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agonyaunt2022-11-03 11:11 am
ermingarden) wrote in agonyaunt2022-11-03 11:11 am
Entry tags:
Miss Manners: The Urn
Dear Miss Manners: After my uncle recently died, a cousin sent me some cremated remains that had been in his custody, saying they were the ashes of my beloved surrogate grandmother, Paula, who died about 20 years ago.
The remains are in an ornate, beautiful Chinese urn that has been passed lovingly around that branch of the family for years. I was honored to receive it.
The problem? This is not Paula. I attended the scattering of Paula’s ashes at sea.
I worked in a mortuary for years and have had much experience with cremated remains, so I can also say that this was not done by an American funeral home in the last 30 years. It is unlike anything I have ever seen.
No one in my family has ever had any idea that this urn contains anyone other than Paula. Of course, I intend to treat my unexpected guest with all respect and reverence, but I’m not sure how best to accomplish that.
Your predicament reminds Miss Manners of the Gilbert and Sullivan general who brags about his ancestral tombs, only to be reminded that he purchased the estate quite recently.
“I don’t know whose ancestors they were,” the general answers haughtily, “but I know whose ancestors they are.”
If you can break the news gently to the remaining members of the family, perhaps you can all agree that, like the tomb of the unknown soldier, the urn can stand in as a way to honor both Paula and the unnamed surrogate who was tardily adopted into the family.
The remains are in an ornate, beautiful Chinese urn that has been passed lovingly around that branch of the family for years. I was honored to receive it.
The problem? This is not Paula. I attended the scattering of Paula’s ashes at sea.
I worked in a mortuary for years and have had much experience with cremated remains, so I can also say that this was not done by an American funeral home in the last 30 years. It is unlike anything I have ever seen.
No one in my family has ever had any idea that this urn contains anyone other than Paula. Of course, I intend to treat my unexpected guest with all respect and reverence, but I’m not sure how best to accomplish that.
Your predicament reminds Miss Manners of the Gilbert and Sullivan general who brags about his ancestral tombs, only to be reminded that he purchased the estate quite recently.
“I don’t know whose ancestors they were,” the general answers haughtily, “but I know whose ancestors they are.”
If you can break the news gently to the remaining members of the family, perhaps you can all agree that, like the tomb of the unknown soldier, the urn can stand in as a way to honor both Paula and the unnamed surrogate who was tardily adopted into the family.
no subject
The only other option I see here is that at some point someone was clearing out a relative's stuff who wasn't close to Paula, asked what the urn was, somebody else said "idk, maybe Paula?" and it became gospel among the part of the family who hadn't been involved with Paula's death? In which case I'd wonder if it is actually some other distant family member.