agonyaunt | (no subject)

Dear Annie: On Valentine's Day this year, my wife and I did nothing together. That's because she feels hurt, and she is upset and mad at me. I said some words to her a few days ago, and then, like a fool, I did it again!

My wife has a tender heart, and she is sweet, kind, a great mother and an even better grandmother. So, what's the problem here? Well, she wears her tender heart on her sleeve, which makes her vulnerable to others' words -- especially to my words. I have that power over her, and I do not want that power.

Other people can hurt and upset her, but she says that I am the worst. She says when it happens, she is devastated, and she runs away and withdraws from me, sleeping in the second bedroom sometimes for many days. At this point we do nothing together, and she rarely even speaks to me. For me, these are the worst of times. I miss her. When we are in sync and together as one, well, those times for me are the best of times.

I have tried to explain to her that sometimes when I'm not thinking right, some words are said that I always regret. I have told her when that happens that it doesn't mean I don't love her. Her response is that if I really loved her, I would never say words that hurt her. Then, I say I'm not a perfect man and I have warts; I hate my warts and wish they were completely gone, but they are still here. We can go along months at a time, and then WHAM! My stupid words come and lay her out flat.

I want to say to her: "Who am I, that I should have so much power over you that I can bowl you over?" I want to say: "Could you choose to be stronger and not give me the power that you give me? Could you not allow me to be able to do that to you?" So Annie, we need help! Can you help us? -- Too Much Power

Dear Too Much Power: Your complaint is that you have too much power over your wife, but what I see is that you are totally powerless over yourself. Your wife is very sensitive, and it is likely that is what attracted you to her in the first place -- her caring, sensitive and sweet nature. Now these are qualities you are complaining about. Rewording your question for her, you might ask yourself, "Could you choose to be stronger and not give in to the impulse to insult her?"

Your letter is complaining about her problem, but you start it by admitting that you are powerless over your outbursts and insults. At best, this is a couples problem. Marriage counseling might be very helpful. Can you look in the mirror and see your yelling at her or putting her down as a problem that you create? Ask yourself, why am I powerless to stop it? It does sound like your wife takes her time in forgiveness, so maybe you could both compromise, where you will really work on the words that you speak to her, and she will forgive you. This is all assuming that they are small remarks. If in any way, shape, form or manner you are emotionally abusing her, then she should leave you and seek the help of a domestic violence hotline.

https://www.arcamax.com/healthandspirit/lifeadvice/dearannie/s-2791546

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Wow. Just, wow.

Listen, LW - grow up and start taking some responsibility for your actions! It's not your wife's fault that she's hurt by your words, it is your fault for repeatedly saying things that hurt her. And it's not your mean old words' fault for sneaking out your mouth without waking up your brain, it's your fault.

Awful lot of passive voice in there, LW.

There aren't many things that will damage a relationship quite like one person saying, "this thing you do hurts me," and the other person responding with some variation on, "tough cheese."

"...sometimes when I'm not thinking right, some words are said that I always regret."

This is just a marvel of its kind.

(I have no advice, just vague bogglement that this woman has stayed with this guy for long enough to have grandchildren.)

Words are said! Mistakes are made! It's like weather and he is totally innocent and blameless and helpless!

Wow, another one who cannot directly say what is happening. And if wife (a grandma!) is routinely hiding in the second bedroom for a week, I feel like the idea that these are somehow small remarks should probably be set aside. Maybe she's a really irrational and oversensitive person (they exist, I know!). But I doubt it.

So, what's the problem here? Well, she wears her tender heart on her sleeve, which makes her vulnerable to others' words -- especially to my words.

No, LW. Stop blaming your wife and take some responsibility. You are the one saying those words.

I have to vary a bit from the main line of the comments here: it's possible that LW's wife has something like Rejection-Sensitive Dysphoria going on, which is EXTREMELY wack to deal with from the outside (no idea what it's like on the inside, aside from obviously unpleasant).

One of my kids has RSD, and I have in the past made them cry with such statements as "hey, can you finish cleaning up the table?" (because asking them to finish a task made them feel like I hated them for not finishing it without being asked) and "please remember to take a shower tonight!" (because obviously I thought they were disgusting and stinky).

The "not thinking right" tells me it's likely the husband, and he may have some reason for that (substance abuse? general absent-mindedness? being a jerk?) but it could also be her. Or both of them.

LW describing himself as "not thinking right" and "stupid" suggested to me that he might be internalizing years of such comments from his wife. The use of passive voice actually makes me wonder whether LW feels powerless because his wife's reactions are so unpredictable.

I don't know whether LW or his wife is the real culprit here. Maybe both, like you said. I do know that sometimes I feel overwhelmed and overstimulated from the demands of my job and kids, and combined with stress and lack of sleep, I can become very sensitive. At such times, I have to work to not respond negatively and defensively to comments from friends and family that I perceive differently because of my mental state. It takes effort to summon a little fortitude and take responsibility for not over-reacting.

LW is responsible for his words, but I'm not ready to give the wife a pass. She is also responsible for her reactions.

Yeah, I'm not willing to make a judgement of who's at fault here. It could be that the husband is saying truly deeply hurtful things and trying to erase responsibility; it could be that the husband is saying things like "You look nice in that dress" which set her off for whatever reason and he sometimes reaches his limit of mapping the minefield.

It's also entirely possible that there's a culture clash here! If he came from a family where winging insults at each other is a form of affection and she came from one where it's a threat of violence, he may be truly doing his best to retrain himself and she's not giving him any grace about it. (Or he could be using that as an excuse to not truly try to retrain himself.)

It could be both. It's probably both. He may have a history of saying truly hurtful things and blowing them off, which only made it more likely for her to also react badly to things that aren't.

But honestly either way, her withdrawing completely for days at a time isn't the way to work with a marriage. The way he's phrasing it as him having too much power over her makes me wonder if this is a word that comes up a lot in their marriage, in which case someone needs to point out that her withdrawing completely with no warning is *her* exerting power over *him*, and they both need to work on better ways to negotiate that. (Probably with therapy!)