agonyaunt | (no subject)

(no subject)

Dear Amy: My stepdaughter, “Serena,” and her husband, “Ned,” have two small children, ages 2 and 4. They also both have demanding, stressful jobs.

During the pandemic, in order to help out, I offered to cook dinner four nights a week for her family.

Serena very much appreciates my help and almost always enjoys what I cook – soup, chili, meatloaf, spaghetti sauce, stews, chicken enchiladas, and the like. All dishes that transport easily.

The problem is that Ned does not like onions. I put onions in almost every entree I prepare!

His mother apparently catered to this aversion and never used onions in her cooking. Of course, I could leave out the onions in the portions I give her family, but Sarah wouldn’t find the dishes so palatable.

In addition, their two children might develop the same aversion, so omitting onions would only perpetuate the problem.

Also, to me, leaving out onions deprives this family of the opportunity to try new tastes.

Do you have any words of wisdom?

– Bay Area Stepmom Cook

Dear Cook: My basic reaction is – if this is you “helping out,” then I wonder what service you would perform if you were deliberately trying to disrespect someone.

I think it’s unkind to deliberately provide someone a food containing an ingredient that you know they have an adverse reaction to (or simply don’t eat), with no option on their part to remove the ingredient.

Onions can make some people ill. They tend to add a strong flavor to foods, and so if you merely hate the taste of onions, it’s not like you can just eat around them.

It would be kindest to leave them out of your cooked foods – or include two versions of these dishes. Every time your son-in-law witnessed this thoughtfulness, he would think: “She remembered me!”

Is this “catering” to someone? Yes! If your stepdaughter had a similar aversion, wouldn’t you cater to it?

You don’t want someone’s aversion to control your cooking, but another way to look at it is – if you did recognize this man’s challenge and did your best to work around it – you’d be demonstrating to this family that you are performing an act of service as a way to convey your love and respect for each of them, not just for the onion-eaters.

You should not be in charge of (or worrying about) the palates of these young children. That’s their parents’ job.

https://www.freep.com/story/life/advice/2022/04/12/stepmothers-generous-cooking-leaves-out-love/7282284001/

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It's interesting how LW thinks Ned has some quasi-moral imperative to expand his palate, but she does not have a corresponding need to expand her repertoire to include more onion-free dishes.

Also, LW is literally catering to these people, so if she doesn't want to do it to their specifications it ought to be easy enough to say "Sorry, you gotta cook for yourselves from now on" and find some other way to help them out.

Is this “catering” to someone? Yes! If your stepdaughter had a similar aversion, wouldn’t you cater to it?

She would not, and she'd take the opportunity to insult Stepdaughter's mother in the process.

I'm so happy I'm in no way related to LW. I have just enough food allergies to make me fear anything she cooks.

People are so weird about food. Like, just, so weird.

I have a sibling who's an extremely picky eater, getting through childhood on milk, PBJs, and Kraft mac & cheese. While their palate has expanded in adulthood, they still won't eat many foods. My niblings, nonetheless, will eat almost anything you put in front of them. So the whole "what about their kids' palates???" thing, besides not being LW's problem or business, is not even a problem. People who want to and are able to eat adventurously usually figure out how to do it. And onions are not exactly a rare flavor in American cuisine; the kids will run across them at some point, and they will like them or not.

It is even less LW's job to force a grown-ass adult to eat a food they don't like. We're not talking about the people who try my dad's vegetarian chili, say "wow, that's good!", and then when they're told it's vegetarian go "ew, I don't want to eat that". We're talking about someone who has had a lifelong aversion to a particular food, one that's so common as to make eating out more difficult.

(Also, has stepdaughter actually *said* to LW "yeah, it doesn't taste as good without onion", or is LW just assuming stepdaughter won't find the foods as tasty?)

Very true, especially since I suspect sibling is a supertaster.

There is not a SINGLE dish on that list that requires onions to be palatable. What, and I mean this most sincerely, the FUCK.

Honestly, I've had to cut onions and garlic out of my diet due to developing sensitivities to them and I don't find leaving them out affects the flavor of most dishes at all.

Exactly! I stopped cooking with onions when they were the most obvious thing that Eldest Would. Not. Eat, and then garlic when it turned out that Youngest can't eat that either, and I've never missed onions (garlic a little. not enough that I really care). In fact, I'd go so far as to say I've the opposite of missed them, in that not having to deal with them is fabulous.

I love to cook and I love alliums. I lived for several years with someone who can't stand onions and garlic, so I left them out of my cooking (not least since it was her house, so it would be unfair to get the smell into the place whether or not she would be eating any particular dish). Sometimes I missed them, but the lack didn't kill anyone and I'd like to think my cooking was still worth eating in those days.

In other words, LW, I have been where you are, and so I know you are being terrible.

Right. I used to start pretty much everything I cooked by sauteeing onions. Then I moved in with my now-wife. Who doesn't like onions. So I rarely cook with them. It has not been terribly hard!

Woot!

I'd like to think my cooking was still worth eating in those days.

Indeed it was. Very much so.

*beams* Thank you for the vote of confidence. :)

God, I hate the idea that food dislikes are some kind of moral failing, or something that can be fixed, instead of, you know, someone just not caring for a particular food. My parents were of the, "You will eat this food you don't like, and if you don't, you will sit at the table until you do" school, and I never "learned to like" lima beans or cooked carrots. I did learn to like other foods, but mostly not the way my mother cooked them.

I mean, I have some sympathy. If I were trying to provide four meals a week with no garlic, it would be a serious struggle. But hey, learning experience! A chance to try new recipes! And I could just put the garlic into a yogurt sauce or something similar.

Edited 2022-04-13 15:30 (UTC)

None of us kids liked the peas in frozen pot pies. They're just soggy and nasty that way. Mom would take the pot pie with the most peas in it and not care if we pushed them aside. Once we were all adults, I was chatting with Mom and that came up - turns out she hates peas in pot pies too, but she'd take the worst one so we didn't have to.

Hee. I wish I could eat pot pies, but I hate every vegetable in them, at least cooked.

I hoped this would show up here, because like the Husband I loathe onions-when they're even a little bit raw. When I was a kid, I generalized this to "all onions in any preparation, including completely caramelized.

Eventually, I figured out that the raw sulphurous taste/spiciness that smacks you in the face when you crunch into one also gave me vegetal crunch issues with alliums.

(My first foray into cooked onion-loving was french onion soup, in a restaurant, because I wanted the crouton. It changed my life.)

So SIL may actually have an aversion to only raw or only cooked onions. He may have only a texture aversion. He may hate bulb onions but be fine with green onions. He may or may not enjoy leeks.

I get that this community is very much on team "it is always without exception rude and unreasonable to ask anyone to even think about examining their food preferences for any reason" but I'm not and I think there's the very real possibility of an option that makes both LW and SIL happy, AND SIL with a new array of things he didn't know he coulde enjoy eating.

I do not think that either LW or SIL possess the willingness or goodwill for each other to make that solution work.

I don't know about other commenters, but I'd be more inclined to push compromise if LW wasn't so grossly disparging about food preferences, and so hypocritical about his "need" to branch out vs hers.

That is why I said I don't think eithet LW or son in law are equipped to do the work to figure out exactly what it is SIL doesn't like about the food. Especially not together, yes.

Heh, As You Know, Bob, I actually spend a regular chunk of my time encouraging someone to examine their food preferences. But that's for a specific medical reason and under professional supervision, etc etc etc. If LW weren't so intransingent, Working With Ned On Alliums might be a fun and bonding project for better times.

Yeah, the thing is that everyone--especially when the picky eater is an adult--has to go in with good faith, which the LW doesn't have.

But I also can't help but think that if son in law would have an overall better life if he figured out that, for example, the texture of cooked onions is sensory hell and he's fine with onion powder, or fresh onions blended down into a liquid base like you get in a lot of Indian recipes. Or that he actually hates the taste of raw and partially cooked onions but not completely cooked ones. I want to know if he'll eat various things made with stock, any non-Jain red-colored curries, or stuff with onions in it that he doesn't know have onions in it.

The LW is not the person to help him figure that out.

Clearly we have to invite him over for dinner. :)

Here here!

Before the life changing onion soup, my entries to allium appreciation were sour cream and onion potato chips, funyons, burger king onion rings, and French's crispy fried onions. I'd call all of them onion adjacent, but they were instrumental to getting me to accept the idea of onion as something I could enjoy.

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