1. DEAR HARRIETTE: My husband is a Gemini, and boy does he act like one. He treats me so nicely when we are in public. But the moment we get home or out of earshot of other people, he is mean and nasty. It's kind of shocking how he behaves.

We just went to an event, and he was so sweet and kind to me and everyone else. I thought to myself how lovely our evening was. Then, when we were at home, he was watching TV, and he mentioned something to me about what he was watching. When I asked him to clarify what he meant, he yelled at me that he had already answered in the most venomous tone ever. At first I was taken aback. Then I realized there was no audience. He could go back to being his secretly mean self. I can't stand it. Whenever I point it out, he dismisses it, saying I am too sensitive. I don't want to live like this. -- Two-Faced

DEAR TWO-FACED: Do you call your husband out on his behavior when he treats you meanly? Do you stand up for yourself? Even though that may be hard to do, if you do not challenge him, he may not even realize that he is doing it. So speak up and ask him why he is talking to you in that tone. Tell him that it hurts your feelings when he is mean to you. Point out how he acts in public versus in private. Tell him how you want to be treated. Ask him if he is willing to attempt to be more thoughtful and kind to you.

If the answer is yes, help him to notice the times that he is harsh and disrespectful so he can learn to mend his ways. If he is unwilling to consider altering the ways that he interacts with you, you will have to make a tough decision. Is it worth it for you to stay in an emotionally abusive relationship?

Healthline.com lists these as some signs of an abusive relationship to look out for: name-calling and derogatory nicknames, character assassination, yelling, patronizing, public embarrassment, dismissiveness, joking, belittling your personal appearance, putting down your interests and pushing your buttons. If your husband is doing any of these, what's your next step?

https://www.arcamax.com/healthandspirit/lifeadvice/senseandsensitivity/s-2675361

2. DEAR NATALIE: My boyfriend and I got into an explosive fight the other night over what is happening with Roe V. Wade. I had never asked – or thought to ask him – his thoughts on abortion. We’ve been together almost a year and we don’t talk politics much. But, the other night I was expressing how scared I am at the thought of it being overturned. He went on this long rant about women and abortion and being “pro-life.” It was actually hard to listen to him discuss how I basically don’t have the right over my own body. I flipped out and left the room. He’s been texting me all week, but I am having a hard time getting that conversation out of my head. He has apologized, but how can I be with someone who thinks so little of me? My sister told me I should just forgive him and move forward, but how can I? This feels like a big hurdle to me. Any advice? –HARD TO UNDERSTAND

DEAR HARD TO UNDERSTAND: My cousin, who is a psychologist, once gave me a great piece of relationship advice. I will share it with you: “It isn’t enough to love each other to make it last. You need to have the same vision of the future.” In this case, the very future is at stake. If you don’t agree over something as fundamental as bodily autonomy, I fear this issue may continue to pop up as the relationship progresses. Where does he stand on other issues related to human rights and how does this play into how he treats others as he moves in the world? No, we don’t need to agree on everything or look at everything from the same lens. But, the right to govern your own body and create your own destiny is a fundamental part of your existence as a human being. It’s hard to have a partnership when you aren’t viewed as an equal. Unless he’s willing to understand and respect your bodily autonomy, I don’t see how this relationship will be beneficial or healthy for either of you.

https://www.uexpress.com/life/ask-natalie/2022/05/18

3. DEAR HARRIETTE: I am a 35-year-old woman who is married to a man four years older than me. Within a year of landing my first high-paying job, I was unfortunately laid off due to budget cuts. The day that I lost my job, I told my husband that I would need him to support me until I get back on my feet; my severance pay would last us only a few months. He hesitantly agreed to continue paying half of the rent and to help out with my student loan payments, but he told me that I'll need to figure out how to pay for everything else (my personal needs, gas, etc.). His hesitance is what bothered me the most. My husband makes more than me -- and always has. I should be able to lean on him at a time like this. My friends and family all agree that his wavering support is cause for worry. When I'm back on my feet, would it be ridiculous to consider separating? -- Unsupportive

DEAR UNSUPPORTIVE: It is too early to jump to conclusions about whether or not you should leave your husband when you get back on your feet. He was likely shocked by your sudden change of circumstances and definitely didn't handle it well. Keep an open dialogue with him as you go through this challenging period. Tell him you need him to be your sounding board now as you redefine yourself and find a new job. Invite him to step up and truly be there for you. Losing a job is in the top 10 life stressors for people. How you two manage this moment is what will give you a glimpse of the future. Don't be so hasty as to plan your departure now. Instead, be in the present and make the absolute most of it. Then assess where you want to go next.

https://www.arcamax.com/healthandspirit/lifeadvice/senseandsensitivity/s-2676440

4. DEAR HARRIETTE: I asked my husband to go to therapy with me, and you would have thought I had told him the Earth is flat. He looked at me incredulously and shook his head. He used to go to therapy before we met -- for years! I thought of him as a progressive person, as someone who is proactive about taking care of himself, inside and out. But after we met (many years ago), he said that was that, and he didn’t need therapy anymore.

My husband and I have fought about all kinds of things over the years. Whenever I address how he talks to me -- which I think is often rude and dismissive -- he blows it off, saying I am too sensitive. If I push back, everything escalates, and it turns into a screaming match. So I usually just swallow it. But I’m tired of doing that. I want things to be better, and I can’t figure out how to deal with it alone. We need help. How can I get him to go to counseling? -- Need Help

DEAR NEED HELP: Remind your husband of how he used to address challenges that he faced, including the fact that he chose to go to therapy years ago and said it benefited him. Then recommend that the two of you go to therapy now. Explain that you believe your relationship needs some help to get back on course. Point out that the tone he often uses when talking to you makes you uncomfortable. Give him specific examples of conversations when you felt he was being mean or dismissive. Describe the moment vividly and distinctly, but without emotion -- if at all possible. Report the facts as you know them and how it made you feel. Also, tell him that when you push back, he digs in further, which makes you more uncomfortable.

Appeal to your husband’s better nature. Tell him you think that professional counseling can help the two of you get to the bottom of whatever is bothering you on a core level so that you can deal with it.

Hopefully he will agree. Either way, you should go. Therapy will help you develop tools to deal with your challenges.

https://www.uexpress.com/life/sense-and-sensitivity/2022/05/23