agonyaunt | (no subject)

Dear Annie: My daughter is marrying a widower, "Hank," with three children. The problem is with "Gail," the mother of his late wife.

My daughter includes Gail in the daily household activities, including holidays and birthdays. The children have pictures of their mom (Hank's late wife) hung up in their home and speak often about her.

Gail is not very nice to my daughter. She purposely calls her the wrong name. She says she does this because my daughter's name reminds her of her daughter.

Gail has done other things — such as pull the children out of school after being told not to. She has taken them to doctors and dentists for appointments without talking to my daughter or their father. She has been asked to back off some. My daughter understands that Gail jumped in and helped for a year and that it might be difficult for her to turn over these responsibilities, so she has been patient with Gail. But they have been together for 18 months now and live together as a family.

The issue is that my daughter decided not to invite Gail to the wedding. This is intended to be a special day about the bride and groom. My daughter was concerned that Gail might speak ill of her to other guests, as has happened on other occasions. The invitations were sent out, and Gail immediately wanted to know where hers was. My daughter explained, as nicely as possible, that she was not invited. My daughter was immediately met with mean, hateful comments.

Gail then called the grandkids' paternal grandmother — Hank's mom — and complained to her for 40 minutes.

The wedding had to be rescheduled due to COVID-19, and the delay has put the issue back to square one. Gail has started all over, assuming she will get an invitation. Is my daughter wrong to exclude her? — Wedding Drama

Dear Wedding Drama: If you have to ask the question, you probably know the answer. Yes, it is wrong for your daughter not to invite the grandmother of her stepchildren to the wedding. Your daughter is not starting fresh with Hank; she's marrying a man who comes with a family that suffered a tragedy. While Gail's behavior does sound a bit intrusive, try to remember where she is coming from. She lost her daughter. She is probably devastated, and her daughter's children are going to be another woman's stepchildren. Try to show compassion for Gail. You and your daughter don't have to love her, but you certainly have to learn to be kind and gracious to her. She should continue to be a part of your stepchildren's lives — hopefully forever — and I think it is up to your daughter and Hank to facilitate that.

As far as the negative talk about your daughter, no one needs that at their wedding. Your daughter and Hank should have a very direct conversation with Gail, explaining that they will not tolerate drama on their special day and that she is invited only on the condition that she meet their kindness with kindness.

https://www.creators.com/read/dear-annie/02/21/marrying-into-family-drama

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So, first of all, let's all note that LW didn't name her own daughter in this letter, even though this letter is ostensibly about her. I will call this woman "Ethel", because that's a name I like.

Secondly, this is not Ethel's wedding, or, rather, it's not her wedding alone. It's her and Hank's wedding, and presumably they both have input over the guest list. If Gail has been thoroughly uninvited, that's because the engaged couple does not want her there - and I don't blame them! She sounds awful, and if anything, they haven't gone far enough. Keep her from the wedding? I'm wondering if they need to keep her away from the kids after some of the described stunts she's pulling.

Ethel and Hank need to seriously limit contact with Gail, and it's very likely that they'll want to start reducing contact with LW as well. Not because she takes Gail's side, but because she thinks it's her job to meddle in a decision that has literally nothing to do with her.

(But then again, I'm not convinced that LW isn't Gail after all. Doesn't it sound like the sort of thing she'd do?)

... I dunno, I think Gail would be unlikely to admit to badmouthing or yelling at the LW's daughter. On the other hand maybe she added that in for verisimilitude?

Ugh, LW's Daughter, grab Hank and the children and Run Away!

I think Gail would be unlikely to admit to badmouthing or yelling at the LW's daughter

True. Maybe I just don't want to believe that LW would be so horrible to her own kid and for no flipping reason.

WHAT.

I KNOW.

This is so weird. Their wedding is not about Gail at all. Even if she was a great person, there's no reason to invite her, just because she's the kids' grandmother. It's not the kids' wedding...

If it's a big enough wedding then there can be pressure to invite all sorts of random folks. "The kid's other grandmother from their dead mom" is the sort of person I probably would invite if her personality wasn't abhorrent.

If you know that a potential wedding guest is going to cause issues by badmouthing the bride at the wedding, then it makes perfect sense to drop her from the guest list. This is a "based on past behavior" issue, not a "wrongful exclusion" issue. Also, the LW isn't one of the people getting married, so I'm not sure why they get a say in the matter at all? The whole letter screams None Of Your Business to me.

Love the suggestion they should have a very direct conversation with Gail. After all, the world is filled with unreasonable people who just need a direct conversation to make them change into kind, considerate folk.

Hah.

LW's daughter and future SIL certainly are not wrong to exclude Gail from the wedding. But that's not the relevant question. The right question is: by choosing not to invite Gail, are they improving their situation or making it worse? They need to decide on their strategy for handling Gail, and the wedding invitation should be considered as part of that strategy.

They can decide to cut Gail off or substantially reduce Gail's role in their lives. After more than a year of trying to make things work, that sure would be my choice. Taking this approach, excluding Gail from the wedding is the right call. However, if they plan to try to somehow work things out with Gail, to continue including her in "daily household activities, including holidays and birthdays," then excluding Gail from the wedding will probably make life more difficult, and they need to think hard about whether it's worth it.

Yeah, it seemed weird to me that this was the first (and only?) place she mentioned her daughter making a stand. It’s one single day—all the other days are the ongoing problem.

Also, no mention of whether Hank was involved in this invite situation. He’s really the one who needs to step up on communications here.

Yeah, while I have no opinion on husband's late wife's mother's right to attend his second wedding, it does seem odd to exclude "someone who does so much of the childcare they take the kids to doctors' appointments without the a parent" from the kids' father's wedding. If she's really such a horror you won't have her at the wedding, your first step should be getting her out of her childcare role! Someone who can't be trusted at the wedding shouldn't be allowed to pick the kids up from school! This is, all else aside, extremely mixed messages.

However, if you want to keep using her as an unpaid nanny, then yes, you should invite her to the wedding even if you don't get along. You don't get to use her for labor but exclude her otherwise.

It sounds like what's going on is they don't want her doing the childcare anymore, or at least soon-to-be-stepmom doesn't, and she refuses to stop, which could be a really tough situation, but if you can't figure out how to stop her from just driving off with the kids whenever she wants, the wedding invitation is kind of a minor issue, I would think. But honestly I don't trust a single thing LW says here.

How old are the kids? Do they have an opinion, here? Your dead wife's mom's feelings might not be relevant, but surely the kids' feelings are relevant in a remarriage, and whether their grandma at the wedding is relevant to them.

I would normally agree, but when the woman is being so viciously nasty to her grandkid's soon-to-be stepmother, then she's proving that she's not the sort of person the kids should be encouraged to spend time with.

Fair! I am surprised their relationship with their grandmother is absent, but you're right.

I'm surprised that LW's daughter's name is absent, so surprised that nothing else can shock me at all.

Where is Hank in all of this? What decisions is he making? What actions is he taking?

(I know: broken record, but this is just weird.)

'Gail jumped in and helped for a year' totally sounds like she took care of the children pretty much on her own (she takes them to doctors and dentist appointments of which the dad has no idea? Um) , so that might be why Hank doesn't do anything to make her stop being horrible with his new wife. Also, LW mentions the children having pictures of their dead mom and talking about her in a way that suggests she thinks they shouldn't, which. Um.