agonyaunt | Care & Feeding: So Proud of Your Misdeed

[I thought this one was pretty cute]

Dear Care and Feeding,
I am a father of two boys, ages 9 and 5. Instead giving them a traditional allowance, I wrote a little app for their shared tablet that tracks redeemable "points." They get points for doing chores, doing well in educational games, school performance, etc. They can trade them in for money for toys, candy, and other special treats. This worked great for quite some time.

About a week ago, I went on a road trip and came back to my eldest son having about triple the number of points he had when I left. Long story short: He figured out what program I use to edit the app and, thanks to YouTube coding videos, figured out how to award himself points. He has been punished for cheating, but in truth, I am thrilled. He showed incredible drive and ingenuity, and I want to encourage these traits in him. How do I go about praising the good (self-teaching, dedication, learning a new skill) without also rewarding the bad (cheating, hacking)?
—Stanley Jobson Sr. (Apparently)

Dear Mr. Jobson,
That is one of the most impressive kid scams I have ever heard!

This is a great opportunity to talk about why what he did was wrong, and what the impact of those actions, aside from his punishment, has been. You took the time to create something that had meaning for him and his little brother, and he disregarded that meaning by attempting to cheat the system. How did that make you feel inside? Hurt? Sad? Disappointed? Kids need to hear about it when they stir these emotions in their parents. There’s no need for an extended guilt trip, but he should come to understand that parents don’t get upset when kids do mischievous things simply because mischief has occurred.

There’s also a conversation to be had about the value of work. The system is designed in part to help him appreciate what it takes to earn something, and his little stunt ran afoul of that. As you make him aware of just how and why his actions were wrong, you can also make a point to explain how impressive his hacking was and how valuable that skill can be for doing the right thing in the future. You should encourage him to learn more about coding and consider finding ways to help him to continue honing those talents. Good luck, you are gonna need it! Hopefully he is the next Stanley Jobson and will make you wealthy one day.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

It's cute, but I also sideeye the whole system. Depends on a lot of things: how old the kids are, how much their parents get for them, what their needs are, what their parents provide for them, etc. Once kids are middle school age there's value in getting $5 you can spend on yourself without a parental panopticon.

(Caveat: 21st century childhood is a panopticon, so this take of mine is dated and obsolete. But I'm old, so 🤷‍♀️.)

Also, this take from Care and Feeding is Wrong:

There’s also a conversation to be had about the value of work. The system is designed in part to help him appreciate what it takes to earn something, and his little stunt ran afoul of that.

Um, no. The kid absolutely did work. He had an idea, researched it himself, and implemented the fix, putting it in to production. That's a buttload of work!

What the kid needs to learn is ... well, capitalism. Microeconomics. Barter systems, at any rate. LW has something the kid wants: points. Kid has something LW wants: chores. Barter systems involve trading what you have that someone else wants. The kid can learn that at some other point, they can find someone who might want to barter their computer skills for other things, like a salary, or acclaim in an open source community.

(The point about cheating, on the other hand, is spot on. The kid and the LW had a deal, and the kid attempted to deceive the LW about their fulfillment of the deal. That's lying and corrupt practices, and should be frowned upon.)

You took the time to create something that had meaning for him and his little brother, and he disregarded that meaning by attempting to cheat the system. How did that make you feel inside? Hurt? Sad? Disappointed? Kids need to hear about it when they stir these emotions in their parents.

This is the opposite of the problem this proud parent is having.

Man, the kid clearly showed a lot of drive and ingenuity, and if he'd only showed a little restraint as well he could've milked his scam for a long time and never gotten caught. Getting greedy is the point where all cons fall apart.

Edited 2020-01-09 22:51 (UTC)

Yes, this! It makes me wonder if the kid even meant to not get caught? IDK, if a nine year old can self-teach coding, do we assume he also knows his dad will notice a sudden trebling of his points?

I can believe it -- he is still just nine, and I can see how he got overenthusiastic about adding on the points. Restraint is a whole other kind of difficulty from coding.

A friend's seven-year-old was quite astonished that Mommy noticed the sudden proliferation of stickers on her sticker chart after she snuck into the office and stole a sheet of stickers.

Hee!

Who even knows with nine year olds? When the nieces were little, I spent a good amount of time chiding them for the paltry quality of their evasions if they misbehaved. Being sneaky is one thing, but bad lies are just insulting.

EXCELLENT aunting!

Mmm.

When I was a little smarter I did what I advise everybody else to do, which is to just move on as though they hadn't lied to me. That's the better option all the time. But sometimes, man, I just was so irked by their low-effort lying.

This is a great opportunity to talk about why what he did was wrong, and what the impact of those actions, aside from his punishment, has been.

Aaaaand then C&F gets both of those things completely wrong.

One reason what he did was wrong is that everyone was playing a game by agreed-upon rules, and those rules kept the game balanced and fair for everyone. When the kid pumped a bunch of extra points into the point economy, he disrupted that balance. That isn't fair to the other people playing the game—not to his parents, who would be paying out more than they had signed up to, nor to his brother, who doesn't have the skill to award himself points in the same way. So he needs a lesson in economics, to explain that counterfeiting points devalues points.

Another reason is that everyone was playing by the rules and he cheated, and that makes other people less likely to play games with him in the future. He damaged trust. That has negative consequences for him in addition to being hurtful for others.

The game was fun, but he broke it. Now everyone needs to agree on a new game and stick to the rules, or they won't be able to play games like that anymore, which would be sad all around.

I really like how you've phrased this. I wish I could send it to the LW!

Care & Feeding: So Proud of Your Misdeed

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