1. DEAR ABBY: I'm an only child (in my 30s now) who was raised by an emotionally and verbally abusive mother. When I wasn't her whipping post, I was an emotional crutch for her and had to assume parental tasks. Since I became an adult, she has violated my boundaries repeatedly. We just don't have a good relationship.

About 15 years ago, she injured herself at a friend's home and didn't seek medical care. She has used this injury as an excuse for not being able to do things over the years. I've wondered many times how bad it really is, or if she uses it as a reason to get others to do things for her.

Over the last six months or so, she has started doing less and less for herself. She expects my husband or me to drop everything and drive to her home to do whatever small task she has. She blames this old injury but still refuses to see a doctor for a possible better quality of life. She's fully convinced that an old friend is using black magic to make bad things happen to her.

I don't know what to do. I have no one to share the burden with. She berates my stepfather constantly, so his help is out of the question. Abby, I can't even talk to my mother about the weather, so how do I talk to her about my concerns? -- CORNERED IN KENTUCKY

DEAR CORNERED: While it's suspicious that your mother has steadfastly refused to see a doctor about her life-changing injury, her reason may not be that she's faking, but a fear of doctors.

That she insists she has been hexed by someone practicing black magic is interesting. Guilt can be a powerful emotion. After what you have written about her, I wonder what she may have done to that person that makes her think so.

You should not have to be at the beck and call of a parent who mistreated you. Start researching what senior services are available in her city and county, including transportation and visits from social workers, which might take some of the burden from your shoulders. I wish you luck.

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2. DEAR ABBY: While I was visiting my father-in-law, a heated conversation turned violent. My husband, "Rob," was helping his dad and a neighbor with a house project. When Rob's dad became upset at him, he lifted the power saw he was holding, turned it on and motioned toward Rob saying, "You're lucky I don't slit your throat." He said some other unkind things and we left. He has not reached out to my husband since, and Rob has deleted his phone number.

His dad sent me a text taking no responsibility for his actions and blaming Rob, which is why we have decided to cut ties for now. We have a teen daughter, and my father-in-law has also texted her. We do not want her around him, and Rob wants to instruct her not to respond. The day his father acted like this was also the one-year anniversary of the passing of his long-term girlfriend (who was more like a wife). Should we tell our daughter not to respond to his messages? -- THREATENED IN OREGON

DEAR THREATENED: Your daughter is old enough to know what is going on and to be able to respond to her grandfather's texts. (I'm not sure how you could stop her.) However, she should ALSO be made aware that, in a moment of anger, her grandfather threatened to KILL her father, which is why you have decided it is safer to keep your distance. At the least, "dear old Dad" owes his son an apology.

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3. DEAR ABBY: Three years ago, our 40-year-old daughter, "Tanya," suddenly accused me of abusing her during her childhood. She also accused my husband, her dad, of enabling this abuse. Abby, the abuse never happened!

Could some therapist have planted these ideas in her head? Tanya has problems with alcohol (which she blames on me) and has been divorced from two wonderful men who she claims also abused her. She can't maintain friendships with women because as soon as they do something that makes Tanya mad, she cuts them off.

Our other daughter, "Nadia," is three years younger. She doesn't have an alcohol problem and has a great husband and a toddler. Tanya has cut her off as well and has never met her brother-in-law or nephew. Nadia says her childhood was idyllic. Neither child lives near us.

My husband is living with incurable cancer, which Tanya knew before she excommunicated us. I don't know if I should inform her when her father dies, or let her find out through others on Facebook. My husband and I and Nadia don't use Facebook, but relatives do, and I am sure they will make it known.

I am torn about this. Tanya has hurt all of us repeatedly for so many years that we all agree that life is more pleasant without her around us. However, I'm afraid not telling her will cause more problems. Advice? -- DAMNED BOTH WAYS IN ILLINOIS

DEAR DAMNED: You stated that Tanya has "excommunicated" you, her father and her sister. She appears to be an angry and bitter woman who needs to find someone other than herself to blame for her unhappiness. She's unlikely to improve without professional help or an alcohol intervention.

When your husband passes, I'm hoping you will write her a brief letter explaining that you want her to know her father loved her. Give her the date of his passing, his obituary and the location of his final resting place. If you do, your conscience should be clear. What, if anything, she decides to do with that information is up to her.

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4. Dear Amy: My boyfriend of 10 years (with a few breaks) does not have a close relationship with his parents and really no relationship at all with his two siblings. Little things have happened through the years that have upset people, and no one ever communicates or makes up with each other. He also doesn't have good relationships with his young adult daughters. They seem to have chosen their mom over him.

I know it hurts him, but he doesn't feel he can do much about it. He does try to reach out, with little response from them. I have gotten really frustrated with how everyone acts and the horrible communication and how badly they treat him, so I completely stay out of it. I say nothing to any of them because I barely know them, anyway. Is that the right thing to do? The fact that he doesn't have a caring family hurts me, too.

– Sad Woman in AZ

Dear Sad: You have chosen to be with someone who does not have a track record of healthy relationships with others. It sounds as if his family system is dysfunctional, and while this could be the reason for his behavior, he doesn’t seem motivated to try to do things differently.

After 10 years with him, you might have had opportunities to affect this dynamic to some degree, but you don’t seem eager to exert yourself, either.

The non-communicative conflict style followed by low or no-contact is something he learned at home. Estrangement is extremely common, and yes – it does run in families, oftentimes through generations.

I suggest that he concentrate on trying to repair the relationship with his children. You can be helpful here by working on developing a braver and more functional communication style, by supporting his efforts, and by encouraging him to keep trying, with an open and loving attitude.

If these daughters have aligned with their mother, they might have been lied to and their own spirits and relationships poisoned.

He should patiently try to rewrite the faulty narrative with the hopes of creating a new story line with this generation.

I appreciate the work of Cornell University researcher Karl Pillemer, Ph.D., whose book, “Fault Lines: Fractured Families and How to Mend Them” (Avery, 2022) offers scholarship illustrating this common phenomenon, as well as compassionate and practical advice for how to attempt reconciliation.

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5. DEAR ABBY: Eight years ago, my oldest son, a police officer, quit talking to us. We had no fights, no arguments -- he just stopped answering our calls, and I no longer was allowed to see my grandchildren. As the year progressed, he also alienated his sister and brothers. For the next three years, I continued trying to contact him or my daughter-in-law, who I also thought I was close to, but they wouldn't return my calls. Then they moved, and I had no new address for them.

Now, years later, my youngest son (also a police officer) has done the same thing! One minute, he was on the phone laughing and talking with us -- then he called back, yelling about sticking up for his ex-wife (who we don't talk to and NEVER disparaged) and hung up! I called him back and told him how disrespectful it was, and that we have had NO CONTACT with her. He, too, won't return our calls.

My oldest has been on steroids, and I believe my youngest may be taking them now. I have gotten over the loss of the oldest, as it has been eight years, but my baby is breaking my heart. Do I keep calling? He doesn't live here in town, but I could go to his home and try to reason with him.

My two other children are also stunned and hurt about how their brothers treat us. We have always been good parents. We had a loving family, filled with God and fun. I'm sure it's the steroids, but I still don't know how far to push it. It's like a switch just flipped in our lives. -- COMPLETELY THROWN IN NEVADA

DEAR COMPLETELY THROWN: You and your husband have my sympathy. If your daughter and middle son are in touch with their youngest brother, they could ask what has caused this estrangement, and intervene. However, there are no guarantees it will work.

I will point out that while some steroids are legal, others must be prescribed by a physician because they can be dangerous. Anabolic steroids -- a prescription drug sometimes misused by bodybuilders to promote skeletal muscle building and improve athletic performance -- can cause side effects, including "'roid rage," a state in which the user becomes extremely volatile and aggressive. If you are correct about your two sons in law enforcement, it is truly regrettable and could possibly cost them their careers.

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6. DEAR ABBY: My husband has a poor relationship with our son and his wife. They want nothing to do with him and don't want him around the grandchildren because of how he acts. My husband tells me I should stick up for him and tell them what they're doing is wrong, and that he would never do or say anything bad in front of the grands.

My son and his wife have made their decision. If I send them a text or visit them, it causes fights in our house because he is not welcome. Now my husband is demanding that I choose: Stand by him and have nothing to do with the kids, or choose the kids and have nothing more to do with him. How fair is it to have to make a choice like that? -- TORN IN FLORIDA

DEAR TORN: Fairness has nothing to do with it. Your husband is trying to blackmail you into running interference for him with your son. It's time to decide which is more important -- having a relationship with your son, his wife and your grandchildren or remaining with your controlling, unpleasant husband. Keep doing what you're doing and call his bluff, because disengaging from you could be more complicated -- and expensive -- than your husband realizes.

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