agonyaunt | (no subject)

DEAR SOMEONE ELSE’S MOM: I have been in the Maintenance Stage of my addiction recovery program for almost three years. It was a hard road for me and my family, and I am working hard to stay clean and never again abuse my family or myself.

My mom and dad have been great. Same for my older sister and her husband. I have an uncle, though, who I was always close to all the time I was growing up and right up until the time I was lying to and stealing from my family and friends to first cover up and then support my addiction.

He came one time to see me when I was in my third rehab. He barely talked to me and left after only a few minutes. Since then he avoids me if we run into each other at someone in the family’s house or out in public.

It hurts like hell that he won’t accept that I am clean, working hard to stay that way, and could really use his forgiveness and support.

What more can I do to have him accept me back into his life, or at least to allow me to make peace with him? --- MISSING MY UNCLE

DEAR MISSING MY UNCLE: This is a topic best tackled within your recovery program. However, my guess is that your uncle is still dealing with any pain and disappointment he started feeling because of your addiction, and I’m not sure there’s a way to force him to accept you back into his life.

By staying your course of remaining drug-free, perhaps he’ll be willing to meet you halfway at some point in the future, but that’s an outcome that’ll only come with time and patience.

You’ve already made it to the three year mark, and that’s no small achievement.

Link

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

If LW was lying and stealing from this uncle, and LW is now on his third or later rehab then I think LW needs to accept that Uncle has no obligations to forgive them, support them, or generally hold their hand through their recovery. Heck, at this point I'm not sure even their closer family members, like Mom and Dad, have that obligation.

Yeah, it sucks for LW, but Uncle has feelings and needs too, and if Uncle feels he needs to protect himself from getting burned again if this recovery doesn't stick, that's totally valid.

(Though some people in the comments at UExpress suggested that Uncle may be straight-up codependent and might have preferred LW as an addict.)

It’s also possible that Uncle himself may have a history with drug/alcohol use that he was able to control or stop (some folks get frightened by their increasing seeking behavior early on in what would have become an addiction, and quit right then), without it becoming family knowledge. If that’s the case, he may find being around addicts personally triggering. Or he may have a history with abuse that leads him to find being around lying/manipulation personally triggering. It sounds like he pulled away when the lying and stealing was first coming to light, so either of those are also possibilities. If either of those are the case, he tried once to reach out, the experience felt as awful as he feared, and he’s kept his distance since.

It’s probably most likely that he’s just a “fool me once, shame on you, fool me again” kind of person and doesn’t want to risk comtact. That’s completely reasonable. But I wouldn’t want to discount the possibility that addiction is personally impossible for him to be around due to his own history. (I think codependence in this case is unlikely because the uncle pulled away as soon as shit started going south; usually people who are codependenf with addicts stay in the trenches with them.)

The LW also never actually said that they had apologized or anything. Like, maybe they did and just didn't mention it, but it might also be a case of them thinking that their changed behavior is all the apology they need, and the uncle doesn't see it that way.

(Not sure where people are getting that the uncle preferred the LW as an addict, since the LW clearly says that their uncle bailed as soon as it became obvious they had a problem.)