Dear Carolyn: I recently had a baby and it’s been a rough transition to say the least. After the first few nights of no sleep, I asked my mom whether she could help us with the night feedings. I figure, she’s retired and can make up the sleep while my husband works and needs to be alert all day! Mom’s been a big help, spending the night almost every night for the past month. She has never once complained.

But my brother just reamed me out over the phone! He said Mom is exhausted and overwhelmed and I need to stop asking her to spend the night. I pointed out that Mom had never said any of that to me! He said I should know she has trouble saying “no,” so it’s my responsibility not to ask her for “too much.” I figure if she says yes, then it’s not too much.

I really don’t want to handle all the overnight feedings by myself. But how do I know if I’m asking for too much? Isn’t it my mom’s responsibility to say no if she doesn’t want to help?

Possible context: My brother and his wife have two kids and never once had my mom help overnight in the newborn phase. So I think this may just be sour grapes.

— Asking Too Much?

Asking Too Much?: You know you’re asking too much when your brother says, “Mom is exhausted,” and you respond with four paragraphs of excuses, zero words of concern about Mom.

So that’s an answer to the first of about four different questions in your question: Stop running your mother into the ground just because she’s letting you do that. That is not okay.

It is her responsibility to say no, true. If she offers every morning to come back tonight if you want, then it’s hard to refuse. We all know that.

But we also know, you included, that some people don’t feel good enough about themselves to say no to things. They think they have to say yes to be loved. And when we know that, we don’t get to say, “Wut, she didn’t speak up!!!” like players acting all innocent after they’re called for an obvious foul.

The next answer: Yes, newborns are exhausting. You won’t feel like yourself for months. years. decades. some time. (I kid. Mostly.)

Anyway — I don’t think there are any non-rough transitions, but some are legitimately medical vs. just rough. Plus even if your mother were up to it, you would still have to take over the hard work of your own baby at some point. So I urge you to talk to your OB/GYN about possible postpartum depression, and your husband about more non-Mom help (including his!!), and your baby’s pediatrician about what is and isn’t normal, and your brother- and sister-in-law (and/or other recent-past parents of newborns) about how they managed.

The next answer: Talk! To! Mom! Ask if she’s okay (“Truth, Mom, please”), and whether you’ve overstepped as much we’re saying you have. “I figure, she’s retired” is acutely dismissive of her time, and hurt my eyes to read.

The next answer: You owe your brother a mental apology for the mental accusation, that he’s just resentful you got the Mom doula service he didn’t. Got proof? If not, then you’re just smearing the messenger — not a great look for you.

Again, newborns are disorienting, and no one expects new parents to win a congeniality prize. But you can legitimately need all the help and be decent about it, too. Answer No. 1.

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