Dear Prudence: “Ellen” and I have been friends for years. This summer, her 12-year-old son, “Ryan,” declared he was madly in love with my 14-year-old daughter, “Kate.” We joked about crushes and puppy love. My daughter didn’t reciprocate, but I asked her to let him down gently. The problem is that Ryan refuses to accept it. He has continued to pester Kate with texts, phone calls, and messages on social media. My daughter has blocked him and set everything to private. Ryan has showed up at Kate’s babysitting job, which is on the other side of town! My husband had a talk with Ryan, but nothing sinks in. Ellen refuses to take this seriously and won’t do anything to discipline her son. According to her, Kate just needs to give Ryan a chance.

At our last conversation, I told Ellen that having a crush does not mean Ryan has the right to stalk my daughter. Ellen got upset and said we were overreacting. This behavior has gone on for more than a month. Yesterday, Kate went to the pool with friends and Ryan showed up. He wouldn’t leave Kate alone and grabbed her when she attempted to walk away, tearing her shirt. A lifeguard made Ryan leave. My daughter is very upset, and my husband and I have no idea what to do. His behavior is getting worse; if Ryan were older we wouldn’t hesitate to call the police, but he only turned 12 in May. We don’t know what to do beyond keeping a watchful eye on Kate and hoping Ryan moves on.
—Frightening Puppy Love

Answer: How awful that Ellen has no interest in taking her son’s increasingly frightening behavior seriously. She’s doing him a real disservice. I don’t know if Ryan’s father is in the picture, but if there’s any chance his other parent would take this more seriously, it might help to bring your concerns to him. In the meantime, continue to look out for your daughter and document each incident of stalking in case you need to file a restraining order. (You can file a restraining order on your daughter’s behalf, even if the harasser in question is underage.) Of course, it’s distressing to contemplate contacting the police when a 12-year-old child is involved, but if he’s gone from harassing her on social media to grabbing her and tearing her clothing in a public pool, I think the likelihood that he’ll be violent again is very high. You have to prioritize your daughter’s safety, and she is also a child.

In the meantime, ask Kate what you can do to help. Does she want you nearby when she babysits? To contact the school administration and let them know they need to keep an eye on Ryan to make sure he doesn’t stalk her on campus? To talk to other friends’ parents, so they can ask Ryan to leave and call you if he shows up when Kate and her friends are spending time together? You’re right to take this seriously, and I don’t think there’s any reason to believe Ryan is just going to “move on” without significant adult intervention. Speak with Ellen again and make it clear that you have no intention of letting this drop and that you’re going to take this threat to your daughter’s safety seriously, even if she won’t.