1. DEAR NATALIE: My husband cheated on me last year and is very remorseful about the whole thing. It was (supposedly) a one night stand that happened when he was away for work. We just had a baby and he said he felt “neglected” by me. Ever since then, I’ve been trying to move forward with my marriage, but find it very difficult to be intimate with him. The realization that he strayed so easily makes me very anxious about having any more children together. I worry that this pattern will continue and he’ll just expect me to deal with it. I know people would say, “Just leave him,” but I love him and our family. I don’t know how to get over this hurdle. He wants to make this marriage work and so do I. Any advice on how to get back the spark? –UNHAPPY WIFE

DEAR UNHAPPY WIFE: What an incredibly traumatizing experience you had. I am so sorry you went through that and continue to feel the ripple effects of that in your relationship because of his selfish and impulsive decision. I don’t blame you at all for feeling hesitant about growing your family with someone who is so self-centered. If you want to try and salvage your marriage, I would recommend seeking couples counseling with a therapist who specializes in infidelity. I would also recommend you see someone on your own and encourage him to do the same. In fact, if he won’t seek help, use that as further indication that he isn’t actually willing to change. Actions are going to speak much louder than words, and if you feel it in the very pit of your stomach that you just can’t trust him, listen to that voice. You have every right to be happy and you don’t have to settle for someone you can’t rely on.

Link

*****

2. DEAR NATALIE: My husband and I are expecting our second baby this spring. I had a pretty traumatic birthing experience with the first one and I’ve been very apprehensive about being pregnant. On more than one occasion, he has told me I need to “get over it” and “stop complaining about it.” I almost died during childbirth. It was the scariest thing ever. On top of that, it took me almost two years to get back to my “pre-baby” weight. He asked me yesterday if it was “going to take that long” this second time around. I am so overwhelmed by my emotions, weight gain is the last thing on my mind. I also just wish he was more supportive and caring. My friends’ partners all seemed to embrace parenthood, but my husband hasn’t been as helpful. I’m not trying to complain, but I’m worried that with two babies and a full-time job as a teacher, my plate is going to be overloaded. He is a very busy lawyer, and keeps encouraging me to hire a nanny. The idea of someone watching my children really bothers me, though. Any thoughts? – NOT SUPPORTED

DEAR NOT SUPPORTED: I would feel completely overwhelmed and anxious in your situation, too. I can’t imagine anyone who wouldn’t. The fact that he can’t feel empathy for you in this space – especially after bearing witness to your birthing experience – has me questioning his moral character. I hope you have been able to seek support from a therapist who specializes in birth trauma. You deserve to heal from the physical, psychological and emotional torment you went through. If your husband can’t see that, then I feel sorry for him. He’s missing out on the intimacy you could be sharing through this lived experience and how it impacted you both and your family. In fact, he may be internalizing his own fears around what happened to you and lashing out at you as a result. A lack of constructive coping skills are preventing him from being a full partner at this moment. I know you don’t want to hire a nanny – and that’s understandable – but what about a part-time housekeeper? What about having a weekly meal-prep service? There are other ways that you could be supported in your home to alleviate some of the other domestic stressors so that you can focus on your children and your own healing. I would lead with that to show that you are being proactive and also let him know that you would like to go to couples counseling to unpack some of the things he said following your birthing experience. The way he talks to you is unacceptable. It’s unhelpful. It’s demeaning and disrespectful. If he wants to build a future with you, then he needs to actually acknowledge the past and work on a roadmap to recovery – not just for you but for your marriage, too.

Link