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agonyaunt2024-07-09 08:46 am
minoanmiss) wrote in agonyaunt2024-07-09 08:46 am
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Care & Feeding: Apprehension About Pregnancy
Having MSN as my work launch page is bad for my soul but it delivers several advice columns. Content advisory: LW is extremely apprehensive about pregnancy.
Dear Care and Feeding,
I’m a lesbian, married to a trans man. We’re both in our early 30s and have been talking about starting a family for years. We have so much love to give, stable jobs, a home, and community support, and we adore our nieces and nephews, to whom we are godparents. If a baby or three turned up in a basket on our doorstep tomorrow, I would be over the moon. The problem is that, because my partner is trans and because of some other health issues, I would be the one to carry. And I’m terrified.
I cannot get past a firm feeling of “this is not who you are.” I have read books. I’m in therapy. I have talked with friends who have gotten pregnant. I’ve talked with my mom. But no matter what, when I think of myself pregnant and giving birth, I think of my agency being robbed; of becoming someone I’m not; of being seen by others in a way that makes my skin crawl. I don’t have a single positive thought about it, except for the result, which I want very much. I suspect this is partially a gender thing—I’m quite butch and love existing in a state of androgyny—but I know other butches and even trans guys who have gotten pregnant and don’t seem to have all this angst about it! My spouse is not pressuring me in the slightest and I know he’ll support any decision I make. I’ve researched adoption and it seems so difficult to do in anything approaching an ethical way. Surrogacy makes me feel like a coward (should I really pay someone else to do something I can do but am scared of?). I’ve had some initial tests and have every reason to believe I am healthy, fertile, etc. Is ANYONE excited for pregnancy? Is it normal to feel soul-deep dread? If you do feel it, do you get over it? Do you just grit your teeth for nine months?
—Why Can’t I Just Grow the Baby in A Pod?
Dear Why,
I can’t answer the question of whether “anyone” is ever excited for pregnancy itself (but I’m willing to bet that some people must be, because that’s the answer to every question about whether “anyone is” anything). I myself enjoyed pregnancy (which surprised me) and I’ve met others who have, too. But that doesn’t mean that you would, or that you should become pregnant if you hate the thought of it.
I don’t know the answer to whether you’ll get over it, either (though my guess is no—not when the feeling is “soul-deep dread”). And, honestly, I think you know better than to ask if something is “normal.” What even is “normal,” anyway? We feel what we feel, we are who we are.
If you want badly to have a child, but you deeply dread pregnancy and childbirth, then I would seriously consider adoption. Yes, adoption can be traumatic. But that doesn’t mean that it can’t be done in an ethical way, or that children in need of parents, whose first parents are unable to raise them, should be left parentless. When adoption is child-centered—undertaken by adoptive parents who understand that they will have to help their child in different ways at different ages to understand the implications of having been adopted; who support their curiosity about, and relationships with, their first parents; who support their racial/ethnic identity, which may be different from their adoptive parents; and who educate themselves (and who will get professional help when/if needed) about helping their adopted child deal with adoption-related loss and trauma—it is not unethical.
Is it harder to proceed with an adoption if you’re aware of how difficult it can be to do it in an ethical way? Yes. But it’s harder to do anything when you are aware of the risks involved than it is to do it with your eyes closed. It’s harder at every step along the way as you face those risks head-on. Harder, and smarter. And better for everyone involved.
If you and your spouse want children, and you are going to be good parents to any children you have, you should have them. But you shouldn’t force yourself to go through the physical transformation—for it is a transformation, which I think is one of the reasons you’re so frightened of it—of pregnancy and childbirth if the very thought of it turns your blood cold. Become a parent in another way. My wish for you is that you do become a parent, in whatever way that you are able to. I’m crossing my fingers for you.
Dear Care and Feeding,
I’m a lesbian, married to a trans man. We’re both in our early 30s and have been talking about starting a family for years. We have so much love to give, stable jobs, a home, and community support, and we adore our nieces and nephews, to whom we are godparents. If a baby or three turned up in a basket on our doorstep tomorrow, I would be over the moon. The problem is that, because my partner is trans and because of some other health issues, I would be the one to carry. And I’m terrified.
I cannot get past a firm feeling of “this is not who you are.” I have read books. I’m in therapy. I have talked with friends who have gotten pregnant. I’ve talked with my mom. But no matter what, when I think of myself pregnant and giving birth, I think of my agency being robbed; of becoming someone I’m not; of being seen by others in a way that makes my skin crawl. I don’t have a single positive thought about it, except for the result, which I want very much. I suspect this is partially a gender thing—I’m quite butch and love existing in a state of androgyny—but I know other butches and even trans guys who have gotten pregnant and don’t seem to have all this angst about it! My spouse is not pressuring me in the slightest and I know he’ll support any decision I make. I’ve researched adoption and it seems so difficult to do in anything approaching an ethical way. Surrogacy makes me feel like a coward (should I really pay someone else to do something I can do but am scared of?). I’ve had some initial tests and have every reason to believe I am healthy, fertile, etc. Is ANYONE excited for pregnancy? Is it normal to feel soul-deep dread? If you do feel it, do you get over it? Do you just grit your teeth for nine months?
—Why Can’t I Just Grow the Baby in A Pod?
Dear Why,
I can’t answer the question of whether “anyone” is ever excited for pregnancy itself (but I’m willing to bet that some people must be, because that’s the answer to every question about whether “anyone is” anything). I myself enjoyed pregnancy (which surprised me) and I’ve met others who have, too. But that doesn’t mean that you would, or that you should become pregnant if you hate the thought of it.
I don’t know the answer to whether you’ll get over it, either (though my guess is no—not when the feeling is “soul-deep dread”). And, honestly, I think you know better than to ask if something is “normal.” What even is “normal,” anyway? We feel what we feel, we are who we are.
If you want badly to have a child, but you deeply dread pregnancy and childbirth, then I would seriously consider adoption. Yes, adoption can be traumatic. But that doesn’t mean that it can’t be done in an ethical way, or that children in need of parents, whose first parents are unable to raise them, should be left parentless. When adoption is child-centered—undertaken by adoptive parents who understand that they will have to help their child in different ways at different ages to understand the implications of having been adopted; who support their curiosity about, and relationships with, their first parents; who support their racial/ethnic identity, which may be different from their adoptive parents; and who educate themselves (and who will get professional help when/if needed) about helping their adopted child deal with adoption-related loss and trauma—it is not unethical.
Is it harder to proceed with an adoption if you’re aware of how difficult it can be to do it in an ethical way? Yes. But it’s harder to do anything when you are aware of the risks involved than it is to do it with your eyes closed. It’s harder at every step along the way as you face those risks head-on. Harder, and smarter. And better for everyone involved.
If you and your spouse want children, and you are going to be good parents to any children you have, you should have them. But you shouldn’t force yourself to go through the physical transformation—for it is a transformation, which I think is one of the reasons you’re so frightened of it—of pregnancy and childbirth if the very thought of it turns your blood cold. Become a parent in another way. My wish for you is that you do become a parent, in whatever way that you are able to. I’m crossing my fingers for you.