

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