Dear Pay Dirt,

In May, I traveled 1,000 miles at my own expense to attend my niece’s wedding. The invitation was unclear about the dress code, specifying formal cocktail attire for a 4 p.m. event. I texted her for clarification providing a list of possible sartorial choices from suit and tie, to polo shirt and khakis, to board shorts and flip-flops. She replied, “The attire is cocktail just no jeans or tennis shoes.” Based on that, I wore black dress shoes, black slacks, and a hand-screen, silk-blend Hawaiian-style shirt that resembled Fred Flintstone’s outfit. I thought it was dressy for cocktail, but fun to recognize the celebratory nature of the event and the time of day.

Shortly after my arrival, the bride’s mother approached me and demanded I change. She said I was too informally dressed and would “ruin” the wedding. I told her this was the outfit I’d brought and I didn’t have anything with me I could change into. She continued to harangue me until I cut off the conversation. She had someone bring a medium-sized black t-shirt to put on instead. I weigh 320 pounds at 5’8”. I looked like a badly filled sausage and couldn’t breathe it was so tight. I changed back into my original clothes. No one could tell me where I could quickly buy a new outfit. And I hadn’t rented a car but arrived at the site by car service. The venue person then told me I had to leave or she’d call the police. I told her to call them as I was a guest of the bride and my brother had paid the bill (he and the bride’s mother had long since divorced). Then my nephew, the bride’s brother, came and told me to leave, that was the bride’s wish. I used the app and arranged for a car service to take me back to my hotel.

I am outraged and deeply hurt by how I was treated. I inquired about dress and received very specific instructions that I obeyed. The bride chose not to specify something from my list. She is 29, will turn 30 this year, and acted like a petulant teen. I am out thousands of dollars for hotel, meals, and air travel. I haven’t heard from her, my brother, or anyone else in my family. I am an attorney by trade and, thus, am tempted to sue the bride and the venue, but don’t think that will help settle the matter well, but make matters worse. So, what do I do?

—Banished By the Bride

Dear Banished,

There’s a lot of miscommunication and misunderstanding going on here. For what it’s worth, I’ve never seen a Fred Flintstone-inspired, Hawaiian shirt at a formal cocktail event, much less a wedding. Sure, dress codes are notoriously unclear, but a quick Google Image search could’ve told you what to expect. All of which is to say, your family might have seen your clothing choice as a passive-aggressive reaction to not getting the response you wanted from your niece. On the other hand, I’ve never heard of a Hawaiian shirt ruining anyone’s wedding, and it seems over-the-top to kick someone out over it. I can see why that would be hurtful after you spent so much money to attend the wedding.

For the sake of your peace of mind, it might help to give your family the benefit of the doubt. A wedding can be a stressful time, and there’s a lot of pressure for things to be perfect. “Formal cocktail” is pretty standard dress code language, and it’s likely your niece and her family were hyper focused on making the day special. When it erupted in tension and conflict—well, things escalated from there.

Using your upper hand as an attorney to sue your family might make you feel vindicated in the moment, but ultimately, what good would that do? It would likely only confirm to them that they made the right choice in asking you to leave the wedding. I think the best course of action here is to leave things alone, give the situation some time, and not make any impulsive decisions you might regret later.