Dear Prudence,

My high school reunion was last weekend, and I ran into a former long-time bully (she bullied me for 12 years straight). Apparently “Jane” is now the nicest person in the world, but I don’t care. When she approached me and hilariously acted like we’d been good friends who just lost touch, I publicly reminded her that she conducted “polling” that all showed my classmates wanted me to kill myself. She also paid boys to grab my breasts in the cafeteria and laugh. No adult did anything, of course. I also reminded Jane that she was awful to me for over a decade, especially during a period when she was closer to being an adult than a child. I was very intentionally NOT mean, and my tone was matter-of-fact. I never yelled, but I didn’t lower my voice when we were in a group of people.

Jane did WAY more bullying than that. I cannot even begin to describe how much pain and anguish I endured AND I really was considering suicide for most of that 12-year period, which I told her. Therapy has addressed some of that pain, but it hasn’t completely gone away. Jane got upset and cried, and she tried to apologize, but I didn’t care. Nothing will undo what she did, and an apology is so disproportionate to the damage she inflicted. I told her this. After the reunion, Jane emailed me another apology, and it came off as really desperate. It seems as though I remind her that she’s not really the saint she is today. Do I owe her anything at this point? I’m not sorry about what I said. She deserves to live with some of the pain she caused that I’ve been carrying.

—The Ex Bully Is Still No Saint

Dear Ex Bully Is Still No Saint,

You don’t owe her forgiveness if you don’t feel it. But you also don’t owe her continued suffering, or a lesson about how inadequate her apology was given the way she hurt you. In fact, thinking a lot about Jane— whether she was upset by your interaction, whether she realizes she’s not a saint, whether she’ll ever be better than the person she was in high school, and how to make sure she gets what she deserves—is not a great idea. This story is about you, what you experienced, and how you stood up for yourself. Most importantly, it’s about how you heal, even if Jane never becomes a better person.

I understand why you want to contemplate what’s next for you two. I imagine you fantasized for years about confronting her in the way you did, and relished the thought of refusing to forgive her and seeing her suffer just a fraction of the amount you did back when you were a teenager. Recapping her actions and making her cry is exactly what all of us (well, let me not speak for everyone—those of us who are not fully evolved and who hold grudges) would like to experience with a toxic boss, an evil ex, or any other villain from our past. It’s the kind of conversation you script out in the shower. And you got to live out that fantasy in real life!

But now it’s over. I bet that almost makes you uneasy. I suspect part of you wants to hold onto the powerful feeling you’ve had while contemplating your next move and how Jane might react to it. But there’s nothing more to be done now. Except of course, the less dramatic and exciting work of figuring out how you can start to let go of the pain you’ve been carrying around, even while knowing that the world is full of Janes and most of them aren’t sorry at all.

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