conuly: (Default)
conuly ([personal profile] conuly) wrote in [community profile] agonyaunt2020-05-17 07:01 pm

Wife Resists Husband's Plan To Cut Ties With His Family

DEAR ABBY: My mother-in-law is the WORST! She has no respect for me. She has stolen, lied and gossiped about me numerous times. Each time, I chose to forgive and move on.

Recently, my husband made clear that he wants to cut ties with his mother and siblings because they constantly belittle his success and ask to borrow money. My problem is, I can't agree to it. I despise his mother, but I was raised to believe families should never sever ties. I believe every family has its ups and downs.

My husband and I constantly argue because I continue to communicate with his mother and extend invitations to her. Abby, I just want to do the right thing, but I can't seem to figure out what the right thing to do is. -- S.O.S. IN GUAM


DEAR S.O.S.: Your husband's family is a threat to your financial stability and emotional health. Unless you want continuing discord in your marriage, respect your husband's wishes. Recognize that his family is extremely dysfunctional and do as he asks. If you don't, the arguments will escalate until they damage your relationship with him.

https://www.arcamax.com/healthandspirit/lifeadvice/dearabby/s-2360784
cereta: blue circular loom, loom knitting needle, green thread (loom knitting)

[personal profile] cereta 2020-05-17 11:31 pm (UTC)(link)
Okay. Let's pretend that somehow, LW had an actual good relationship with their MiL. I would still be arguing that LW should privilege their spouse's wishes. Forcibly keeping his mother in his life when he doesn't want her there is not just a problem; it's borderline abusive.

In this instance, when LW doesn't even like their MiL...this smacks of performative martyrdom. I get that there is considerable pressure to keep family ties, especially with parents, so I don't doubt that LW thinks their motives are pure. But there's part of me that wonders how much of this is not wanting to be seen as the bad guy.
mommy: Wanda Maximoff; Scarlet Witch (Default)

[personal profile] mommy 2020-05-17 11:55 pm (UTC)(link)
This is a case where the right thing to do is to respect your husband and support him as he recovers from cutting off a toxic group of people from your shared life. Family doesn't mean much without respect, and his family has clearly failed to provide it. There are circumstances where it might make sense to reach out to his relatives, but this isn't one of them.
sathari: (I can't explain and I won't even try)

[personal profile] sathari 2020-05-17 11:56 pm (UTC)(link)
..................................OMG. I can't with this one, especially with the number of advice-column LWs who would give ANYTHING to have their spouse cut ties with spouse's toxic family. I just. What. No. How is this a thing that I am reading.
tielan: (Default)

[personal profile] tielan 2020-05-18 03:24 am (UTC)(link)
That was my thought, too.
watersword: Keira Knightley, in Pride and Prejudice (2007), turning her head away from the viewer, the word "elizabeth" written near (Default)

[personal profile] watersword 2020-05-18 12:12 am (UTC)(link)
Is this real??? Is this a thing????? Did a human person write this????????
minoanmiss: Nubian girl with dubious facial expression (dubious Nubian girl)

[personal profile] minoanmiss 2020-05-18 12:43 am (UTC)(link)
I know, right? Did an actual human brain put this together?!??!?!
lemonsharks: (Default)

[personal profile] lemonsharks 2020-05-18 02:10 am (UTC)(link)
LW identifies her location as Guam - there's a nonzero possibility that she is a Polynesian woman in a biracial relationship, which would change the approach to the advice but not the content (you have to follow your spouse's lead in how you deal with their family.).
cimorene: cartoony drawing of a woman's head in profile giving dubious side-eye (Default)

[personal profile] cimorene 2020-05-18 07:19 am (UTC)(link)
Exactly what I thought. Cultural context may well explain why it's hard for the spouses to agree.
ayebydan: (pokemon: mew)

[personal profile] ayebydan 2020-05-18 02:37 pm (UTC)(link)
Especially as it hub's family. So rare we see the male willing to cut off their toxic fam. Go hubs! Wife, support hubs or get out. You're hurting your husband .