I have a 2 ½-year-old daughter. She sits rear-facing in the car because it’s safest. My husband insists that she needs to be turned around so she can see everything and have more room for her legs. But her legs are fine, and she can still see out of her window. We have a mid-size crossover, so it’s not like we’ve shoved her in the back of a two-door sedan. I’ve sent articles to my husband showing the statistics and facts about why rear-facing is the best option. He reluctantly agreed to keep our child rear-facing, but now, whenever we get in the car, he tells her things like “I know you’re cramped” and “I’m so sorry you don’t have any room for your legs.” It feels like he’s attempting to guilt-trip me. I don’t understand why he thinks a ton of legroom is more important than our daughter’s safety. We agree on literally every other aspect of parenting except for this—I don’t understand this one hang-up of his. Do I just need to deal with the dumb comments he makes, or should I cave and let her face the front? (For the record, our daughter doesn’t seem to mind—she’s never complained about legroom. She complains about being put in the seat when she’s happy running around somewhere and we have to leave, but that’s it.)

—Safety First

Dear Safety First,

You are correct that rear-facing is the safer option for your 2-year-old, so long as she’s still under the height/weight limit for it—it’s recommended to keep toddlers rear-facing in the car for as long as possible. So no, I don’t think you should give in and turn her around just because your husband is being annoying. What I find really problematic is that he’s also making you out to be the “bad guy”—like, is he trying to cast himself as the more caring, understanding parent based on … car seat orientation? Because I’ve gotta admit, that’s a new one to me.

This is the only aspect of parenting you disagree on right now. Your child is 2. Do you think this is the last time you and your husband will have different opinions or approaches? What’s he going to do—resort to a guilt trip every time? Get those cheap little undermining shots in with your kid? Try to send her the message that he’s on her side, and you’re not?

If I were you, I’d want to have a serious conversation with him about how he’s chosen to handle this disagreement. Does he truly think this is the best (or only?) way for him to communicate about the car seat? Or can he grasp that you both need to be able to talk about and make decisions in a healthier, more respectful way? And would he agree to some sort of reasonable compromise—let’s say he ditches the weird, petty, unproductive car seat comments, and then when your daughter turns 3 and/or hits her next big growth spurt, you two can reopen the car seat discussion?

You aren’t supposed to be adversaries; you’re supposed to be a team. In the future, if you disagree, or just aren’t sure what to do—because that’ll happen, too!—your spouse can’t just default to bad-faith, passive-aggressive asides. You both need to be able to have a functional and ideally respectful discussion about all parenting decisions, including the tougher ones you’ll face in the future.

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