I thought these two letters juxtaposed interestingly.

Dear Care and Feeding, My ex-husband and I have 50/50 custody of our 12-year-old son. My ex also has a new baby with his second wife, who is significantly younger and quite attractive. Recently my son tried to talk to his dad because he found himself getting aroused when his stepmom breastfeeds in front of him, and he wanted a free pass to leave the room when it happened, rather than getting in trouble for excusing himself in the middle of dinner, etc. My ex blew up and called our son a pervert. Now he’s freaking out because he thinks he’s some kind of monster who needs to be locked up, and he doesn’t want to go back to his dad’s. How can I reassure him that this is totally normal (it’s normal, right?) and try to get my ex and his wife to show him a little understanding? I got the impression that my ex doesn’t want his wife to even know about this—do I need to bypass him, if necessary, and speak to her? What do I even say?

— Mom in the Middle

Dear Mom in the Middle,

Let your son know, which I’m sure you have already, that there is nothing wrong with him and that his body is simply going through a stage where he is very easily excited, sometimes on occasions in which he knows it isn’t “right” to be excited. He had a very normal physical reaction for someone his age, and he did the right thing by asking his father to allow him to leave the room during nursing, even if it doesn’t feel that way right now. It was brave of him to share something that embarrassing. While you don’t want to pile on your ex in front of your son, you can say that his reaction was disappointing, it was wrong for him to call his son a pervert, and that you are going to talk to him about it.

Your ex is being completely unreasonable here. He should know, at his big age, that penises have minds of their own and are known to respond to certain stimuli regardless of how inappropriate it may be—especially for a 12-year-old boy. Explain to him (if he’ll listen to reason) that your son’s reaction is not his fault, nor is it a sign of some sort of moral failing or deviant sexuality. While your son does have to learn how to compose himself when he’s surprised by an erection at an inopportune time, let your ex know that it’s more than fair for him to ask to excuse his pubescent self in the presence of something that makes him uncomfortable. Hopefully, he can quickly get past the shock of what your son shared; the information itself may have been awkward for a man to hear about his wife, but the only thing at all remarkable here is that your son was honest about his challenges instead of keeping them to himself.

You probably shouldn’t say anything to the stepmother. You don’t know if she’s aware of this situation at all, and it doesn’t seem to be the nature of your relationship for the two of you to have important conversations without your ex present. Focus on reminding your son—and his father—that he’s just a typical kid. Best of luck to you.

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Dear Care and Feeding,

My first wife died after a relapse into alcoholism when our son “Sam” was four, just days after I had hired a divorce attorney. Because I was already done with the selfishness and pain she brought to our family, I was ready to move on quickly. Three years later I married my now-wife, and she adopted Sam. They bonded quickly. I’ve always felt that she’s talked too much about his birth mom. Now, as he’s entering his teens, he has tons of questions about her. This year, he asked us to take him to her grave for Mother’s Day, and I’m angry. I haven’t been to her grave since the funeral, and I have no reason to go. He has a wonderful loving mother to spend the day with, and no reason to ruin it remembering someone so selfish she couldn’t even put down the bottle to see him grow up. My wife offered to take him, and we got into the worst argument we’ve ever had. I don’t see any reason to waste time on her memory, since neither of them knew her the way I did. How do I resolve this?

—It’s in the Past

Dear IitP,

I think you may need professional help resolving this for yourself, since hanging on to this rage is poisoning you. Your bitterness and fury may also end up poisoning your relationship with your current wife, or with your child. I am not going to “waste time” trying to persuade you that alcoholism, or what is now called alcohol use disorder, is a disease, and that your son’s mother’s inability to “put down the bottle to see him grow up” was more complex and awful and deeply sad than it was “selfish.” But I will tell you that your second wife has handled this entire situation with enormous grace, sensitivity, and love, and you would be wise to be grateful for this. Of course your son has questions about his mother! Of course he wants to find a way to remember her. I understand that it infuriates you that neither he nor his second mother appear to sympathize with you for what you went through, and that you want them both to be as angry and hurt as you are. But what would be gained by this? More love trumps more anger. And while you don’t have to find it in your heart to forgive (or even to allow a tiny glimmer of compassion to color your feelings about) your late first wife, it would lighten your own burden through the rest of your life if you found a way to work through your anger. And not demanding that your wife and child carry that heavy burden with you would be an act of great love for them.