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Two letters to Carolyn Hax
1. Dear Carolyn: My daughter-in-law-to-be, “Jennifer,” has been cool to me, and I’ve wondered why. My son said he hadn’t noticed anything. I think I figured it out, and it’s all a misunderstanding.
I always thought Jennifer was divorced from the father of her 5-year-old, but I just found out she never was married.
I think she overheard me talking with my sister at a recent party about a 20-year-old girl we know who is having a baby. We agreed it was a shame that thoughtless, careless people procreate without intention, without marriage and without adequate income when it is so easy to prevent. It could have looked as if we were describing Jennifer — she got pregnant in college — but we definitely were not.
Should I address this misunderstanding with her, or hope it blows over?
— Misunderstood
Misunderstood: Or Option 3: Do a good, hard think about how freely you judge people.
That’s where the work needs doing. Any consequences with Jennifer are just collateral damage from views that have settled into smugness.
It also wasn’t a “misunderstanding.” You were talking with someone else in mind, yes, not Jennifer, but that’s a distinction without a difference. You were judging women who take the exact path Jennifer took as “thoughtless, careless people.” You weren’t not talking about her, for sure. She’s right to feel stung and wary of you. (Assuming that’s the issue.)
If you grow your empathy reserves enough to recognize that not all lives sort neatly into “right” or “wrong” boxes; that perfectly lovely people can stumble; and that they can carry themselves responsibly, morally and even admirably through the consequences, all while making choices radically different from the ones you’d make — then I suspect Jennifer will sense the change and soften toward you. And you won’t be crap-talking with your sister at parties.
But if you also decide, after some hard internal work, to tell Jennifer that you admire her as a mom and are grateful she’s in your son’s life, then that might help your case.
Link
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2. Dear Carolyn: I am in the middle of a divorce, and my 13-year-old son is being, frankly, a brat about it. I get that divorce is hard on kids, but it’s hard on the adults, too, and I’m losing my patience with him.
The big issue right now is we have both agreed that we will allow him to decide whom he’s going to live with during the week (he’ll live with the other on weekends). This decision needs to be made soon, and he is flat-out refusing to decide. My soon-to-be ex and I are both at a loss on how to get a decision out of him. Any suggestions?
— Divorcing
Divorcing: No, you did not just call him a brat. No no no.
“It’s hard on the adults, too”?!
I am going to hope with all of my hope cells that you wrote this in a fit of exasperation and would like nothing more than to retract it. But in case you’re standing by it:
Your son had no say in the dissolution of his home and family. That is traumatic.
The say you are giving him, over which parent he will live with for more of his days than the other, is also traumatic. It is not a favor to a child of any age to make him choose one parent over the other. Do you have any concept of the guilt he will carry if he does make this choice on his own?
I back him 100 percent in not bowing to the pressure to make a decision that is beyond his maturity level.
You and your soon-to-be ex need to make this decision, now, egos aside, based on what you can agree is best for your son. Whether it’s admitting one of you is better at school-week parenting than the other; or has the better house, district or access to his friends; or the shorter distance to his favorite activity: Just grow the erf up and do it. If you can’t, then enter mediation to do it. Anything but dumping that weight on your already traumatized kid. Or expecting him to handle it like you or any adult would.
Then apologize in your heart for the brat thing. Because, wow.
Readers’ thoughts:
· As a teacher, I would beg for thinking through what will make his school days the best — shorter commute, access to the best school, more friends, easier access to fun after-school activities, more support at home with homework. Your son is going through so much — you don’t want his schoolwork or friendships to suffer unnecessarily.
I hope you and his other parent grow up quickly. He will be leaving home in a few years, and you don’t have long to get this right. Your letter implies you don’t understand the needs of kids/teens and don’t have a habit of putting him first.
· I would not normally think it was a bad idea to give a 13-year-old a choice in what is his own life. But if he is refusing to decide, well, that is indicative of overwhelm, right?
· I’m a divorce lawyer. Consult a good, reputable mental health professional for help with this decision. But Carolyn is spot on: Whatever you do, take this burden off your son’s too-young shoulders and tell him that — NOW.
Link
I always thought Jennifer was divorced from the father of her 5-year-old, but I just found out she never was married.
I think she overheard me talking with my sister at a recent party about a 20-year-old girl we know who is having a baby. We agreed it was a shame that thoughtless, careless people procreate without intention, without marriage and without adequate income when it is so easy to prevent. It could have looked as if we were describing Jennifer — she got pregnant in college — but we definitely were not.
Should I address this misunderstanding with her, or hope it blows over?
— Misunderstood
Misunderstood: Or Option 3: Do a good, hard think about how freely you judge people.
That’s where the work needs doing. Any consequences with Jennifer are just collateral damage from views that have settled into smugness.
It also wasn’t a “misunderstanding.” You were talking with someone else in mind, yes, not Jennifer, but that’s a distinction without a difference. You were judging women who take the exact path Jennifer took as “thoughtless, careless people.” You weren’t not talking about her, for sure. She’s right to feel stung and wary of you. (Assuming that’s the issue.)
If you grow your empathy reserves enough to recognize that not all lives sort neatly into “right” or “wrong” boxes; that perfectly lovely people can stumble; and that they can carry themselves responsibly, morally and even admirably through the consequences, all while making choices radically different from the ones you’d make — then I suspect Jennifer will sense the change and soften toward you. And you won’t be crap-talking with your sister at parties.
But if you also decide, after some hard internal work, to tell Jennifer that you admire her as a mom and are grateful she’s in your son’s life, then that might help your case.
Link
2. Dear Carolyn: I am in the middle of a divorce, and my 13-year-old son is being, frankly, a brat about it. I get that divorce is hard on kids, but it’s hard on the adults, too, and I’m losing my patience with him.
The big issue right now is we have both agreed that we will allow him to decide whom he’s going to live with during the week (he’ll live with the other on weekends). This decision needs to be made soon, and he is flat-out refusing to decide. My soon-to-be ex and I are both at a loss on how to get a decision out of him. Any suggestions?
— Divorcing
Divorcing: No, you did not just call him a brat. No no no.
“It’s hard on the adults, too”?!
I am going to hope with all of my hope cells that you wrote this in a fit of exasperation and would like nothing more than to retract it. But in case you’re standing by it:
Your son had no say in the dissolution of his home and family. That is traumatic.
The say you are giving him, over which parent he will live with for more of his days than the other, is also traumatic. It is not a favor to a child of any age to make him choose one parent over the other. Do you have any concept of the guilt he will carry if he does make this choice on his own?
I back him 100 percent in not bowing to the pressure to make a decision that is beyond his maturity level.
You and your soon-to-be ex need to make this decision, now, egos aside, based on what you can agree is best for your son. Whether it’s admitting one of you is better at school-week parenting than the other; or has the better house, district or access to his friends; or the shorter distance to his favorite activity: Just grow the erf up and do it. If you can’t, then enter mediation to do it. Anything but dumping that weight on your already traumatized kid. Or expecting him to handle it like you or any adult would.
Then apologize in your heart for the brat thing. Because, wow.
Readers’ thoughts:
· As a teacher, I would beg for thinking through what will make his school days the best — shorter commute, access to the best school, more friends, easier access to fun after-school activities, more support at home with homework. Your son is going through so much — you don’t want his schoolwork or friendships to suffer unnecessarily.
I hope you and his other parent grow up quickly. He will be leaving home in a few years, and you don’t have long to get this right. Your letter implies you don’t understand the needs of kids/teens and don’t have a habit of putting him first.
· I would not normally think it was a bad idea to give a 13-year-old a choice in what is his own life. But if he is refusing to decide, well, that is indicative of overwhelm, right?
· I’m a divorce lawyer. Consult a good, reputable mental health professional for help with this decision. But Carolyn is spot on: Whatever you do, take this burden off your son’s too-young shoulders and tell him that — NOW.
Link
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LW is a grown-up, old enough to have grandchildren, and apparently never learned this simple lesson. Pay attention to your surroundings and think before you speak.
(Also, relatedly, never ever leave a paper trail. I used criminal activities as an example, as in that article, but just generally speaking I told them that if what you're writing down is going to blow up in your face, reconsider.)
2. WTF. LW, your son is telling you very clearly that he wants you two to be the adults. So be the adults. Determining the custody is your responsibility!
I agree that you should ask for his input. You ought to have done that long before you decided exactly how you'd divide the time. Maybe he'd prefer to trade weeks entirely rather than just have weekends with one parent and just have schoolweeks with another - or swap every two weeks or every month! Maybe he wants to know he can switch things up whenever he likes, as often as he likes. Heck, maybe he's sufficiently upset right now with both of you that he'd rather stay with Uncle Dave for a while until things cool down.
But you're not really asking for his input. You've already decided how to do it, and you also already decided to force him to sort out the last details.
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