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Well, this letter took a turn
Hi Carolyn: I can’t move past this. I have two teen daughters, and neither one has a good friend group. They don’t do any of the things I associate with “normal” teen stuff, such as talking daily, planning hangouts or going shopping, to football games or to dances. All my friends’ kids have that; it’s confirmed almost daily.
Both kids are aware they have “no friends.” I do believe they’re liked well enough, but also could end up eating lunch alone almost any day. They are good students, and they were kind, loyal friends when they did have them — back in elementary school. I find myself internally obsessing about whether I did something wrong here or whether it’s just their quirky personalities.
I’m downplaying it a bit, but amid some big life stresses, I’ve found myself thinking about the multiple family members who have died by suicide. When did their depression start? I cannot sleep on those days. Do you have advice for me?
— Angsty Parent
Angsty Parent: If your daughters are showing signs of depression (information at nami.org), then I urge you to make appointments for them with their pediatrician with the end goal (it can take awhile) of therapy for each. For you, too: You’ll want trained guidance on identifying and meeting the girls’ needs.
Your appointment is a good idea anyway, given your history, even if your girls are not depressed but merely solitary. Plus, “internally obsessing” is worth addressing for everyone’s benefit; it rarely remains inside, and it won’t help your kids if your stress spills over on them.
The cause of their detachment notwithstanding, I urge you to center yourself with the understanding that a lot of people — a ton, a horde — simply do not connect with high school socially and feel no draw to shopping, ballgames and dances. Like, massive numbers of people. Some find their alt-crowd, some power through their misery to graduation, some hear their own drummer just fine. Some siblings lean hard on each other. However they get there, your daughters could find themselves among friends or better friend-candidates on the other side of high school.
Plus, if they’re A-okay with having lunch alone, then they will enter adult life with a resourcefulness few possess at their ages.
https://www.washingtonpost.com/advice/2023/03/27/carolyn-hax-teen-daughters-no-friends/
Both kids are aware they have “no friends.” I do believe they’re liked well enough, but also could end up eating lunch alone almost any day. They are good students, and they were kind, loyal friends when they did have them — back in elementary school. I find myself internally obsessing about whether I did something wrong here or whether it’s just their quirky personalities.
I’m downplaying it a bit, but amid some big life stresses, I’ve found myself thinking about the multiple family members who have died by suicide. When did their depression start? I cannot sleep on those days. Do you have advice for me?
— Angsty Parent
Angsty Parent: If your daughters are showing signs of depression (information at nami.org), then I urge you to make appointments for them with their pediatrician with the end goal (it can take awhile) of therapy for each. For you, too: You’ll want trained guidance on identifying and meeting the girls’ needs.
Your appointment is a good idea anyway, given your history, even if your girls are not depressed but merely solitary. Plus, “internally obsessing” is worth addressing for everyone’s benefit; it rarely remains inside, and it won’t help your kids if your stress spills over on them.
The cause of their detachment notwithstanding, I urge you to center yourself with the understanding that a lot of people — a ton, a horde — simply do not connect with high school socially and feel no draw to shopping, ballgames and dances. Like, massive numbers of people. Some find their alt-crowd, some power through their misery to graduation, some hear their own drummer just fine. Some siblings lean hard on each other. However they get there, your daughters could find themselves among friends or better friend-candidates on the other side of high school.
Plus, if they’re A-okay with having lunch alone, then they will enter adult life with a resourcefulness few possess at their ages.
https://www.washingtonpost.com/advice/2023/03/27/carolyn-hax-teen-daughters-no-friends/
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So now I'm reluctantly a bit more sympathetic to LW, who, unlike most parents who write this sort of letter, has a valid reason to be concerned about the kids' mental health, even absent visible symptoms of problems just now.
However, I wish Carolyn had pointed out what seems very obvious to me: having multiple family members die by suicide is traumatic, plus, that genetic predisposition to mental health issues that may lead to suicide probably didn't skip a generation. LW needs to speak to a therapist, and possibly get a referal to a psychiatrist as well if it looks like they do have some condition, such as depression or anxiety, that might be best treated with medication. Presumably they'd know if they were self-harming or thinking of suicide, so there's that, but they might not know if they're suffering from other, more subtle things... especially if everything is something everybody else in the family suffers from as well.
It's not just the daughters who are at risk.
Other than that, I think Carolyn did a good job of balancing "In this particular case, you may have a good reason for your fears" with "but seriously, not everybody thinks your idea of a fun time is all that great".
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