Dear Carolyn: My father is ill and wants me to reconcile with my twin sister, who is mentally, physically and financially abusive to me to the point of my cutting her entirely out of my life a couple of years ago. He insists we repair our relationship, which I view as irreparable given her boundary issues and continued abuses. I won’t do it.
But he keeps using the, “I’ll be dead soon” card, claiming all he wants is his girls to be best friends. He invites her over when I visit knowing it’s a no-no, and he too cares little for my boundaries.

I want to see my dad, but this old trope of “dying father’s wishes” is tired and draining. Any advice on what I can say or do or not do that might get through to him? He’s not big on insight.

— Twin

Twin: You know what he is big on? You’ll recognize it all from your complaints about your twin sister: not just boundary issues, which you noted, up and out the wazoo. There’s also manipulation like you only read about. “I’ll be dead soon” sounds like a punchline, yet he’s apparently serious. He “insists” on something that is not his to insist on — your relationship with anyone, not even a sibling. He ambushes you with your sister’s presence, which is breathtaking in its disrespect.

I’m guessing your sister got her entire abuse-and-manipulation playbook from Daddy, with sections underlined for her.

Your belief there’s some way to “get through to” your dad — like it’s your responsibility to say things exactly the right way to achieve his respect — is from a different playbook: the one from someone on the receiving end of a lifetime of manipulation. Please throw that book away, or better burn it, and scatter the ashes on the sea. Use these four words as your playbook instead: Never negotiate with terrorists.

So:

· When he insists you repair your relationship: “It’s my relationship with someone else. You don’t get to insist.” Said once, then never dignified again with a response.

· When he keeps using the “I’ll be dead soon” card: “I hear how hard this is for you.” Then, crickets. No further explaining or defending, and no apologizing. Do not engage with him on the sister question.

· He invites her over when you visit knowing it’s a no-no: Leave, the moment you see her there.

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