Today, I called a Black co-worker by the name of a different Black co-worker; I am white. I work in a large hospital, we have a lot of temporary workers, and I’d only met the one whose name I knew once. The scorn of the one I called the wrong name was evident and rightfully earned, though she was polite. I have a lot of excuses (the above, plus masks, plus the end of a tiring week) and justifications (I think I have just as much trouble matching the names and faces of the white temporary workers), but I know none of that matters. Embarrassingly, my husband and children are Black. I loathe myself for doing this, and not for the first time. My question is “how do I respond if I do this again?” and “how do I stop doing this?” (I don’t have any condition like face-blindness, by the way.)

I feel for you because I know it’s mortifying to be in your position. And I feel for your Black coworker even more. It’s really a downer to experience something like this because you can’t help but take it as a reminder that the person who’s called you by the wrong name is so fixated on your race that they can’t see you as an individual with your own unique qualities. And a big, awkward apology—especially one that makes you feel like it’s your job to smooth everything over—can only make you feel worse. I guarantee the last thing she wants is a “Just making sure we’re okay …” Slack message or email. So I think your “How do I respond if I do this again?” question is a good one. I would suggest a brief, clear “I am so sorry. That mistake was unacceptable and I’m going to do better,” rather than a longer explanation, excessive self-flagellation, or a mention of how you confuse white colleagues, too. And definitely don’t ask your colleague to reassure you that it’s okay.

But hopefully you won’t have to apologize if you don’t do it again. And I think that’s possible.

I actually answered a question similar to yours in a different advice column many years ago. That one came from a Black person who had greeted an Asian receptionist with the name of another Asian colleague. When I made some calls to help out that letter writer, I learned about the “cross race effect,” which is what is at work when you have a harder time recognizing or distinguishing between members of racial ethnic groups other than your own. I spoke to Kurt Hugenberg, a professor who had spent much of his career studying stereotyping, prejudice, and cross-race face identification. You can read the whole response here, but what it boils down to is that this is a normal thing that happens when you don’t see that many people of a certain race (even if you see three at home, that’s not a lot!), and to overcome it, you have to make a point of paying attention to what makes the people you do see unique, rather than getting stuck on what makes them similar. That’s something you can do even when people are wearing masks, because it’s not all about physical appearance. So maybe one Black temporary coworker wears fun earrings and the other is always seen with a big cup of coffee. Maybe you have a conversation and learn that one is from the Midwest and one is from California. And then you remind yourself to notice and remember these things rather than just their ethnicity. That takes a little more mental work, but maybe it can eventually become a habit. You’ll avoid future mortifying moments and your colleagues will start to believe—with good reason because it will actually be true—that you’re actually seeing them for who they are.